To have mum guilt over childcare situation

[ChamomileHoneyTea]

DP and I both work full time so I will have to leave DS in nursery when my maternity leave is over (when he turns one).

I know most parents rely on childcare these days but I just feel so guilty! Growing up my mum didn’t work when we were kids because they could live off one salary. My auntie had to go out to work but left my cousins with my grandma because she didn’t work.

Fast forward to now and I can’t afford to not work because we need my salary to survive. My parents are both still working full time so they can’t help. DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out.

Just feeling so down and guilty as if I’m abandoning my DS :( can’t help but think my DS is worse off than me at his age and me & DP are failing him :(

In an ideal world, government would provide childcare for all parents.

I disagree. Childcare is necessary in many cases, but it is far from ideal. Attachment theory and multiple studies have shown that the ideal for the child is to have one main caregiver in their first 3 years of life. And UK surveys show that the majority of women would choose to care for their own children if money were no object. So that would be the opposite of ideal actually.

But it offers nothing to mothers who want to stay at home

Wait until you sit on that train alone with a book, or drink a hot coffee at your desk, or have a conversation about anything other than babies, then you will stop feeling so guilty.

Of course a strong economy is important, but children's needs and women's freedom to choose to stay at home, should they wish to, is far more important.

The Economy should serve the Family, not vice versa

I was back at full-time work 12 weeks after having my baby as I had my mortgage to pay and had no choice but to return to full-time work.

Hopefully you will be able to reflect and appreciate that you are luckier than some and have had over a year off with your son.

Perhaps controversially, I really believe you should listen to your "guilt". If you know deep down that what you want is to stay at home, that you will thrive looking after your child yourself, then that is absolutely worth sacrificing a career and even wealth for. So often in these discussions, women's choices are valued only when they want to work. That's good to be free to work, but what's not good is finding your hands tied and making a decision you are deeply unhappy with because of your circumstances and social expectations.

I know women who have given up the idea of home ownership because they wanted to stay at home, and honestly I applaud them for realising what's truly valuable to them and making such a brave choice

I agree. If you are asking complete strangers for reassurance then you must be seriously wavering over your decisions. What do you really want deep down? To go back to work and have everyone chorus that it’s fine? To be persuaded to stay at home? You only get one life. Do what you have to to make it work for you. But don’t waste your life feeling guilty about it!

Some fathers want to stay at home too.

It offers something to parents who want to work, I don't see that as a bad thing.

Yes the world has changed indeed, as have nurseries and I would argue not for the better. With the growth in population, funding and staffing issues, a lot of nurseries are not what they used to be.

I was fortunate enough to live in a good area and attended a wonderful nursery (early 90s). The standard and care was at a much higher level and better quality than what I’ve seen/experienced with my own and friends DC. I still didn’t like it, all children are different and nursery won’t suit the temperament of every young child. I just wanted to play at home with my mum and I sadly don’t have many memories of my own parents, just that of my caregivers.

This is mumsnet and the poster is a mother. And an offering that limits choice and incentivises only one lifestyle, that serves the economy only and not the family or those who want to look after their children themselves, is not a good thing in my opinion. As a solution it's extremely narrow and uncreative in its remit.

@Bakensmile

some parents would rather have holidays and big house. They can still be great parents. Don’t underestimate the value of travel.

It's not true that nurseries have improved. Before it was the norm to have 2-income households, childcare was generally done on a much smaller scale and in a home-setting. As childcare became more in demand, it shifted to become majority institutional settings, and studies have shown that in terms of the psychological welfare of the child, the smaller the number of other children, the fewer the caregivers, and the more homelike the setting, the better it is for the child. So the shift to nurseries becoming the norm is not an improvement at all.

Shouldn't the parents' and child's preferences and needs be held as equal though?

@toppitytop

thats what I’m saying- travel is good for both parents and kids

Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And not all mums get ‘mum guilt’. I didn’t. I would have loathed to be a SAHM.

I agree about parents not having to help, but child care decisions before you have a child are very different to his you feel after the child is born.

the vast, vast majority of women have to go back to work in some kind of capacity. It's only the very wealthy who don't!

That's simply not true. I know SAHMs whose husbands are factory workers, who live in small flats, who have had to move towns to afford to live on one income. But they knew that staying at home was more valuable to them than a financially comfortable life.

But they knew that staying at home was more valuable to them than a financially comfortable life.

Except poverty has a much bigger impact on future outcomes than whether you were in childcare or not.

Has there been a study on this that I'm not aware of?

DD1 is 17 and in her final year at school. I asked her if she minded going to nursery (4 days/wk, DH and I shared the other day), she said “No, I liked it, I still miss it sometimes” 😆

Your child will be fine. Your inlaws aren’t required to provide childcare for you bcz you chose to have a child . You would have known your financial situation wouldn’t have covered you being a SAHM when you chose to have a child….it’s nothing special millions of people leave their kids in daycare every day. This is very first time mom syndrome. You’ll get over it

That sounds utterly miserable.

I grew up with a SAHM and a dad on a lower income and it was utterly miserable, I certainly don't see how it benefited me more than both parents working and having a better overall income.

Growing up with a SAHM is a reason why I'd never be one myself.