To think my dp is hiding something

[Bakermama]

The past 3 months or so dp has become increasingly angry. He is having outburts where he shouts at me and dc, hits objects and slams doors. According to dp he is feeling very unstable and can't pin point as to the reason why.

After a long talk it came to light that he is finding home life overwhelming. I told dp it feels like he has a lot of disdain and resentment for his life right now and we are all his punching bags. I can't work out if its being a dad, or being with me but the only thing he talks positively off is his job. Im trying my hardest to not take it personally but its hard. Dp said he is begrudging coming home and not having any time to himself. Dc is 2 going on 3 and although we have both expressed frustration in wanting more free time we both concluded we knew this was only temporary and that things will get better. So this sudden relapse has thrown me and although I agree I would like more time to consider me I would never take that out on the people or furniture around me.

Im starting not enjoy dps company. Whenever I talk to him about doing anything nice for dc its always met with a groan and not wanting to. So I just end up taking dc on my own. I can't help but feel like there is something deeper to this. My mind has been racing to things like cheating, maybe he is gay, maybe he just wants to go drinking with his friends ( he had a bad unhealthy lifestyle before dc).

Meanwhile my needs in our relationship are not being met. I feel like im having to put our relationship on hold. Dp disputes he isn't mentally okay right now and I shouldn't leave him because he is down. But we have been together for 6 years and there is always a reason as to why he can never meet my needs and work to put more effort in our relationship.

Im so tired of this. Last time I had a gut instinct he was hiding something it turned out to be true ( it was debt) so I would feel foolish to ignore myself now. Could really use some advice here. Thanks.

I’ve read so many women tie themselves in knots for men who suddenly start behaving like this. They try so hard to help them, despite the abuse they receive. The men play the mental health card, invariably. All have all been hiding affairs or some horrific secret.

You know the answer.

This behaviour is unacceptable and frightening for a young child. Don’t keep putting your child through this.

It’s not your job to psychoanalyse him. Women are not responsible for “fixing” men and their problems.

Please remove your child from this abusive environment, you need to put their needs above his.

He’s behaving abusively. It’s very unlikely to get better unless he is recognising he is being abusive, is determined to address it and works with a professional trained in supporting perpetrators of abuse. Please contact a local domestic abuse charity for one to one support or approach your local children’s centre. The local children’s centre should run courses called freedom or you and me mum which will help you better understand what has been happening, get emotional support from others who have similar experiences and teach you all about the short and long term damage this will be doing to your child. You both deserve better. I hope you find the courage to leave.

Two options here

1. He can control it but is choosing not to = he's an abusive cunt who vents his anger onto a small child

1. He cannot control it = he is a danger to you

Either way your child is being traumatised by this.

He needs to leave. Immediately.

Because he’s a controlling arse! An ex of mine was just like him. It started with hitting things, then I became the punch bag! We too were young parents & he just couldn’t handle the responsibility. He treated me like crap, but didn’t want to let me go. I was so happy when I finally escaped him. There’s a much better life waiting for you, I promise! Please don’t put your child through anymore of this. He won’t change.

OP. I see this so many times when a man is being, quite frankly, a dick. They pull out the mental health card and say that if their wife leaves them if will make them spiral so it’s up to them to stick by them whilst they work through things. 99% of the time they’re acting like this because they’re doing something wrong - affair, debt, addiction.

Please think of your little DC. Yes your DH matters but your DC cannot advocate for himself and therefore you must protect him.

Id temporarily move out and give DP a taste of what “real freedom” looks like.

Our dc has started shouting a lot more now and becoming hysterical and I know its because they are witnessing dp's behaviour.

On this alone I’d be telling DP to leave. Your poor child is confused and disturbed already.
Id also be questioning drug use and gambling.

I was a very young parent ( teen) DH was 21. Our marriage didn’t survive but we never yelled or even argued in front of the dc.

You and your precious little girl do not deserve to be living like this. However much you love him, you need to prioritize her first because she can’t help herself.

There’s a limited series called “Maid” on Netflix about a woman in nearly your exact same situation. She’s the mother of a little girl, and while her partner doesn’t hit her, he’s explosively angry and hits objects. The social worker and other professionals she sees tell her that her partner is being abusive, even though he’s not hitting anyone. It’s based on a true story.

Time to leave OP abs don’t tell untill You have your plan in place and are ready for more manipulation or he will keep you there again.
Your son and you need to come first, all he does os think of himself .

@Snowdogsmitten thats exactly what my ex did pull the mental health card, came out he was shagging around whilst away at work trips after gaslighting me for years that I was jealous and crazy.

He still as abusive years later as I said earlier but not in the same physical space.

Why don’t these sort of men just move on a treat the children’s mother like a colleague at worst.

Its so damaging for the children.

OP leave before you are ground down and exhausted trying to fix the unfixable.

Why did he want to be a father, what did he think it was going to be like?

Hmm well I think if there was another woman you'd see him going out a lot more and he'd be happy if you said you wanted to split up. I wonder if it is debt and that's why he is desperate for you to stay with him, because that's his financial security blanket? Might he be gambling?

Would you be able to (safely) say "Unless I see your bank accounts, I'm going to take the baby and go. Something is going on and I need to know why. You made a fool out of me before and I helped you get out of debt. Either you give me this chance now or I'm off."

Your husband is having a whale of a time snd yoh arecdnavling his cuntish behaviour.

So he's having therapy. Woop de doodle doo.

Who gives a fuck?

Kick him out and call the cops on him. This is classic abusive behaviour. If he can control himsrlf at work then he can control himself at home. Or in the supermarket or gym or wherever because HE is in charge of his own behaviour.

Not you. You are not the doctor and you cannot make this better.

If you are working tell HR and explain the situation. Ask for compassionate leave and they will provide it.

Make an imptomptu visit to your mum. She's your mum and will put you and the kids up until that restraining order kicks in.

Believe me when I say that the level of violence is going to continue to escalate ending in you and/ or the kids being dead.

Help is out there. Take it.

Do a credit check. I think that if you live together your finances are linked and it might show his records ? Someone with more knowledge might be able to confirm this.

This. You need to get on board with this point of view: don’t waste time trying to analyse him. Tell him straight what has to stop. Make sure you follow through with the consequences if he doesn’t. He’s taking the proverbial because he isn’t taking you seriously.

He got into debt and still won’t be transparent with his finances. That’s bad enough on its own.

Sadly, I don’t think your dp is hiding anything. It’s in full view that he’s a dick and you and your little girl are his punchbags. Sorry. I think this is where female conditioning gets us. We are trained to care about others, even at our own expense. Tell him to step up or shove off.

Yes, agreed. He needs to know that his shouty behaviour stops now or he can go and live at work if he loves it that much.

You need to safeguard your child, not worry about his feelings.

. But he said he doesn't think me leaving with dc will help him and if anything it will have the opposite effect and unmotivate him.

So the fact that his partner and small child are scared of him isn't motivation enough to make him stop abusing you.

Really think about that OP, How little he actually cares about you and your child.

If i knew my mental health was that bad that i was having violent outbursts at home i would want them out of the way as i would be terrified of my child seeing me like that, not put my own needs before their safety

You are still allowed to leave people even when they are "getting help" you know its not a get out clause for their piss poor behaviour

Given your ages, I would say something or someone has thrown his life into stark contrast. He feels he should have had more of a life before settling down and having kids.

Whenever I talk to him about doing anything nice for dc its always met with a groan and not wanting to.

What about just you and him alone without dc?

This!

He’s an abuser pure and simple. You are correct, he wouldn’t do this to a man.
You say he enjoys his job and loves his boss, yet his boss takes the piss. Could this be part of it, he won’t stand up to his boss so he deflects his anger at him onto you?
You don’t need his permission to leave. His actions are already affecting your child.

I'm changing my mind - previously I said I'd ask to see his bank accounts and if he said no, I'd go. Now I know I'd go anyway. The thing is to stay safe, OP. Do you have somewhere you can go to? Do you work?

Try Restored -advice for women in your circumstance or Womans Aid. Its helpful to see your options and support whilst going through this. Don't go through it alone. xx Trust your gut.. women know.