To have mum guilt over childcare situation

[ChamomileHoneyTea]

DP and I both work full time so I will have to leave DS in nursery when my maternity leave is over (when he turns one).

I know most parents rely on childcare these days but I just feel so guilty! Growing up my mum didn’t work when we were kids because they could live off one salary. My auntie had to go out to work but left my cousins with my grandma because she didn’t work.

Fast forward to now and I can’t afford to not work because we need my salary to survive. My parents are both still working full time so they can’t help. DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out.

Just feeling so down and guilty as if I’m abandoning my DS :( can’t help but think my DS is worse off than me at his age and me & DP are failing him :(

Both my kids went to nursery at around 1 year and both absolutely loved it! There are well past nursery now and are still very happy kids. Most of their mates have gone to nursery when young like them, and you can't teally tell the difference fronm those who didn't.

I think a lot of people remember being cared for by their own grandparents and then expect that their parents will then ‘pass it on’ so to speak.

I didn’t grow up with this, three grandparents were dead and one lived far away so there was no going to Granny’s at the weekend etc. for me and I was so jealous of my friends who had that relationship. I am so lucky that my own parents cared for my DC while we worked (they offered - I didn’t ask or expect) and now they are in school they will happily have them round for a few hours whenever needed. It’s a lovely relationship even though I don’t always get on with my parents myself.

My in laws still work so it hasn’t been an option with them and that’s fine, they aren’t obligated in any way.

My mum always worked and clearly enjoyed her job. I never saw it as a negative as a child - it spurred me to want a career. At the same time I’ve always known I wanted a family and I never doubted I would juggle the tapas I watched her do it. I had my first child overseas as an expat and I remember how everyone would ask ‘what does your husband do/ who does your husband work for’ and it was always a really great feeling to explain we were there for MY job. It can be hard being a working mum but there are joys in every path in life. I know guilt is an emotion you can’t switch off, but do have faith there will be positives.

We work to live, we don't live to work. If you are deeply unhappy about leaving your child in childcare, you need to take ownership of your life and radically readjust your living situation so it's possible for you to stay at home. It may mean moving, downsizing... But radical adjustments are worth it to live the life you want

Oh god, don't feel guilty at all. My two were both full time from 9 or 10 months. No family close by and wouldn't have asked them anyway. It was expensive, but you know it's not forever, and once they go to school it's like you've won the lottery. Anyway as for nursery itself, they loved it. First week a bit weepy but then it just became what they did every day, had their own little routines, their own mates etc. The only thing I ever kind of got sad about is that they had their own lives 8-5 that I basically wasn't part of. But hey ho, nothing lost. They had a great time, had more stimulation and learning than they would possibly have had at home. They're 8 and 12 now and we're very close. Going back to work will be brilliant for everyone.

That’s because the guilt doesn’t actually come from inside us, it comes from people outside of us who tell us we should feel guilty. Normally other women, often those closest to us. Hopefully gen X onwards will gradually remove that stigma and create generations of ‘older’ women who want to empower women to do what they need or want to do, not what our dated tradition or old fashioned society expects.

What about empowering women to make decisions that actually make them happy? You're minimising her very real sadness at leaving her child l, by suggesting she's just been conditioned by external influences. If she loved having her mother at home, and longs to do the same with her own child, she should b3 empowered to do that. Even if it comes at a huge financial cost, being content with your decision is worth it.

Don’t feel guilty. Your child will benefit from being around other children and in my opinion will benefit from not being tied to your apron strings every day. Your family will have a better quality of life as a result of the dual wage, your child will see hard work being demonstrated on a daily basis and you’ll benefit from being more than ‘just’ Mummy.

Our DD8 went to a childminder from age 5months and still does 3 afternoons a wee / 3 days a week in holidays. We could have survived on one salary but I wanted / needed to go back to my career for my own wellbeing and satisfaction.

I sometimes get ‘mum guilt’ when her friends go to extra curricular activities that she can’t do because they start at 4 pm. But that guilt fades when I look at the benefits of us both working (and not all of them are material).

This is true in some rare cases, however generally it is possible to live off one income if you make big adjustments (such as moving, downsizing etc). Since we moved to 2 income households, people's standard of living has generally risen, which has become the new normal, making it extra difficult for people to adjust to one income.
If those who could afford to live off one income would look after their own children instead of using childcare, it would mean that those who really really needed childcare could access it at a much better quality, because it would be on a smaller scale, the children would have more attention, and the staff turnover would be less because they'd be better paid. And a lower staff turnover in childcare really benefits the children. Generally, the less often the carer changes, the better for the child. The mass use of nursery has really lowered the quality of care.

I understand the guilt completely as I think there is a huge pressure on mothers to do everything where as fathers seem to still be getting a free ride. We are expected to contribute financially while still juggling the childcare situation, it is tough.
I had a situation recently where we had an issue with childcare and the expectation was that I would simply take the day off. There is still this blinkered view that the man couldn't possibly take a day off short notice and it is down to the woman to sort, regardless of her other commitments.

Well, if you pick a good childminder/nursery, your kid will have the attention and education that they deserve. This is not to say that SAHMs aren’t great, but I could never have imagined providing such diverse activities at home. That’s all. Plus they will be home 50% of the tome the first years with illnesses anyways 😂 you better prepare for that.
Guilt is useless.

I think mums always feel guilt whatever really.

I worked 4 days whilst DS was small. Is that an option for you?

My DS went to nursery, he loved it, never looked back when he went in and I’m sure its what has made him self assured and able to make friends easily.

Or the government could properly fund childcare and pay staff better.

I agree that you were unnecessarily negative against SAHMs - we all have to do what suits our situations at the time; whether we like it or not. Every mum feels guilt, whatever choices they make. Personally I loved being at home for the first few years and then loved being back at work too. We were extremely lucky that we could afford it. I also know plenty of children who went to full time childcare. I don’t think it’s made much difference in the long run.

I find it really odd that the government has offered free childcare basically for institutional settings only, but not made any provisions for parents who wish to stay at home. Why not give the money to families so they can either use it to afford to stay at home, pay for a nanny share with other families (which is psychologically better for the child as it's just one other main caregiver), or allow parents to use it to pay grandparents etc. They are literally only willing to fund the form of care, which is also the worst for the child. This is obviously because they don't care about what women actually want, or about children, they just care about boosting the economy.

It's definitely about boosting the economy. The funded childcare can cover anyone as long as they are an approved childcare provider so not just nurseries.

I thought it was an awful post tbh. Reads like in the rush to be positive and supportive of the OP you’ve thrown other women and their choices under the bus.

Saying that a child of a SAHM is likely to be”that kid”… offensive and naive. Some kids would have all the socialisation in theworld pre-school and still not like the environment and vice versa. Some parents will try one type of childcare and then have to rethink it due to how their child responds or due to changing family circumstances.

We’re all trying to navigate childcare.I agree with posters who’ve said it mainly suits the government and the economy to have 2 parents working.

I agree.

It was a thinly veiled way of shitting on other women and legitimising the disrespect SAHMs face constantly

Just read the comment about not wanting a child to be “attached to your apron strings”. Jesus, the thinly veiled scorn towards SAHMs…

World has changed since you were a baby.
There are a lot of great nurseries available.

A good economy is not a bad thing. In an ideal world, government would provide childcare for all parents. But UK does not have that much money.

Tata steel closing down, John Lewis closing down many of its stores, people losing jobs,
cost of living crisis.
Economy is on decline in the UK sadly. And public does not hold politicians accountable. So free childcare to alI parents is very down in the list of priority.

Please don’t feel guilty. It’s is what it is. This is your situation - not everyone gets help from grandparents or family for whatever reason.

Firstly, it is normal for you to feel like this after maternity leave. After all, you’ve just spent a whole year together day in day out. I felt exactly the same.

What I did was compress my full time hours so that I finished at lunch time on Wednesdays. Could this be an option for you? This meant that we had some time together mid week which was nice. Admittedly, my children went to my parents two days a week but still.

Now, when my children started school it was basically effortless! They were able to take it in their stride to a large extent (by the way, yep, I still worried!). They even started school with a few familiar faces from nursery.

They are now 10 and 13 and not one bit affected! They have some great memories of nursery.

We are all just doing our best and it will find its way. You’ll find a new routine soon and your mindset will change once you’re all settled 😊

DH and I had no choice as DPs/DPILs were 2.5 hours away.

In our case, 1 mum didn't work as traditional roles and the other as no nursing jobs near where she moved for husband's work. Money always tight in both households.

DH and I both have professional jobs and DC travelled with us to Creche in city centre from 5 months old (I took an extra month unpaid but that was all available at the time). DC commutes by car initially, then back of bike/public transport from 15 months until going to school. It was totally normal around us as very few had family to rely on.

DC will leave school this year and time in formal childcare has not been an issue for her - she still has some friends from there and is well used to meeting all sorts of people and just getting stuck into finding out about them etc.

Children's needs have not changed