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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my dp is hiding something

108 replies

Bakermama · 25/01/2024 10:51

The past 3 months or so dp has become increasingly angry. He is having outburts where he shouts at me and dc, hits objects and slams doors. According to dp he is feeling very unstable and can't pin point as to the reason why.

After a long talk it came to light that he is finding home life overwhelming. I told dp it feels like he has a lot of disdain and resentment for his life right now and we are all his punching bags. I can't work out if its being a dad, or being with me but the only thing he talks positively off is his job. Im trying my hardest to not take it personally but its hard. Dp said he is begrudging coming home and not having any time to himself. Dc is 2 going on 3 and although we have both expressed frustration in wanting more free time we both concluded we knew this was only temporary and that things will get better. So this sudden relapse has thrown me and although I agree I would like more time to consider me I would never take that out on the people or furniture around me.

Im starting not enjoy dps company. Whenever I talk to him about doing anything nice for dc its always met with a groan and not wanting to. So I just end up taking dc on my own. I can't help but feel like there is something deeper to this. My mind has been racing to things like cheating, maybe he is gay, maybe he just wants to go drinking with his friends ( he had a bad unhealthy lifestyle before dc).

Meanwhile my needs in our relationship are not being met. I feel like im having to put our relationship on hold. Dp disputes he isn't mentally okay right now and I shouldn't leave him because he is down. But we have been together for 6 years and there is always a reason as to why he can never meet my needs and work to put more effort in our relationship.

Im so tired of this. Last time I had a gut instinct he was hiding something it turned out to be true ( it was debt) so I would feel foolish to ignore myself now. Could really use some advice here. Thanks.

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Bakermama · 25/01/2024 10:54

Thought I should mention we are young parents so thats why I have considered him just thinking being a dad isnt for him. We had dc in our early twenties and I have found dp to be talking more so now than ever about his friends and how he feels left out and wants to see them more. I've tried to encourage this but then when it comes down to it he never bothers to make the effort to try and organise outings with them

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Prawncow · 25/01/2024 10:54

Last time I had a gut instinct he was hiding something it turned out to be true ( it was debt)

That’s probably it - more debt.

MojoMoon · 25/01/2024 10:54

I am concerned for your safety. He is unstable, verbally aggressive towards you and your child (shouting) and physically intimidating ( hitting things, door slamming) and this is getting more frequent and severe.

Do you have family/friends that you could go to with the child if needed? Have you started thinking of an exit plan? Bear in mind abusive men are often most dangerous at the point they realise you are leaving.

Bakermama · 25/01/2024 10:55

@Prawncow i've already thought this and asked dp if its debt related. He swears blind its not and that he has all his payments under control.

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YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 25/01/2024 10:55

I'm sorry you're going through this. Could it be debt again? Some people (largely men it would seem anecdotally) just can't cope with family life though, dealing with the needs of someone else and having their partner not put them first.

He sounds like he's currently not a partner at all. If he says you shouldn't leave him when his MH is bad then he needs to get help for his MH as it's having a bad impact on you and DC also.

GabriellaMontez · 25/01/2024 10:56

He increasingly shouts at you and your two year old. He hits furniture.

Have you made any plans to leave him ?

notjustthe · 25/01/2024 10:57

He is having outburts where he shouts at me and dc, hits objects and slams doors.

sounds terrifying for an adult le alone a 2 year old
forget about your own needs not being met and focus on fact that your child is in a good awful family environment

Bakermama · 25/01/2024 10:57

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug he has just started counselling so that is his go to comeback. However he has allowed this to fester and worsen for 3 months and now I feel that isn't enough to help us in the here and now. Im aware counselling can take months before you start to see some results and I don't think I can bare this any longer.

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notjustthe · 25/01/2024 10:58

Bakermama · 25/01/2024 10:57

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug he has just started counselling so that is his go to comeback. However he has allowed this to fester and worsen for 3 months and now I feel that isn't enough to help us in the here and now. Im aware counselling can take months before you start to see some results and I don't think I can bare this any longer.

private?
nhs?

he progressed this? or…. there’s been some SS involvement?

Windymcwindyson · 25/01/2024 11:00

How has he acquired the debt? Gambling? Drugs? Maybe he is still doing whatever it was...

Bakermama · 25/01/2024 11:02

@notjustthe private

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YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 25/01/2024 11:02

If you don't want to live with him anymore @Bakermama you absolutely don't have to. How would he react if you asked him for some space? Would either he or you and DC be able to live somewhere else temporarily as a start?

TheSlantedOwl · 25/01/2024 11:03

Leave him. It sounds awful.

Prawncow · 25/01/2024 11:06

You can have payments under control (until you don’t) and still be carrying more and more debt. Minimum payments cover the interest but don’t actually pay off the balance. It might be something else entirely but I wouldn’t rule it out.

Whatever is going on with him, as other posters have said, his behaviour isn’t acceptable and it’s escalating. It’s aggressive and dangerous. He needs to sort himself out. You need to focus on keeping you and your DC safe.

RatatouillePie · 25/01/2024 11:06

Well if he moans about having to do something nice with your DC, and then you end up taking DC on your own, then clearly he IS getting plenty of time to himself.

Personally I'd think about having some time out from each other.

Bakermama · 25/01/2024 11:07

@Windymcwindyson i think most of it was from a loan. To my knowledge he would have no reason to accumulate more debt but then again he is never financially transparent with me like he promised me he would be

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notjustthe · 25/01/2024 11:08

Bakermama · 25/01/2024 11:07

@Windymcwindyson i think most of it was from a loan. To my knowledge he would have no reason to accumulate more debt but then again he is never financially transparent with me like he promised me he would be

he pays for this private himself - yes?
have you actually ever seen him enter the premises?
or does he just come back and say he’s been?

Windymcwindyson · 25/01/2024 11:10

Does the place say therapist on the door or casino? My ex gambled our wedding fund of £800 and blamed my ds...

SClubParty · 25/01/2024 11:12

He “swears blind” there’s no debt. But is there any way to prove it, do you share bank accounts etc?

Bakermama · 25/01/2024 11:13

@notjustthe its video calls. He does the sessions at home so I know he is talking to someone for a hour.

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Prawncow · 25/01/2024 11:16

With the way he’s behaving towards you it doesn’t sound like it would be safe to challenge him over the details of his finances right now.

Bakermama · 25/01/2024 11:17

@Prawncow yes, I need to be csreful with what I say around him at the moment since he is on a hair trigger and any sort of confrontation aggrivates him.

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notjustthe · 25/01/2024 11:20

it’s all about you and your needs op

and even in your follow up posts, nothing about your very young children

You are their advocate, their defender, their mother

Bakermama · 25/01/2024 11:20

Our dc has started shouting a lot more now and becoming hysterical and I know its because they are witnessing dp's behaviour. I've called him out on this and he agrees he doesnt't want dc to learn to communicate like this and it upsets him but he says once he starts its like he can't stop and he see's red. Even if I tell him if he carries on im leaving, we are done, he is going to cause upset and tension, he still doesn't seem to be able to reel it in. Its like he goes on a war path and will only stop once the damage is done.

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Bakermama · 25/01/2024 11:21

@notjustthe I know. Which is why I just made the following post. I am also concerned for them

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