Sex life damaged after cheating, AIBU?

[OneTwoThreeFour56789]

I have a partner of almost 7 years, we have three children together (ages 6, 5 and just turned 2)

He has been unfaithful to me, more than once. I opted to stay with him and I know I will be judged harshly for that, but please believe I have my reasons.

The reason for my post;

The cheating and the effects of it has really damaged our sex life. Understandably, I think.

Any time he brings it up I have been suggesting we go to couples counselling to work through our issues and hopefully resolve them. I do love him, do want to be with him and am prepared to put in the effort on my side.

The problem is he doesn't want to go to couples counselling and never takes me up on it or makes any effort to look into it. He seems to think things can just go back to how they were before without any work done on the relationship.

He isn't a good communicator and shuts down / avoids difficult conversations so it's not even as if we've been able to resolve things by talking openly and honestly between us. Things have been discussed on a superficial level but nothing more than that. He's always quick to shut down and change the subject.

I feel like the only way we are going to be able to get back on track is to work through things in a therapeutic setting.

Do you think it's unreasonable of me to expect him to put some work in if he expects us to have a healthy sex life again?

I might show him the thread later on as I think it would be helpful for him to hear other points of view.

You're doing the pick me dance and he isn't even watching

Thank you all. I think I really needed to get all of this out somewhere. I'm crying reading your replies. It's bloody shit isn't it?

God he sounds awful OP, he won’t change.
Looking at the timescale you got pregnant very quickly after getting together?

Wake up OP. He doesn't give a shiny shit about you. Dump him for your own sake.

My own experience, for what it’s worth to anyone else, is that having a third party in the room can be hugely helpful for someone like the OP to say without interruption how unacceptable the situation is, and to validate any decisions she makes, especially if she is currently being shut down. It will become quickly apparent if he doesn’t want to engage. It certainly equipped me with the certainty and confidence to call time; in a one-to-one dialogue at home, I was consistently bullied and belittled. I found my voice in the safe space that I couldn’t find on my own.

If you don't care enough about yourself to want a better life, absolutely no one else will. Your own husband has proven that. Life is so precious. Why would you waste yours being so disregarded and unhappy? It's fucking madness that you have stayed with this man.

Yes, we weren't together long before DC1 was conceived. I (thought) I knew him very well though, we worked together prior and everybody thought he was wonderful.

I was young, naive and let's be honest - an idiot. He is 10 years older than me.

It's fucking madness that you have stayed with this man.

I agree, it is.

The truth is I'm worried about life being even harder without him around. There is absolutely no chance of 50/50 shared custody, he has a stack of excuses already about why that wouldn't be possible. I'd be lucky if he took them out for a couple of hours a week.

I have migraines on a daily basis and when they're bad, they're bad. I can do nothing but lay down and will myself to sleep. I'm on a ton of medication and registered disabled now.

I wrote then deleted a different post the other day about how I have completely messed my life up and by extension my children's lives, as I've trapped myself with somebody I rely on who cannot be relied upon.

I've never ruled out leaving, always seen it as the inevitable actually, irrespective of who makes the decision, it just feels so big and so daunting while the children are so young and I depend on his 'help'. What would happen if I don't cope? I don't have anybody else around.

• but then I think to myself, perhaps it won't be so bad if I'm the one making that decision. It won't feel like it did when he pulled the rug from under my feet and left out of the blue.

Head fuck.

Gosh

His cheating is a clear message that he doesn’t think you are worthy of respect. You staying is your active decision to agree with him.

Perhaps see if you can get to Citizens advice to see what you could be entitled to

Is he actually any help with the children? It seems he will clear off if things get tough so you can't rely on him. You may find your health improves once you decide to get rid of him because your life will be more settled. If he doesn't want to share childcare you can claim CMS and may find you can afford to pay for some additional childcare.

💐 @OneTwoThreeFour56789

It would be sensible to explore your options in leaving him. You deserve better.

I’m so very sorry you are going through this OP. I can’t begin to imagine how much this has affected you. I know first hand from having my own narcissistic cheating ex who I also had a child with. I found I ended up blaming myself for everything, including why he cheated on me. He also used to remind me continuously we never had sex anymore, but truth be told my body was repulsed by him and everything he had put me through, I just couldn’t. I never was in the mood, I never fancied him anymore, he became the ugliest person to me. Sex is special and the fact he shared that with someone other than you, is unforgivable. Having counselling maybe would’ve helped and shown he is serious about making attempts to repair the damage he’s caused, but he’s not willing. That says it all. This man knows you depend on him and won’t change. They never do. Even if you share children together, they don’t change because men like that are weak. You need to show yourself some more kindness. You say you wouldn’t cope being a single parent but I guarantee you already are a single parent and do the majority of parenting, cleaning and general duties? He’s just around. It’s actually more peaceful being properly alone. That way you know you are not accepting the bare bare minimum anymore. Leaving won’t be an immediate thing I know, you should try to make a plan and get your ducks in order beforehand. Things can’t go on like this forever, and your children deserve a happy mum. They also deserve to see a real happy loving relationship because ultimately that will shape their views on how relationships work. Children learn by watching their parents. Don’t show them a struggle love, an unhappy love, a toxic love. Raise them to be better, love better, accept better x

This is awful and my heart breaks for you. 💔

I would look into resources and support available and kick him to the curb.

I didn't know how I would manage as a single mom who is a full time carer for my ds who has complex sn's.

Truthfully it's easier. Not easy, but easier. I'm happier. I set the tone for our house. No adult screaming and yelling and scaring us.

Ds can be violent and unpredictable but it's one thing managing my son, versus parenting a grown man.

I believe you can do it on your own.

It's will hurt, and be scary, but your kids and you are so worth it. 💐

Men like this destroy your confidence and every ounce of your wellbeing with the things they do and then lay the blame on you. Leaving a narcissist is never easy, especially with children involved. But you deserve better, as do your children. Is there any family around you? Any support? Do you have a council property? You could look at getting a house swap just to be out of the area? I know you say you are registered disabled, could you look into getting a government funded carer or get child free hours? What does this man actually bring to your life that makes you feel as if it’s easier being with him?x

I think to myself, perhaps it won't be so bad if I'm the one making that decision.

Yes. I think this is important for your recovery and your future wellbeing. He doesn't want to put in any work to save the relationship. You can't make him. So that's that. Stressing yourself out even more to change that is a waste of your time. Realise what this means - what he thinks of you. It will honestly do you the world of good to take back control of your life and cut out the cancer that is slowing killing you.

It takes a while to dawn on you how bad it actually is but you need to end this relationship for your own good and that of your children.

This man doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't care about what you want ot need, he doesn't want to have to work on the relationship and he will definitely cheat in you again. Now you know this, you'll know there's no point.

He is never going to change.

You need to get advice and get a plan in place about your next steps as you're on a road to nowhere staying as you are.

Just to echo the other posters. He isn't going to change. In fact, perhaps he will but only for the worse.

And as you said earlier, op, it's just one head fuck after another. Always wondering when the rug will next be pulled from under you. It's horrendous. And abusive. Your confidence will vanish.

Please make plans for divorce. It will be hard and distressing. No doubt about that. But there will be an end to the psychological misery he is and will subject you to.

I am a year after starting divorce proceedings. Whilst I worry about money, my future etc I at least know he can no longer destroy my mental health by the constant betrayal and deceit. It's a mental peace I never thought I'd be able to have. A relief.

All power to you. Take back your power and focus on you and what you can do to free yourself.

It really isn’t that easy and she hasn’t chosen that option. OP clearly said she has her reasons- this is such and unhelpful attitude.

I wouldn’t want to have sex with him either when I wasn’t sure that he had stopped cheating. If he really loves you and wants to save the relationship then he needs to do what it takes. If he’s not even prepared to do counselling then get rid. Seriously. He will do this again and again

I think you really have to make some plans to leave.

I'm not going to offer any advice on the relationship because it doesn't seem worth discussing. He's not an adequate partner or father and isn't going to turn into one, so there's nothing to say.

In your shoes I would be making some practical plans. Would your DM offer help? If you were my DD I would step in wherever I was needed on a daily basis to get her out of a relationship like this. Could your DM offer help with the kids or support when you are sick? Can you see your GP and review medication or ask for referral to the pain clinic to better manage your symptoms? Are there any children's centres near you that could offer sessions for the kids?

You’re an idiot for staying with this excuse of a man

You’ve opted to stay fair enough some people do and for some people it works

In from the school of thought if you both commit to stay together you both have to put this behind you

raking over it is like picking a scab

have a good hard think you need to be able to draw a line under it and move forward if you can’t do this then sorry it’s not going to work

Bless you, he’s trapped you between a rock and a hard place.

Decide the relationship is over- just in your head- and start planning how to make it happen.

Grey rock him- don’t be emotionally open with him- just make polite conversation that keeps him calm. Don’t give him reason to think you are planning an out, as he’ll try and take control.

How was your health before you became a couple? Stress really doesn’t help migraines. You may feel better without this abusive bloke pulling your strings.

Look at the ages of your children, free childcare, work, and see when the most sensible point for leaving is. Then work towards that. Keep an eye out for opportunities- someone to share childcare with, things like that.

Bless you, what a shocker. I’m sorry about your mum, too.

@HolidayAddict23 Nope. You are the idiot, the very worst of MN, making horrible, spiteful, unnecessary comments to people who are clearly vulnerable and in pain. Have a word with yourself.

I am so sorry this has happened to you op. But, you’ve taken the first steps towards realising that this is wrong. Of course you don’t want to have sex with him. Intimacy for lots of people requires trust, a feeling of safety and respect. He isn’t showing you any of that. But, that is on him, not you. There is nothing you could have done to stop him cheating, that is who he is and he is showing no interest in changing.

I wouldn’t go to a therapist with him, I would go alone. Get some help to untangle your thoughts, learn how to put yourself first and build a good, safe life for you and your dc without this deadweight, waste of oxygen “man” pulling you down. You CAN do it and you ARE worth it. Good luck, you will get there xxx