Sex life damaged after cheating, AIBU?

[OneTwoThreeFour56789]

I have a partner of almost 7 years, we have three children together (ages 6, 5 and just turned 2)

He has been unfaithful to me, more than once. I opted to stay with him and I know I will be judged harshly for that, but please believe I have my reasons.

The reason for my post;

The cheating and the effects of it has really damaged our sex life. Understandably, I think.

Any time he brings it up I have been suggesting we go to couples counselling to work through our issues and hopefully resolve them. I do love him, do want to be with him and am prepared to put in the effort on my side.

The problem is he doesn't want to go to couples counselling and never takes me up on it or makes any effort to look into it. He seems to think things can just go back to how they were before without any work done on the relationship.

He isn't a good communicator and shuts down / avoids difficult conversations so it's not even as if we've been able to resolve things by talking openly and honestly between us. Things have been discussed on a superficial level but nothing more than that. He's always quick to shut down and change the subject.

I feel like the only way we are going to be able to get back on track is to work through things in a therapeutic setting.

Do you think it's unreasonable of me to expect him to put some work in if he expects us to have a healthy sex life again?

I might show him the thread later on as I think it would be helpful for him to hear other points of view.

And yes - I’d be telling him that I’ve got more faith in the sex toy because it’s not been inside another woman.

His audacity is galling isn't it? I replied to that message asking whether he prefers having sex with other people, as we're asking intrusive questions now. He said no but didn't want to talk about it any more after that. Funny that.

I would put money on him cheating again too. I would be stunned if he didn't, and I'm sure there is more than I know about.

The OW sent me a long message over Facebook when he returned home and left her after a week. I didn't want to engage with her as she was just vile to me but I did clock one line of the message about him "trying it on" with "everyone" at work.

It is quite frankly astounding that someone thinks they can cheat and you’ll get over it and it will all be fine and forgotten about.

No - it doesn’t work like that. He needs to understand that he has to be grateful that you stayed and he needs to work very hard to make you feel safe and secure. What he needs just doesn’t come into it.

Good lord. How do I put this without sounding harsh - get out, please? I've been here (thankfully no children involved) and the best thing I ever did was say see ya when he walked out the door to another woman. He isn't putting the work in because he doesn't want to. He isn't doing a damn thing to save your relationship. All he is concerned about is why you, a woman who has not long had brain surgery and is currently battling a possible lump in her breast, is not having sex with him. For just one moment imagine that is someone treating your daughter like that and think what you would say? Same goes for you. Please get rid before he does you some permanent mental damage.

Oh Op. what an awful situation. Fwiw I completely understand why you don't feel you can realistically leave at the moment but you owe it to yourself to make plans to do so so that you can put them into action at a time of your choosing.

Wishing you lots of luck with the consultant appointment.

I think the real problem here, lovely, is that he isn't capable of being in a mature adult relationship. Of course he won't go to couples counselling, he cares about himself more than you. And that's not personal, he probably cheats on all his partners.

Having kids 1 year into a relationship isn't wise and this is what you risk. You didn't really know him. Now you do, you have three kids and feel stuck.

He won't change. Your relationship won't heal. All you can do, if you stay together, is lower your expectations.

He cheats because he knows he can, you always take him back so he cheats again. CHEAT FORGIVE CHEAT FORGIVE CHEAT, can you see where this is going ? Same old same old. He does not want to be tied down by a wife and 3 children, did he ever want that at all or was it circumstance? You have been together 7 years but your eldest is 6, a pregnancy in a very new relationship forces couples to commit. He is telling you very loudly that he doesn't want this life.

It's not unreasonable. He's not going to do it though and you've shown him he has a green light to do it again because he knows you're not going anywhere.

You have a choice to make. You stay and wait for him to do it again or you get rid of him and find someone who can keep his dick in his trousers.

There is no in-between. Sorry man.

It really is atrocious behaviour isn't it? If he was recovering from major surgery and then put on the 2 week wait to rule out cancer for something else the last thing I'd be thinking about is sex.

Unable to have a mature adult relationship - absolutely. I don't think his brain is in sync with his age. He is incredibly immature and, I suspect, has a mild learning disability of some sort. I'm not being purposefully cruel but there is definitely something going on there.

Having a baby 1 year into a relationship was a poor judgement call on my part I agree. I love my children but do wish I'd had them with somebody else.

Twice. Oh please. Please leave, show some self worth.

The kids were all wanted by him.

He does want the wife and kids set up, he just wants to be able to do what he likes on the side. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

You're not being unreasonable at all to expect him to want to work on your relationship, but I think you're missing the very sad point that the reason he doesn't want to work together to improve your relationship and move forward, is because he is happy doing what he does. Do you have family/friend support? I hope everything works out for the best for you and the children.

I'm sorry, can I get this straight...

This dickweed is wanting to know why you've not been putting out , despite him cheating several times, not to mention you're recovering from recent BRAIN SURGERY.. suffering daily migraines and also stressing about breast cancer...

and his primary concern is why his nut sack isn't being emptied by you?

Like really?

I don't think you love this wastrel of a man, you've got such a diminished view of your own self worth.

This man is an absolute charm, 💯 diamond 💎.

Cheater never loses his spots. He will never change, and you shouldn't expect him too. So question is, if he's not changing because he has absolutelyno intention of changing, then 🤔 do you still want to be in that relationship?

It's not a nice thing to think about but the poster is right, you do need to think about it. All parents, even in perfect health, need to think about guardians for their children. We've always had a will where we named guardians should something happen to us both. However, I totally understand your concerns are more immediate.

Is there a support worker, social worker at the school or hospital, or anywhere else that you can talk to who might be able to help you work out alternatives? There will be a way. If your DH died tomorrow you'd have to find a way, so what would you do if he wasn't there?

I'm thinking that maybe another parent(s) in the area, surrounding streets even, who has children in the same school, might be able and willing to help with pick ups/drop offs. As you are unwell and it's well documented medically, are there support services or workers that can help you with getting the children to school and other places?

Meanwhile, you need more help with pain management and I hope the medical staff are onto making that happen.

I had my appointment at the breast clinic today, all is fine so that's a huge weight off my mind and I feel like I can think a bit more clearly now I don't have that hanging over me. I've also had two migraine free days in a row which is bloody brilliant for me atm.

We've had a heated discussion this evening. I've been simmering about everything he said the other day and it all came blurting out. I told him I don't want to do couples counselling as it's a waste of time. I told him outright that I'm not interested in him sexually anymore and that he's making me feel uncomfortable in my own home with things he's been saying and doing.

I told him to start thinking about what co-parenting would look like if he no longer lived here and that I don't think the current set up is working for any of us long term. I asked him whether, in that event, I can expect him to share the load with the kids or not.

My anxiety is through the roof now. I can't believe I said it all. It's everything I've wanted to say but been too scared to say, incase he just buggered off.

He's called in sick to work tonight. I asked why. He said he's just knackered. I think he's worried about ME kicking him out now.

Perhaps he doesn't hold all of the cards..

I think posting here the other day has given me a bit of bottle and I'm starting to realise that life just might be better without him. Harder at first, definitely, but there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I have a lot of logistics to think about, but thank you mumsnet for lighting the fire.

Oh WOW! That's BRILLIANT OP! Well done you!

Bloody hell OP, I've just read the whole thread from the start. What a tit he is. And well done for saying all the things you've been bottling up, he deserves every word of that. Keep going!

Cheers to you OP, you've had a very powerful day! Must have taken real bottle but your future self would thank you, saving years of being lied to and cheated on if you didn't do what you're doing now. Don't take him back, he'll never change. This may be the beginning of a wonderful new stage of your life... exciting... Well done!!! 🥂

I've just found this thread and it's lovely to read throught to the end and see where you've got to, OP.

Now that you've put the fear into him, do you think you could use that as leverage to negotiate an arrangement that suits you in the short-medium term, while you focus on your health?

I can see that you really want to get out now, and don't really care if he cheats, but the practicalities are stopping you. Can you visualise something that would work for you until you're back on your feet and/or the kids are a little older, would you consider co-parenting while separated under one roof? Do you think he'd go for that?

Well done OP, that’s bloody amazing! I know it’s scary thinking about how you’ll manage without him there, but trust me, you will, because you’ll have to. It will be hard and it will be lonely at times, but it gets easier as the kids get older. Expect a mental health dip initially as your brain starts to really process what you’ve been through, but once you get through that you get to live your life the way you want to, not having to think about that arsehole, and letting him fuck with your head like he has. And that, I can promise you from experience, makes it completely worthwhile. There’s no going back for your relationship, you’ve said it yourself, so you know what you need to do. Stay strong.

You are crazy staying with him op. In the long run you're just making it harder for yourself.

Congratulations!!!!💐
You are amazing! I'm so happy you are taking care of yourself..

That is excellent work op, bloody well done! I’m cheering for you - keep going!! Use this momentum to build the life you deserve. Go you!!!!!

Well done that woman!! He won't like you taking the high ground here so he might try love bombing you, for goodness sake don't fall for it. When you don't he'll get angry and probably be a proper immature little child about it all and you will remember why you said all this in the first place. I'd put money on it.

Congratulations on the clear diagnosis!