To have mum guilt over childcare situation

[ChamomileHoneyTea]

DP and I both work full time so I will have to leave DS in nursery when my maternity leave is over (when he turns one).

I know most parents rely on childcare these days but I just feel so guilty! Growing up my mum didn’t work when we were kids because they could live off one salary. My auntie had to go out to work but left my cousins with my grandma because she didn’t work.

Fast forward to now and I can’t afford to not work because we need my salary to survive. My parents are both still working full time so they can’t help. DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out.

Just feeling so down and guilty as if I’m abandoning my DS :( can’t help but think my DS is worse off than me at his age and me & DP are failing him :(

OP I’m a SAHM. My DS has been going to nursery 3 half days a week since he was 18 months.

I do not feel a single ounce of guilt. He loves it & I’m a much better Mum for having 3 half days to do chores/admin/attend appointments etc. in peace. I know I’m incredibly lucky. We also have zero help from family (which we knew would be the case and are completely happy with).

So please don’t feel guilty for sending him to nursery because you have to work. I don’t feel guilty and my DS doesn’t “have to” go to nursery.

In the same camp as you, only I’ve had a bit more time, which I’m not sure has been for the best. LO is 18mon and breastfed and I’m returning to work… so we’re in for a hellish transition.

I’m not sure anyone has minimised the OPs feelings, quite the opposite no?

most posters have said they understand/it’s normal but reassured OP that it will be ok.

As a SAHM to a 17 month old I can assure you there is next to no “sitting around at home.” I agree with previous posters, you can highlight the benefits of being a working mum - which you have done wonderfully - without dragging down SAHMs. We’re all as worthy as each other

I've also found whilst it can be really nice to be a SAHP to a baby, a toddler is a very different behaved and with 2 or more years off work it can be harder to go back to your career and they're much more difficult to settle into nursery.

You will probably be surprised they adjust very well and just feed when with you - that can be a bit more at weekends or they will just settle into a new routine with it.
Both DS's started nursery around 12 months, DS1 continued bf til 22 months, DS2 is still going and is 23 months. Mine would want a feed on getting home from pick up for the first few months then switched to morning and evenings mostly unless unwell.

Oh, wow. This is so promising! Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I’d be lying if I told you that I wasn’t anxious about this.

I felt exactly the same... except neither of my parents worked (disability reasons, not dossers, before anyone starts...) but honestly I've been back at work 3 weeks now and it's been amazing for all of us 🩷
We really make the most of our time together now, and even took a day's leave to match my partners day off, when lo was at nursery, so we could have a day together. What kids need is happy parents who are present when they're together

Feel exactly the same.

Same here, DC started nursery at 1 and BF for over 3 years, wasn’t an issue at all, just had a feed in the morning and evening and more at weekends or if off ill

I come from a country, where atleast in my generation, it was common to have SAHM, there are still problemetic adults in abundance. Also if you send a one year old child to a grandparent, child may feel anxiety at least in the beginning to part from mother. Or sometimes premature babies need to spend time away from mother in the care of hospital staff, but they grow up and thrive. Attachment theory is one theory, a lot more goes into making a well adjusted and emotionally secure adult.

You disagree what? Who is going to pay childcare for all the parents in the country. Should we forget that we have millions in waiting list for NHS, people losing jobs. You decided to be a parent and a stay at home and you now want government to provide you a Nanny to help you in childcare. Do you know anything more than attachment theories about the real world?

How rude with your comment 'there's always one' when someone disagrees with you. I also disagree with your comments and as a SAHM I found it quite offensive.
It's fine to make a comment to make someone feel better about their situation without shitting over a whole other group of parents. So let's make that 'there's always two'.

I think it's disgusting that most families are in a position where both parents HAVE TO work full time, when the children are so young. Of course it's different if parents WANT TO, and it works for them. But must be really hard if you are forced into that situation, I feel for you OP.

Could you (or your DP) perhaps do something like work evenings / weekends, around your child, if you really don't want to leave them? It would just be for a couple of years, after all. By 3 when they get their 30 free hours, they seem to really benefit from preschool at least a few days a week. You could chat to your parents and in-laws about whether they might be able to commit to perhaps a day a week too. So long as you're not too pushy, I don't think asking the question is out of order.

If not, you will still make it work. Lots of children go to nursery FT after all, and are fine x

There are plenty of parents who have a better relationship with their kids because they're very present when they are there and you're more appreciative of it and plan stuff to do.

My mum was a stay at home mum and yes she was physically there, but she rarely spent any actual time with us. We were in front of the TV from a young age. She had a lot of stuff to do, especially as a single parent, and was often snappy or resentful, so it's a grass is always greener thing really.

No I mean comparing less affluent children with a SAHM vs wealthier with 2 working parents

Firstly, you said that having a SAHP was more beneficial than being financially comfortable. That's different to being affluent and slightly less affluent......

Poverty is one of biggest indicators of future outcomes. The evidence on that is clear.
The education level of parents (particularly mothers) is also important.

The evidence of the outcomes of working parents vs SAHP is less clear cut.
One interesting piece of research recently found that daughters of working mums went on to achieve more senior jobs and earn more as adults and son's of working mothers are more likely to take on more caring responsibilities and household chores.

@toppitytop

unfortunately I think some women will do it even if it makes them miserable because they feel it’s something that they should do, that they need to do as a woman and mother and that they need to be a Martyr because that is what is so deeply entrenched within women due to the kind of misogynistic, patriarchal society that we live in.

I think we need to sense check all our decisions as women for this exact reason. Is what we are doing motivated by our intrinsic wants and needs or what society tells us we should want and need?

You seem convinced society is pushing women to be miserable SAHM martyrs but I think there is now a much bigger pressure from society for women to do it all. They are now expected to maintain a well paid, fulfilling career, a beautiful house, cook all meals from scratch and be the perfect parent. To opt out of any part of this is seen as controversial so for a lot of women being a SAHM is actually pushing against societal expectations. You can see this demonstrated in this thread where posters have suggested that SAHMs are somehow lesser than WOHMs. Don't get me wrong, I know as a WOHM that there is a different kind of pressure and judgement but my point is the patriarchal misogynistic society we live in no longer favours the SAHM. It doesn't really favour any of us as by definition we can't be all things at the same time.

The real question is, what matters to you and what do you think is best? Whether that's being a SAHM, WOHM, WAHM etc doesn't really matter as long as you're happy with your choice, it makes practical and financial sense for you and your family in the long term and you are living a life that is authentic to you. Don't let society's BS take you down a path you don't want to be on.

My concern is that most of the women I know who had a significant SAHM period are now under financial stress, either because they have now split from their partner or things are complicated by the level of financial imbalance, or are worried about their pensions. If you are doing it because you are worried your partner won’t step up and you are going to be run ragged working while doing all the childcare then then IME being a SAHM exacerbates that imbalance while adding a layer of financial vulnerability on top. Just be very very careful.

They say it takes a village to raise a child- nursery, grandparents, your friends with children are all part of that village. I agree with PP that guilt is a wasted emotion, but that probably won’t stop you feeling it. Try and channel it into something positive, by making your time at home together as lovely as it can be. If you can make any changes job-wise, like cutting your hours a bit or more WFH then do it, but if not just try and accept. All children need in life is to feel secure and loved- I’m sure his “village” will help you provide that. Best of luck!

Of course it is very difficult to establish cause and effect. One can't assume that daughters of working mothers go on to senior jobs BECAUSE their mothers worked.
Genetics will also play a huge part here, as will the socioeconomic status of the parent and therefore opportunities of the child. A high flying parent is likely to produce a high flying child, regardless of upbringing.

There were studies done that did show that nurseries made children more aggressive, however the researcher's were vilified. In fact I know someone who works as a professor at university who said noone dares touch this subject. If you produce research that says nurseries have a negative effect on children you would be called a sexist and accused of trying to tie women to the home.
But to me it is quite obvious that nursery makes children more aggressive as they have to fight it out for resources with less input from adults.

In my mind it is quite obvious, long periods in nursery do not benefit the child emotionally and can be detrimental, compared to short sessions and more calm homely one to one care. However I do need to put them in nursery 3 long days a week. I do this as I think the benefits of having more money and more opportunity outweighs the downsides of those 3 long days and there are some benefits to them being there after age 3 for social and learning reasons
I don't really see any benefits before 2.5/3 though except to facilitate me working, which is a perfectly valid reason to do it.
I don't feel guilty as I'm just doing what's best for our family, and the children are loved and adored which is the most important thing.

My child went to nursery from 15 months and cried on her first visit to reception.

Anyway most 3 year olds will attend nursery for a few mornings at least whether or not mum works. That's different to sending a 10 month old full time.

I am our main breadwinner. I enjoy work - being stuck at home with small children is not the party everyone makes it out to be.

As a Mum who is on the other side of nursery... please don't waste your time feeling guilty. It's really positive for a chid to see their parents working and, enjoying working (totally get not every day feels like that!). I went back full time and was fortunate to have help from my DM but DC still went to nursery.

Don't get me wrong I missed mine hugely when I returned to work but I didn't feel guilty as such... I would feel far more guilty if we didn't have a roof over our heads or if I wasn't able to keep the constant stream of babybels that are seemingly essential for their diet!

Nursery has lots of advantages... one of which is that if you and your partner take a day off together you can have a whole day of child free time whilst they are being well cared for... I really miss this now we are in school.

I think the children are fine it’s the parents that perhaps feel they have missed out as it is such a short time them been that little. I have always worked full time with all 4 kids and I do think it helped progress my career and gave them days out snd holidays and memories we cherish, however if I had had the financial option then yes would have done 4 days. But we do what we need to do and we make hard choices as mums