To ask if you work or are a SAHP..

[DontBeTight]

Just that really, those of you who have children under school age. Do you work, or do you stay at home? Or work part time? My youngest won't start school until 2026 so I'm considering giving up work and having the rest of the time full time at home with her as my income makes very little difference to the household.

Those who stay at home, do you enjoy it?

@candyisdandybutliquorisquicker a lot of men I know are perfectly happy with just having a job and not a career. It's not just a female thing.
As I said upthread - someone has to do the "jobs".

Who decides what's "just a job"? Why shouldn't I be content? My job may not pay well, the hours aren't much and it's really hard work, but it's also extremely rewarding and really bloody important.

@Oliotya it is an interesting thought - when does a job become a career?
My dad had a trade. The type he had to do an apprenticeship for. But once he had done that initial training he just basically did the same job for decades (with a few periods of unemployment where he did different work).
Was it a "career" ? He got up, went to work, did work, came home.
It wasn't his life - it was his job.

I now work FT since July (20 & 14) after working PT (30 hours) for an around 12 years.

With my first I went back FT when she was 1 & then when I had my second I went back to work when she was 18 months.

if i could i would drop back to 4 days but realise my pension has taken a bit of a hit and it’s being able to help with university costs. The older they are with cars, driving lessons etc it’s definitely expensive.

My husband has always taken on the fair share of child care , school runs and he has a lovely relationship with both girls.

i have no regrets, been to every school event as has their Dad. But each family has their own needs and people should do what works for them without judgment.

But are they also the ones staying home with their kids because "it's not worth it to work when all my wages cover childcare"?

Thought not.

I work part-time. I make very good money, but Dh’s salary dwarfs mine at this point. I work because if something happens to him or to our relationship, I want the insurance that I can seamlessly take care of myself and our child.

I was referring to other posters describing their own work as "just a job" as a justification for giving it up when they have a child. I'm glad you have found a job that is rewarding enough that you didn't give it up. On a societal level the issue is the default that the female partner is almost always the parent who chooses to quit. When two full-time employees gave a child, something often has to give. But does it always have to be a women's aspirations and financial independence?

I’m a single parent and work. When I was married, I still chose to go back to work after maternity leave, as I earned more and love my job/career.

After seeing my Mum struggle after being a SAHP, my Dad being so tight with money and then having to jump straight into full time work after her divorce - I vowed that would never happen to me. I was never going to be a SAHP, I was going to choose a job/career with prospects of advancement and was always going to be financially independent. I didn’t do great in school, so no GCSE’s or a degree, but that shouldn’t stop anyone having a career and earning.

I’m glad I was/am financially independent, as I ended up divorced. Still love my job, thank goodness.

Ok but my point was more, so what if it's "just a job"? You see that as some kind of shortcoming, that I've given something up - I don't. Why do I need to have career aspirations? I have plenty of achievements and goals that don't necessarily relate to career progression or money.It's not women's fault that women's work is undervalued. I am not unsuccessful in my "just a job" caring profession, or at home as a mother, I am undercompensated.I work very part time, in a poorly paid job I didn't do pre kids - you'll probably think even less of me now.

@candyisdandybutliquorisquicker actually I know several men who have ended up doing as much/more of the childcare and sah-parenting as their female partners.

They are a minority. That's part of the issue.

@SouthLondonMum22 from my own personal experience I think it seems to be of a middle class thing where the female becomes the default sahp or cuts working hours.
In working class backgrounds there is a lot more of "mucking in together" and taking turns of being home with the children via working shifts etc.
As I am from that background that's probably why I know several men who do as much as the female partners.

I'm from that background too and I grew up with a SAHM. My sister who still lives in my hometown and would consider herself to be working class is also a SAHM.

In my personal experience, it is the norm no matter the background with some exceptions across the board.

I'm a sahm with a 1yo and 5yo. I'm very happy doing it. No plans to return to work - I want to be around in the primary school years to facilitate good extracurricular options and have nice school holiday activities. I also want the time to follow my own interests during school hours.

We have a good income and are fortunate to live in a nice part of London with lots of activities available. We spend our days going to baby gym, swimming lessons, music classes, the zoo, art galleries, theatre and opera shows for toddlers.

Luckily I'm not financially dependent on DH as I have multiple rental properties. I max out my pension and ISAs annually.

Not interested tbh. I'm a homebody and have always preferred to be at home. I can't think of any career I'd like to do more. I have plenty of hobbies - art, writing etc - which mean I have a very rich life and I'm not bored. I don't like working, I never have, and at this current time in my life I don't have to work beyond the few hours I do self-employed.

I'm well educated with two degrees. But I prefer being at home with my kids.

In the current economic climate I wouldn't be putting all the financial pressure on one parent to provide, or making myself vulnerable. When I decided I wanted to leave my marriage, I could, I wasn't reliant on my husband's income to survive.

@Fliopen it shows you won't be dragged into the rat race and feel no obligation to get a career under your belt. Life has more worth than just monetary worth. It's a view you rarely see on MN. I hold similar views and don't feel a need to rush back to work either or go daft working crazy hours when I will eventually return to some paid employment. I put lots of value on family life and having multiple children means you have to be around for them. They need you so much in the teenage years. I am around to help during study leave with the older ones (one has additional needs). This is feminism in action - not following the in-crowd. Go your own way, as a certain song goes😄

I haven't read the other comments, as these always go the same way, but my experience was:-

I absolutely loved it. It was such an amazing time. But we were busy, people hear SAHM and seem to envisage mum at home all day, on her own with the child. It was very different for us, we had a great group of people we went for days out with, then we went swimming, forest days, parks seen family- we didn't really do the soft play centres as we enjoyed being outdoors.

My career never defined me, I rarely spoke about work with my DH or friends, far more interesting things to chat about, so it didn't change me or i didn't loose myself as others seem to be scared of. I still used to meet up with my mates, so no change there either.

We (me and DH) spoke beforehand about what it would look like for me being at home, it needed to be a joint decision, we discussed what our days would look like ,responsibilities etc etc so no surprises. Which I think is really really important .
We were very clear if my DH ever felt too much pressure or just fancied his turn to be at home, then we would do that. We both have the same values and both see it's important to have a parent at home in the younger years before school - I wanted it to be me. My DH absolutely saw the value of me being at home and in no way thought it was the easier the option.

Another thing that used to be rolled out was that DHs would not respect or value their wives as much - but let's be honest you shouldn't be with a partner who only sees your value based on a pay check, that's pretty sad.

If your DH is on board and you have financial security as a family and you want to do it, go for it. As you say if it were all to go wrong with your DH you wouldn't be massively worse off (with the greatest respect ) as your job to get you back to where you were, was MW. A gap raising your family is a valid CV gap to get you back in to a MW role.

Of course you need to weigh up the risk and you get all kinds of whacky responses from both sides, but no one can give a generic one size fits all answers. What's good for one person may be terrible for another. It may make some women go stir crazy and they needed to go back for their own MH, it will destroy others by leaving their kids and that would effect their MH and obviously some have no choice, but while you do have a choice - just do what's best for you and your family.

Money is part of life though and is needed to provide at least the basics.

The only reason you aren't 'dragged' into the 'rat race' is because someone else is in that rat race as someone has to pay the bills.

It's funny how it's only a 'rat race' when we're talking about women working, not the men who are deemed big heroes for financially providing.

Double standards, as always.

This is feminism in action

Oh the old/new feminism card.

How on earth is it a feminist action that a women should sacrifice her wants to teach men how to do things correctly and fairly.

I'm all for fighting for fighting for equal rights and pay, but I won't have rights taken away or choices belittled in the guise of feminism. I shouldn't have to sacrifice my time with my child to show the men of the world how to even things out. Again penalising women for men's mistakes.

I've also wondered how that divide works. So can you only buy a house you can afford to pay for on your own, as other than that you are relying on your partner to help support you?
What is the split that is acceptable before you fall below the feminist line ?

My DH wants to work. He enjoys being out of the house and he's an extrovert and loves his job. Polar opposite to me.

Incredible as it may seem to you, both of us are happy and neither of us resent the other.

and of course, it's just a coincidence that it lines up with societal norms.

I'm sure both of you are happy, I don't doubt that at all. I just find it funny when someone complains about the 'rat race' yet it's also the reason why they can opt out of it themselves, because someone else is doing it to pay the bills.

and of course, it's just a coincidence that it lines up with societal norms

I didn't think it was the societal norm now. I thought the societal norm was that both parents worked ?

I'm sure both of you are happy, I don't doubt that at all. I just find it funny when someone complains about the 'rat race' yet it's also the reason why they can opt out of it themselves, because someone else is doing it to pay the bills

But does that mean that you have to be able to afford everything on your own or you are still relying in someone to pay the bills?

Can't help that it's within societal norms. I haven't got any interest in a career, I never have. And I was raised by a career woman so it isn't like I haven't had that example set for me. Some of it is just personality.

And also, I didn't say anything about the rat race, that was another poster.

If someone is a SAHP, it is almost always the woman.
If someone goes part time, it is almost always the woman.
If someone switches jobs/roles to work around childcare, it is almost always the woman.

I think it's important for an individual to be able to afford the basics on their own, it doesn't have to be at the same standard as a life with two incomes, especially if they are both full time incomes. Financial independence has always been important to me though.