To have mum guilt over childcare situation

[ChamomileHoneyTea]

DP and I both work full time so I will have to leave DS in nursery when my maternity leave is over (when he turns one).

I know most parents rely on childcare these days but I just feel so guilty! Growing up my mum didn’t work when we were kids because they could live off one salary. My auntie had to go out to work but left my cousins with my grandma because she didn’t work.

Fast forward to now and I can’t afford to not work because we need my salary to survive. My parents are both still working full time so they can’t help. DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out.

Just feeling so down and guilty as if I’m abandoning my DS :( can’t help but think my DS is worse off than me at his age and me & DP are failing him :(

I went back to work after maternity leave with both of mine when they were 10 months. They loved nursery, had loads of friends, learnt loads of social skills, played all day, had access to loads of new foods to try and were with people who adored them. I had terrible mum guilt but ultimately they learnt far more than I could teach them and we could maintain our standard of life with treats and holidays and special time together at weekends. There’s two sides to everything, this will become their norm and they won’t have a clue about your guilt

I completely relate to this.

I’m due to go back to work at the beginning of April and it’s breaking my heart that I’ll be sending my son to nursery. To make matters worse I keep getting comments from my mum and grandma about how they stayed at home with their children and it’ll break my sons heart to be away from me, they just don’t seem to understand that we cannot afford for me to not work.

I’ve been trying to focus on the positives like he’ll be able to mix with other children and will hopefully get him to come out of his shell as I’ve heard from others that their children really blossomed when they started nursery.

Fingers crossed it’s a positive experience for you and your little one

The guilt eases. My 2 and 4 year old are 4 days in nursery (my parents do a day a week) and I work full time. I hate this but we need 2 incomes (and I'm the breadwinner) my mum stayed at home with us as kids but it’s just not realistic for most now. Keep going. I hate the fees more than leaving them there :-)

I had to go back to work after 6 months of maternity leave. We couldn’t survive on the maternity pay, it was dreadful. When I was pregnant we saved up to be able to put DS in nursery 3.5 days a week. We all worked full time, even grandparents. My son thrived at nursery and I got my old self back, it did us all good. I had guilt but we needed my proper wage back.

I for one wouldn't want to look after a one-year-old full-time. You surely don't expect retired in-laws to do that, you are not entitled. Millions have to go out to work these days just get on with it and fork out the nursery fees.

🙄

clearly there are pluses and minuses to both choices and here @Mariposistaaa was just setting out some of the plusses for going back to work. She presumably wasn’t intending to list every single benefit and disadvantage in a totally comprehensive way. So you can just let her post lie or come in with points of your own, no need to attack her!

I thought the “that kid” comment was unkind too. I certainly wouldn’t judge any child who’s crying as they settle into Reception, and I wouldn’t judge their parents either.

Not sure this is quite true. Gov hasn’t actually set the system up to enable women to go back to work full time. In fact a large chunk of the budget goes on 15 free hours for those who don’t work at all - because gov actually doesn’t trust sahps on benefits to look after their kids properly (poverty etc). So the 15 free hours is meant to socialise the kids, help their development etc.

Don’t feel guilty for leaving your child in Nursery, they may be upset/unsettled at first but should soon adapt & enjoy their time there. A change of scenery & other adults to care for your child will widen their horizons & ultimately boost their confidence. I left my child in nursery at 13 months & after initial wobbles she soon settled down - I used to have to chase her around the nursery garden to round her up at hometime! 😃 A good Nursery will keep you informed of your child’s daily activities/dietary intake. It’s not the same as looking after them ourselves but it’s a good & practical solution for childcare when there are no family members available to support - in fact some parents opt to use Nursery’s at least 1 or 2 days a week even when grandparents are available to give them a break & their child the opportunity to interact with their peers. You may miss your child more than they miss you, but will make the time you have together more precious.

Agree with this. I am back at work in a challenging job I enjoy that benefits society. I think if I was staying at home to be a mum, I would enjoy that in many ways but I would also think what was the bloody point then of going to university, getting qualified, if it was just for a few short years? And yes I have two sons so I do think about how important it is for them to see me not just working but enjoying work.

I personally think the way forward is flexible working and working less hours should become the norm, so that young kids need less hours per day in childcare settings. The world of 9-5 was most def set up for men in the 1950s and feels totally irrelevant now! In my industry we are definitely going in the flexible working direction for men and women.

Except she didn't just simply outline the positives of going back to work (which there are undoubtedly many) but virtually every point she made was disparaging towards SAHMs which was inflammatory and completely unnecessary. There is no requirement for anyone to write completely balanced or comprehensive posts but you can't expect to write a post basically shitting on SAHMs (or WOHMs) and expect not to get called out on it. We don't have to let any post 'lie' and all posts are open to challenge.

To be honest I find it laughable that you think I have attacked poor @Mariposistaaa when all I have done is highlight the anti SAHM rhetoric she has used in her post.

I’m a SAHM too and I completely understand what @Bumpitybumper is saying here. Most people will defensively list the ways that their own situation is far more superior, by doing so it just unnecessarily knocks those that have made a different choice.

Op is looking for some reassurance, it doesn’t mean anyone needs to be rude and unkind about those that have made other choices.

If it helps, I have one child that has always happily walked off into pre school / reception / year 1 and a clingier second child that I’m unsure how they will react to pre school later this year. I’ve stayed home with both of them from birth so go figure…

Also, to be clear, I would say for the vast majority of SAHM’s - we don’t spend our husband’s money, it’s one pot. He has a career that he couldn’t do without me being around 24/7 to look after the kids and the household. Don’t confuse the cost and value of things in life, I might not earn a salary, but what I do has a value.

I think it's totally possible to talk about the positives of something without criticising the alternative.

An example would be that 'my favourite colour is yellow because it's bright and cheerful' as opposed to 'my favourite colour is yellow because it isn't dull and depressing like blue'. The former is just a positive affirmation of why you have made a choice whilst the latter intends to elevate yellow at the expense of blue. There is literally no need to drag blue into the discussion, by implication everyone would know that you prefer yellow to blue without having to directly reference blue or criticise it.

Child care guilt, is a thing l. But child care can be helpful. It will help your child learn how to share, with other kids, how to make friends. It will also help them adjust to being away from you, for when they go to school, hopefully they will help with toilet training, when your DC is older.

You're not wrong - there is a lot about our lives nowadays that is a huge improvement on the past - but the cost of living is not one of them. Our mothers may have wished they could have a fulfilling career - but at least they had the choice financially.

The next generation have it even harder - it's difficult to see how most of them will ever even get on the property ladder....

But it is what it is. Fewer and fewer mums can stay afford to stay at home these days, so it's pretty much the norm. There's no point feeling guilt, it's just what you have to do.

I do get why you'd want to stay home with your DS, but there will be benefits as well as downsides to childcare - he will learn to socialise and get other skills earlier than some children that don't. And it will upset you far more than him.

If you feel this strongly about it OP have you looked at working part time? Compressing your hours? As child care costs are so high, depending on what you and DH earn the financial hit from going part time may not be so bad. Could you work in the evenings or at weekends , is this an option? What lifestyle changes could you make? If you really want to spend more time with your child I think you should spend some time thinking about how you could do it, and discuss with DH. I work full time now but was part time until youngest was three. It was a good balance.

Thank you for this brilliant response! I started getting worried reading so many people agreeing with this lady’s post, let’s stop comparing and putting each other down! I don’t understand why some women commented “never hear much about father’s guilt” that wasn’t the point of this post! So thank you for your wise words, they made me feel a lot better <3

I think it will feel different for every parent BUT it will feel similar for most children. Children don’t fully feel that they are an independent being until 18 months and even then need the security of a small group of familiar trustworthy and regular care givers. The issue with nursery care is that the caregivers change, with different age groups and changes of staff. The child’s bond gets formed then broken again and again. By the time they are school age maybe 5 adults have broken that bond so they need the security of enough waking hours with adults that are always present. Not just an hour before and after drop off. This makes the time with parents precious and often demanding and can have knock on effects on the parents relationship. I knew a lovely mum and daughter where the mum had an enjoyable and well paid job, and a great nanny for two children who was with them until the daughter turned 4, She then went to a great nursery before school but was unsettled and ill a lot. The nursery asked parents permission to try and work out the cause through chat and drawings. Of course she was in mourning and bereft because her main caregiver had left her and she thought she was to blame, her heart was broken. Her closest relationship was her nanny who had abandoned her. When a young child feels this and can’t explain it and it happens more than once they build up an idea of the world that loving relationships are not for life and that they don’t deserve lasting love. And we keep blaming social media for mental health issues. …. I don’t want to say women should give up careers for years, but parents need to find a way to create tight and loving bonds, not just a couple of hours a day. This will help when the teenage years hit…. A parent needs to be available at least for a while every evening. Some children are born more resilient than others. But don’t mistake outward confidence and attention seeking with inner resilience. I have seen friends still battling with 20 somethings with mental health issues, it’s a tough world for young people and those whom I have observed with most problems appear to come from families where both parents rushed back to work. Yes they have lovely houses, skiing holidays, drama, music, sport etc. every opportunity. But bulimia, anxiety, drugs etc. Too. I think children of all ages have a tougher time and more challenges than previous generations, & being home full time for them isn’t a cure but being at work for majority of a child’s waking hours exacerbates feelings of anxiety. Stephen Biddulph has written lots on how to have Happy Children, whilst first stating it is impossible to have Happy Children all of the time, we aren’t happy all of the time ourselves and shouldn’t expect it. But in choosing to have children we have some obligations to their mental well being. Why is working setting a good example. Your employer can sack you at the drop of a hat, you may not get in with all colleagues, you may not like your job - setting a good example us kindness and respect for others, manners, and giving up your time for loved ones.

I have worked in childcare for nearly 23 years. I have two children of my own. I get this. Your child will get messy and paint, explore, get independent, try new things, lots of sensory play, go out in the garden, water play - and your house still stays clean lol.
Seriously, talk to your child's key person about how you feel. They are there to support you as well as your beautiful child. You have to do what you have to do. My favourite saying is...'It is what it is'. You need to work to survive. It isn't easy but you have to do what you have to do. She will have a great time there and you can talk to adults and enjoy hot tea and coffee. I hope she settles quickly and that you are OK. Xxx

My daughter went to daycare and loved it. Sometimes she didn’t want to come home. Just find a good one with a stimulating program and baby will be just fine.

I was raised by a working mum who ran her own business (rare in the 1950s) and also worked in the late 1970s albeit part time when most mothers stayed at home My children loved childcare and thrived They also had the advantage of going abroad on holidays It also teaches children to help at home my husband was brought up by a SAHM he was waited on all the time and had a huge shock when he married me and would sit in a chair waiting for me to get home to cook dinner That soon changed and yes I was expected to give up work after having first child (his dad )no way I didn’t study for years to stay at home I would have been bored to tears and I was the breadwinner Also elderely parents can struggle with a toddler health wise and they would give up alot

Sorry but this is just nonsense. If a child is brought up by a SAHM they don’t become ‘lazy’ from being waited on 🙄 a lot of these comments are so eye rollingly cringe. Also the nonsense about kids not being socialised or having a role model.
Everyone can speak to their own circumstances and romanticise their own as being superior.
Im a SAHM and it’s like me coming on and saying, it’s much better for the child as they don’t have abandonment issues Or I’m a great role model because I’m able to show my children I sacrificed my career for 5 years to dedicate it to them….blah blah, everything can be twisted to suit your own narrative.
I also have studied and have a higher education, I also worked for years before leaving my job to do something else and look after my children full time. Just do what makes you happy or what you need to do, or do what gives you purpose! Stop the nonsense about kids brought up at home and all the pitfalls, you definitely know it’s nonsense at its pretty much the basic standard of the nuclear family.

Completely agree

We have big society problems with children's mental health in the last 10years that corresponds with increasing use of daycare/ institutionalised childcare.

Nurseries may provide all these constant, stimulating activities etc but is an assembly line of constant activities what children actually need? Many children would be quite content with simple activities eg jumping in a puddle/ exploring the garden/ baking biscuits etc whilst been close to their mother/ dad/ primary attachment figure and having this stability

Nurseries are big business at the end of the day.

A lot of people on this thread seem to be assuming that SAHPs will spend the rest of their lives as SAHPs, which seems a very strange assumption to make. All the SAHPs/previous SAHPs I know are taking/took a career break to be at home with their pre-school-aged children, but then are planning to go/went back to work. Not saying there aren't any people who have never gone back to work since having children, but they're not the majority.