Sex life damaged after cheating, AIBU?

[OneTwoThreeFour56789]

I have a partner of almost 7 years, we have three children together (ages 6, 5 and just turned 2)

He has been unfaithful to me, more than once. I opted to stay with him and I know I will be judged harshly for that, but please believe I have my reasons.

The reason for my post;

The cheating and the effects of it has really damaged our sex life. Understandably, I think.

Any time he brings it up I have been suggesting we go to couples counselling to work through our issues and hopefully resolve them. I do love him, do want to be with him and am prepared to put in the effort on my side.

The problem is he doesn't want to go to couples counselling and never takes me up on it or makes any effort to look into it. He seems to think things can just go back to how they were before without any work done on the relationship.

He isn't a good communicator and shuts down / avoids difficult conversations so it's not even as if we've been able to resolve things by talking openly and honestly between us. Things have been discussed on a superficial level but nothing more than that. He's always quick to shut down and change the subject.

I feel like the only way we are going to be able to get back on track is to work through things in a therapeutic setting.

Do you think it's unreasonable of me to expect him to put some work in if he expects us to have a healthy sex life again?

I might show him the thread later on as I think it would be helpful for him to hear other points of view.

He doesn't want to go to counselling because he doesn't want to stop cheating. It is in him, part of him, you can't change it.

Dump him. Where is your self worth?

The only unreasonable thing about this entire situation is you thinking this man is ever going to change. Why would he? He can cheat on you anytime he wants because you'll always take him back. Why should he care about having sex with you when he can get it anywhere he chooses? He's not interested in improving your relationship or communication. You have no value to him other than cook, cleaner and bottle washer. He has proven, repeatedly, that he doesn't respect you, yet you stay. Why on earth would he make any effort to improve? He doesn't have to for you to be with him.

The only one who needs therapy is you. You are the one who has to unpick why you have so little self-worth and why this relationship is one you are willing to squander your life on.

It's over

He’s the one who cheated. More than once. If he wants to even attempt to keep his family in place he should be doing everything possible to help recover it (in this case, going to therapy and communicating with you). He’s not putting any effort in. Please understand you’re worth more than this and leave this useless arsehole.

If your marriage is going to work, he needs to own his past behaviour and do EVERYTHING he possibly can to make things right, to repair the damage that HE has caused. It seems like you are the only one who is prepared to put the effort in.

Of course it will be difficult for him, but not a fraction as painful as what you have already endured. Men think it’s simple, that you can just forget about it and move on. You can’t, and until he faces up to it unfortunately your marriage is doomed. I really hope he finds some balls because both your futures depend upon it.

Sorry OP you are BU but only in as much as you're expecting him to change! He's shown you who he is. He doesn't want to go to counselling because basically he doesn't give a shit as to whether you're there or not. Why not go and get some counselling for yourself, to help you see why you would want to stay with someone who has absolutely no respect for you, or the family you've made together. I honestly can't see why anyone would have gone on to have more than one child with this man, as it's clear he's always been a cheat. Surely you didn't think the answer was to tie him down with more children, did you? The only person you've tied down by having more kids is YOU! Get rid of this creep, NOW! Get some counselling, and don't even think about having another relationship until you know why you thought, continuing this relationship after the first time he cheated on you was worthwhile.

Thank you for the replies, I'm listening.

He waited until he went to work tonight to text me once I'd gone to bed as he doesn't like having conversations like this face to face. He has been asking me whether all of this is because I prefer to just use a sex toy on myself as opposed to having sex with him. He claims he's only asking as he wants to "understand" why we've not been having sex lately.

He knows full well why, largely for the reasons mentioned in my OP but my health is also a bit shit right now. I had brain surgery at the end of October and have daily migraines. I also have a hospital appointment this coming Monday, about a lump in my breast, which I'm worried about.

I haven't been sleeping well and was hoping to get a rare 7-8 hours tonight before getting up with the DC but now I'm pissed off and anxious 😔

You are being asked to accept the unacceptable. He has shown no remorse and doesn't seem to be intending to be faithful in the future. Obviously you aren't happy with the current situation and no wonder. But if he is refusing to co-operate with you to improve things it's stalemate.

@OneTwoThreeFour56789 i dont think he wants to go to counselling because I think he wants to forget he ever cheated in the first place!! once just might have been a mistake, notice I dont say an accident. it is never an accident! anytime more than once is deliberate and I cannot believe you took him back!!! more fool you! a leopard does not change its spots ever!!!!

More fool me indeed 😔

I don't have anybody IRL I can talk to about any of this. If I did, I'm sure they'd be saying what posters here are.

Tell him you will go to counselling without him or with him; his choice. In my experience, this ‘threat’ will force his hand. He might agree to attend out of fear of what conclusions you will reach independently and he will want to be heard. In which case, you have a neutral third party challenging him. And you may well arrive at the conclusion (which I did) that you are better off on your own.

Kick it into the kerb where it belongs. Get some self worth and do the right thing by your children and yourself. Forget counselling he won’t change. Also raise your bar with what you expect and deserve in a partner.

My Ex husband cheated on me seven times that l know of.. ( 1993 just after our Daughter was born.. to 1996) l took him back until l ended up having a nervous breakdown and admitted to psychiatric hospital.
My daughter stayed with my sister at only three years old.
We went to marriage counselling and he sat there and lied.. saying it was all in my head and l an anxious person and because l was already on antidepressants for a trauma that happened before l met him.. the counseller believed l was paranoid..
Hence the breakdown..l asked him to leave.. came out of hospital stronger.. and best thing l did was divorce him.

Of course he doesn’t want to go to counselling- he may have to change his ways- he may have to face up to his behaviour. But he doesn’t have to do any of this because you keep taking him back!!!

I am sorry there is no reason on gods earth for you to be with a serial cheat!!

He doesn’t need to change you allow his behaviour even though it’s immensely damaging and very disrespectful for you and the children.

He should be begging you not too leave not treating you like this! Please do some work on you, build your courage and leave this idiot!

@OneTwoThreeFour56789 In your desperate hour of need, do you really think he is the pillar of salt you need to support you?? I am sure you have closer member of family who will happily do that! you have recently had brain surgery and all he is thinking of is having sex???? give me strength!

You’d seriously advise someone to go to counselling with a partner who’s had multiple affairs? He doesn’t need to be heard he’s already proved what he’s like! The OP doesn’t need counselling she needs to get this waste of space out of her life.

sex life isnt that bad if you had 3 kids in 4 years

He cheated. If you're willing to take him back, which you apparently are, then he needs to be super grateful and do whatever it takes. You get to set the terms of what you need to stay in the relationship.

Personally, even if I stayed with my DH after a cheating episode, I wouldn't be sleeping with him. I don't think I could.

You deserve more than a cheating DH who won't even step up to help you heal.

My friend went to counselling with a cheater and they just used the counselling session to lie, gaslight and focus on my friend's apparent faults rather than their own cheating. It won't solve him or your relationship. Many of us have been there, and they simply don't change their spots. You deserve so much better than his cruelty, especially with the health issues you're going through. LTB. ❤️

What the actual fuck. You do know that firstly it only takes one time to get pregnant, yes?

What a disgusting comment.

I mean, fuck me, he's a lazy fucker isn't he?

Won't put the work into discussing and understanding his behaviour.

Won't put the work into counselling.

Won't put the work into helping a wife recovering from brain surgery.

The only thing he's willing to work on is getting is dick wet.

Honestly darling, throw this one back. Move on with your life. He is not worth you.

It's strange that all these men with no communication skills manage to cop off with other women. They are clearly communicating with them. I think you need to really think about whether life with this man is what you want.

I forgave XH the first time. He put so much effort into owning his behaviour and our sex life finally got back on track. I remember sobbing the first time we had sex again after I found out he'd cheated on me for years.

The second time XH started to blame me for everything going wrong. Our sex life never recovered, as he didn't earn back my trust.

The third time was the end of our marriage.

Dear girl, from one cheated on partner to another, he's not going to change. He doesn't want counselling, as he doesn't want to own his behaviour. He isn't changing.

I know the path ahead looks hard being single, but you need to end things with him. He's treating you like dirt. It's not ok. You can leave him. Life will be better living without wondering who he's with, what he's up to and if he's lying to you again. Being single is so much better than living with that constant sense of unease.

I'm so sorry you went through all of that, what a complete bastard.

The part about you being hospitalised struck a chord with me as that's something I do worry about. I have complex PTSD and ADHD, I don't cope with stress very well at the best of times but he does have the potential to completely mess my life up, and has actually.

The last time it happened, I woke up clueless to find he had snuck out in the night and left us. He sent me a text to say he was leaving and then turned his phone off. He didn't respond to my calls or messages for a week. I was so unwell I couldn't eat or sleep and was such a nervous wreck I was throwing up and having panic attacks.

My DM had to come and stay with us to keep me propped up and help with the children, one is disabled and my youngest was only a small baby at the time and I was useless beyond meeting their immediate needs and keeping them fed.

I was in such a state I felt like I couldn't cope without him, as that week had shown me. So I took him back.

My mum isn't around anymore and I don't have anybody else, at all, that I can lean on for a bit of support.

I really admire your resilience and it gives me a confidence boost to read that your life became so much better when you left him.