Sex life damaged after cheating, AIBU?

[OneTwoThreeFour56789]

I have a partner of almost 7 years, we have three children together (ages 6, 5 and just turned 2)

He has been unfaithful to me, more than once. I opted to stay with him and I know I will be judged harshly for that, but please believe I have my reasons.

The reason for my post;

The cheating and the effects of it has really damaged our sex life. Understandably, I think.

Any time he brings it up I have been suggesting we go to couples counselling to work through our issues and hopefully resolve them. I do love him, do want to be with him and am prepared to put in the effort on my side.

The problem is he doesn't want to go to couples counselling and never takes me up on it or makes any effort to look into it. He seems to think things can just go back to how they were before without any work done on the relationship.

He isn't a good communicator and shuts down / avoids difficult conversations so it's not even as if we've been able to resolve things by talking openly and honestly between us. Things have been discussed on a superficial level but nothing more than that. He's always quick to shut down and change the subject.

I feel like the only way we are going to be able to get back on track is to work through things in a therapeutic setting.

Do you think it's unreasonable of me to expect him to put some work in if he expects us to have a healthy sex life again?

I might show him the thread later on as I think it would be helpful for him to hear other points of view.

Ok thats your opinion. My opinion is women shouldn't ever stay with a cheater. We're entitled to our own opinions and I consider yours enabling and unhelpful. Women should know their own worth and kick these losers to the kerb. In my opinion.

It’s your right to hold that opinion, @HolidayAddict23

I think it would be stupid for OP not to plan carefully for the future of her children. She has significant health needs and no support apart from him. It would be reckless to kick him to the kerb and risk losing her children to him or the state is she becomes too unwell to look after them.

She’s not stupid to consider her position really carefully.

I'm really sorry OP, but the truth is he just doesn't care enough about saving the relationship. If he did he'd be bending over backwards to do what you requested.

As you are registered disabled would you qualify for any childcare help with your children? I'm sorry, I don't know much about it, hopefully someone who is better informed can advise.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I appreciate the kind comments and understanding about why it's not quite as easy as just leaving - but at the same time I know this can't continue for long.

I have taken some steps to protect myself in the mean time, the tenancy is in my name and our finances are seperate.

Somebody asked whether he helps with his children, yes he does. He's very much hands on, that's the only reason he's still here, for me. If he didn't there would be no point in him staying, nor would I be so worried about him going.

My health was absolutely fine before I met him. It all started in 2019 with sepsis which left me with some long term problems, I was diagnosed with cPTSD and ADHD in 2020, something else, then chronic migraines and then a brain aneurysm. You couldn't make it up.

I'm on meds for the migraines but they've stopped working. I also get botox for them every 4 months but that no longer seems to work either. I have around 26 migraine days per month, slightly more than I did before I had the surgery so that wasn't the magic fix I hoped it would be. I can't have anything like Ajovy because of the aneurysm. I'll be seeing my neurosurgeon for an angiogram in march to see whether the aneurysm is occluded, so I will discuss other pain management options then.

I've also got some other physical things that mean I can't lift/bend/run etc. I used to love running and it was great for my mental health. Life is pretty shit now.

I was thinking about things last night and looking at ways I would be best placed to manage without him. I'd need his help in the mornings for the school run as all of my DC are at different schools / nursery. DC1 is picked up by council transport at 8.30 which makes it impossible for me to get DD to school on time and DC3 to nursery, he has just started going for 2 days a week but it's quite far out. He is also on the pathway to be assessed for ASD so we enrolled him in the same SN nursery that DS1 went to.

P works nights and takes DD to school and then DS2 to nursery after he finishes work in the morning which works well. I don't think that would continue If he didn't live here so I would need to look at how I'd make that work.

I feel so sorry for my DC as I feel like a useless mum. I do my best by them but it must be shit having a mum that is always ill and in pain.

A large part of me feels so angry that P even expects sex after everything he has put me through. I said to him last night he can do what he wants with who he wants, just make sure he is there for the children. The thought of him cheating doesn't make me feel sad anymore, just worried about being left on my own if that makes sense.

Things will start looking up soon, I promise. Your life is only going to get better, not worse, once you are no longer being terrorised by this horrible man.

This is exactly it, thank you.

I'm terrified I will lose my children. All it will take is a well meaning referral from a teacher (etc) who thinks they're doing me a kindness, then before we know it we're thrown into the safeguarding procedure and there are questions raised about my ability to cope.

Social services are so thinly stretched and under funded these days there is less and less help for people like me and it becomes about whether or not I can meet their needs. If not and I don't have supportive factors, which I don't other than him, I'll lose them. That's exactly what all this is about.

If P leaves he would stay with his dad and dad's partner. There would be no room for the DC there (its a small flat) and she wouldn't allow it anyway so they would end up in foster care. No other family to take them.

He only earns NMW which wouldn't pay for a flat around here, he'd end up having to rent a room somewhere and ofc couldn't have them there.

So your situation is really difficult, but that needn’t stop you planning and preparing. Nor does it mean you have to put up with bad behaviour.

Take a bit of time to work out what you want. Stop prioritising him in any way and focus on yourself and your DC. Work on your health, don’t work on your relationship. Your priority is to get yourself as well as possible- minimise stress, including the stress of caring what he thinks about you. Earn where you can.

💐

You are absolutely catastrophising though, which I understand, but it isn't helping you. You have gone immediately to 'if I leave the children will be taken from me' which is NOT the case. At all.

Yes, you will have to plan carefully and yes, perhaps you'll have to seek support but apart from school runs I would bet my house he isn't actually doing anything to support you. And that your already overworked brain is so full of 'him' that you can't see the woods for the trees.

I know you're ill and have a lot on your plate, but a lot of that plate is HIM!

This will sound trite but here's what I'd do: throw him out the week before the Easter holidays (I'd say summer but I don't think you can hold on til then). That way you have immediate breathing space. Then work out what to do.

It is INCREDIBLY common for single parents of multiple children where one is disabled to have real issues with the school run by the way. Do you have an SEN parents facebook groups near you? Sometimes it can be as simple as changing a start time or a pick up time by 10 minutes, or there may be a walking group for DCs. You aren't able to generate this kind of thinking right now because you are overwhelmed by your situation, but I promise you that getting rid of your H will suddenly free up a lot of headspace.

Quoting this because it was late and OP might have missed it and it bears repeating. Bravo @Josette77

OP, that could be you in a year.

Thank you all ❤️

I am catastrophising arent I? It's a worry loop I've become caught in where leaving him = losing the children.

He has come home this morning declaring he wants to do the counselling. I don't buy it, he says whatever he thinks I want to hear at the time.

If i'm completely honest with myself.. insisting on counselling is just another way of me kicking the can down the road to get out of sleeping with him. I don't think my feelings would change even if we did have it. I really don't want to sleep with him again, at all.

I've just seen your post @Josette77 and it is so encouraging. Your DS sounds alot like mine. I don't personally know anybody else who is a sole carer like you, so it's great to hear from you having come through the other side of where I am now.

I want to make an effort to get to know some of the mums from his school, it's a specialist school so everybody can relate to each other to a degree, it's just not always easy to get to the coffee mornings as I feel like crap most days and use what energy i do have for the things that can't wait. I should make it a priority though, try to find my 'tribe'

Absolutely play the long game. You know what’s what. Buy yourself some time.
Work fast though. Not only is it stressful and unpleasant for you now, he may well become worse when he realises you aren’t falling for it.

The greatest tragedy here is that your self esteem is so low you actually think this is all you deserve in life. Even if you don't want more for you, want more for your children.

Normally I am not in the LTB parade. I think marriages and partnerships can be worked on, even if one party has totally broken trust. You both need to work at it, but it can be done.

However, the fact he just left in the middle of the night for a week is just unforgivable. Even if things improved between the two of you: by him never cheating again, him supporting you, your health improving, and you improving your sex life (the original question in your OP) - would you want to be with him knowing what you know? Could you get past that?

Im sorry OP but your partner has disrespected you and continues to disrespect you by not wanting to go to therapy, by not putting in any effort. He’s made a huge mistake and is just expecting everything to be fine? I would get rid.

He cheats because of his poor characteristics.

The characteristics that allow him to choose to cheat and to justify the decision he makes to cheat, while witnessing what devestation it creates in the person he purports to love, are the same characteristics that means he is unsafe as a partner.

Until mr cheaty decides he wants to fix his poor, low quality characteristics he will not be a safe partner.

These characteristics often include:
addiction, inability to communicate, people pleasing, low self esteem, requiring ego kibbles, external validation, poor impulse control, inability to self soothe, dishonesty, low integrity, lack of values.

He is low quality - anyone can cheat - tinder is a click away, sex clubs a drive away. It’s not because he’s sexy or irresistible to the ladies. It’s because he has poor boundaries and needs kibbles to boost his self worth. Or he doesn’t believe in monogomy - which is absolutely fine - he should have the decency to admit that and give you the option to find a sex partner or leave the sham of a monogamous relationship.

You deserve better.

I stayed. And stayed. And stayed.

he continued to cheat

I didn’t want him anywhere near me

we are now divorced

He isn't willing to put any work into improving your relationship because you've already demonstrated that they are no consequences for him if he cheats and therefore he doesn't actually need to step up and be a better husband.

My guess is that he will cheat again and blame it on the issues in your sex life.

This. Your biggest concern is the sex life ? You're with a cheater, your standards are so low, your children clearly must be living in an unhappy environment, you're turning out child after child and you want to drag him to therapy.. for what? To work on your sex life?

You absolutely must make plans to leave op. This man is not good to you and you are focus on all the wrong things here. Focus on your health, kids and leaving.

I think it's blatantly clear that this isn't about me wanting to improve my sex life. Have you bothered reading my subsequent posts?

You sound horrible.

This marriage is dead.he will continue to cheat

Practically speaking, will he take the dc if you get sicker/die or do you need a legal guardian for them?
What does your will say?

The first time, if he was sorry, made a mistake and was utting his everthing in to show he wanted to make things work I would try counselling but he went off and cheated a second time? He has no morals, he doesn't care about you or the relationship...I'd guess he's stayed because it's a comfortable set up at the moment but I would put money on him cheating again. Stop worrying that your children will be taken from you, you will make it work. He sounds like a horrible arsehole, asking if you prefer your sex toy and that's why you won't have sex? He put his penis inside another woman! He's having a laugh asking you that!

What a lovely thing to think about.

If I became seriously ill or died yes he would have them. There's nobody else. It's him or in care.

Yes, this was my thought as well. Note how he’s super focused on getting sex - but not on doing anything to support his wife.

He should be grateful you stayed with him, and be wholly focused on building a new relationship with you.

But he isn’t - he just wants sex.