To ask if you work or are a SAHP..

[DontBeTight]

Just that really, those of you who have children under school age. Do you work, or do you stay at home? Or work part time? My youngest won't start school until 2026 so I'm considering giving up work and having the rest of the time full time at home with her as my income makes very little difference to the household.

Those who stay at home, do you enjoy it?

I have a 3 year old and work full time. Part time would be preferable but I wouldn't suit being a SAHM. I also think it's a bit precarious relying on another persons single income.

I'm not sure I quite agree. There are innate differences between men and women, and whilst we should absolutely be working towards equal opportunity, I personally think the bigger issue is that we don't place enough value on "womens" work? Why is a nursery worker worth less than a banker, and why are they considered less successful?

My son is 3 and I've been a SAHM since he was born. I've had intermittent periods of doing freelance wfh. My previous career was not conducive to family life (long hours, lots of long distance travel, stress - wasn't paid enough to be worth it). I'm now retraining back at uni to do something else - that's hopefully less stress, better pay & able to wfh.
I think being a SAHM parent isn't for everyone. I found it made me feel anxious about not having my own money & being dependent upon my DH. Even when I tried to return to my previous career after 2 years out, I'd been out of the industry too long and couldn't find a way back in - I think it's really important to not put yourself in a vulnerable position if things go tits up (if DH gets ill, loses his job, divorce etc).
Whilst some parts of being a SAHM are great, some bits were horrendous. My DS had next level tantrums age 2 to 3 and was more difficult than his friends, I wish I'd had some time for myself, my career just to escape for some part of the day. It was not enjoyable.
I wouldn't put you off being a SAHM but try it and if it doesn't work for you make sure you're in a position to get back to work if you want to. Or try to study/do something whilst being a SAHM.

I don't actually think that's true - I just think there is more pressure on men to work and provide. You see it on here all the time.

Any time someone posts about their DH wanting to work part-time or change hours, he's slammed as a cocklodger or a lazy fucker. But if a woman says she wants to do those things, it's (for the most part) encouraged and accepted.

I've had male partners who have been between jobs before and they all, without exception, felt ashamed and embarrassed to be supported (even temporarily) by a woman.

Societal pressure and socialisation is real and it's a big thing.

I do not view the money my husband makes as his money. It is our money. In fact he literally transfers half of it to me on payday. I think there can be a problem where you have a stay at home parent and the earning parent does not view the money as being family money. Luckily I’m not in that situation, but to be honest, I knew him well
enough before I married him.

Not working is only "abandoning who you are", if work is your personality.

I should also add perhaps to think about what legacy you want to leave behind for your kids? I know in my previous career before becoming a SAHM I was never present, working all the hours, always on my phone, always stressed, under pressure and it impacted my mood and behaviour - I was not able to switch it off. So I didn't mind giving up that career to be a SAHM. Now I'm retraining into something which is hoepfully less stressful and allows me to have a family life.

I was a stay at home mum for 7 years, after my second son was born & I absolutely loved it & don't regret a thing!
This past year I've set up my own business (in a totally unrelated field to my career), most of my hours are within school hours so I'm still around for collection /homework etc, and then quite a bit of admin work in the evenings/at night.
My youngest has additional needs & I'm finding it a big strain. I miss always been available for him, he misses a fair bit of school due to weakened immune system (& anxiety), and I feel so guilty that I have this business taking up my headspace, and that I am not here for him as much as I was.
I would love to go back to full time SAHP as I felt I could give my all, where now I'm only giving a reduced amount to family & business.
OP I would definitely give it a try & see how you like it. If you end up getting bored etc, you can always pick up some work. I loved my time at home with the children when they were younger & really feel it benefited us all so much.

I second this. My jobs have never had anything to do with who I am. My rich life outside work has much more to do with it.

Totally agree with this. Being a solicitor was a huge chunk of my life, but who I am at my core is hopefully a loving mother, a great friend and daughter, a kind member of society, a voluntary worker, a runner, a travelling enthusiast et cetera. All that is much more important in my opinion.

I have a 7 and 18 year and have worked continuously since before having my eldest, mainly full time and 10 years as a lone parent. I enjoy working and have always managed to combine with after school activities. It's exhausting and not for everyone but I would never have wanted to give up work even if I was able to.

I'm a SAHM to my two children (nearly 4 and 2 year old) and I love it! I did go back to work for a little while after having my first but honestly struggled with hardly seeing my baby during the week (I was out of the house 8-6.30pm in my previous job). Luckily we have a lot going on in our area so we can do a lot of different activities....I think it would be much harder for me if we didn't have so many options.

It's a personal choice.

I worked full time throughout by dc's early lives and I don't regret it. There were times it was hard, but having moved my career forwards has hugely paid off both in terms of income and flexibility as we head towards the teenage years.

It definitely isn't going to change any time soon.

I think it suits too many people for it to change, they want to be a SAHM or they don't want it to be the norm for them to go part time because they want their wife to be the default parent etc.

and on and on it goes.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally, God, I'm definitely not one of your kind of people; I'm reliant upon disability benefits.

Not the life I would have chosen, but there you go.

I think if you don't want to work - even if it's for being "too lazy", as you put it - I don't think there's anything wrong with that, as long as family/husband/whomever are happy to financially support said individual and any children.

Don't think it's okay for people to rely upon benefits if it is a case of just not wanting to work, but I think most people have that stance.

I'm lucky enough to have a wide variety of people in my life from all walks of life and maybe that's why I don't judge parents who don't work.

I hear what you're saying, though, about what you wanted for your life (in terms of returning to work etc) and hear that. You do sound dismissive of others, but I guess we all do that for different reasons.

I have always worked full-time since leaving university, wouldn't consider part-time.

2 maternity leaves of 7 months; I was ready to go back to work each time.

I work full time. The challenge is the peak parenting years are also often the peak career progress and earning years (and setting up pensions, savings, wanting to do nice things with the kids). As hard as it has sometimes been I'm overall glad I'm financially stable, have built a career and get the best of both worlds.

I was a SAHM till my eldest was 13, youngest was 9. I then went p/t.

I don’t regret a second of my SAHM years as both DC and I had a blast. We had a great time doing loads of things.

I work now, but working doesn’t compare to the way I felt when I was at home with my DC. I won’t give it up, I need to save money, but it’s not a priority for me. It’s a means to an end.

Been both. Currently a SAHP. I enjoy it. I also enjoy working though. What works for one family won't work for another. I don't look down on either choice, each one is valid.

I went back to work PT when my DC was 3.5 as it was easy to arrange childcare with nursery and the free hours covered my work hours.
When they went to school it got tricky and I stopped working for a few years. We don't have help with childcare and DP works 9-6:30 mon-fri. I have had jobs rather than a career so it's been relatively easy for me to dip in and out. I am professionally qualified and my job requires CPD but like the OP it just doesn't pay well.
The up side is that all those years where I haven't worked or only worked PT have meant that DP has been able to focus and move up in his career. Meaning we're more stable now and I have the opportunity to re-train and find something better paid and more rewarding.
It also meant that I could take sometime for myself, get some much needed therapy and vastly improve my health.

Everyone's situation is different and you have to do what's right for you and your partner. Of course all decisions come with a risk but all you can do is try to be realistic, communicate with your partner and go with what feels right.

I work PT, always have done since mat leave ended with DC1. Took a longer mat leave with DC2 and then reduced my hours further when I returned to work. Some time after that DH then also went PT. Temporarily increased my hours recently (still PT but more than my usual contracted hours) but reducing them back down to normal again soon.

We are ttc no.3 and if successful I can imagine I may finally become a SAHM after that though. Or if not, at least reduce my working hours down even further. We don't have any regular childcare support so it's bad enough with two of them juggling sickness, hospital appointments and whatnot (DC2 has semi-regular appointments due to some medical issues).

The pension nomination thing doesn't put you in the same position as a married woman though. If you and your partner split up, he can go back online and change it. Whereas if you are married, you have a claim on your husband's pension in the divorce settlement. Your way is fine if the pension pots are fairly similar, but not if one person is a SAHP while the other works.

I have a larger pension pot than my partner; this would still be the case if I had stayed at home til both kids were school aged.
Another way it could be easily worked around would be to pay into a private pension or savings account in the name of the SAHP.
You really don’t have to get married if you are smart about it. It’s outdated to think you do.

I always think this too. Why are so many women content to have "just a job" and not a career? You don't need to aspire to be Nicola Horlick or Cherie Blair to earn more money than you pay in (temporary) childcare costs.

I swear it's not the patriarchy keeping women down, it's ourselves.

I'm with you.