To think my dp is hiding something

[Bakermama]

The past 3 months or so dp has become increasingly angry. He is having outburts where he shouts at me and dc, hits objects and slams doors. According to dp he is feeling very unstable and can't pin point as to the reason why.

After a long talk it came to light that he is finding home life overwhelming. I told dp it feels like he has a lot of disdain and resentment for his life right now and we are all his punching bags. I can't work out if its being a dad, or being with me but the only thing he talks positively off is his job. Im trying my hardest to not take it personally but its hard. Dp said he is begrudging coming home and not having any time to himself. Dc is 2 going on 3 and although we have both expressed frustration in wanting more free time we both concluded we knew this was only temporary and that things will get better. So this sudden relapse has thrown me and although I agree I would like more time to consider me I would never take that out on the people or furniture around me.

Im starting not enjoy dps company. Whenever I talk to him about doing anything nice for dc its always met with a groan and not wanting to. So I just end up taking dc on my own. I can't help but feel like there is something deeper to this. My mind has been racing to things like cheating, maybe he is gay, maybe he just wants to go drinking with his friends ( he had a bad unhealthy lifestyle before dc).

Meanwhile my needs in our relationship are not being met. I feel like im having to put our relationship on hold. Dp disputes he isn't mentally okay right now and I shouldn't leave him because he is down. But we have been together for 6 years and there is always a reason as to why he can never meet my needs and work to put more effort in our relationship.

Im so tired of this. Last time I had a gut instinct he was hiding something it turned out to be true ( it was debt) so I would feel foolish to ignore myself now. Could really use some advice here. Thanks.

You don't exist to be his motivation. You're a person too and he isn't treating you like that. He's in his own story where you're this supporting character. Fuck that. If you want to take a break and move out, make the arrangements. You're not doing it to help him. You have to put yourself and your DC first because he's not doing that and he's making things worse for all of you with his erratic, selfish and frankly unacceptable behaviour.

What is your housing situation and do you work?

Your child living in this hostile, volatile environment will be having a huge negative impact on their emotional development. If your child was of school age and told a teacher what they where experiencing, a safeguarding referral would be made. You have seen how this is affecting your child but seem to be focusing of your partner's wants and wishes. Please do what's best for you and your child.

I suggested me moving out since we seem to be the root cause of his misery right now. He can then have time for himself and gets to have a break and maybe a kick up the behind. But he said he doesn't think me leaving with dc will help him and if anything it will have the opposite effect and unmotivate him

I missed this absolute gem.

Ignore my last post you are wasting your time with this man.

he can’t lead and won’t be driven.

Move out, make your future plans and don’t involve him in them.
he has an excuse for everything…

He’s a pretty rubbish dad and has made it quite clear that he has no interest in being a good parent, at least in the short to medium term.

I think you need to focus on yourself and what you want from your future. If that is an equal partner and someone who will parent with you and take part in family life with you, then it’s unlikely to be him. Do you want more children?

You keep saying that you’re not making him happy. Start thinking about what would make you and your DD happy!

First off, you don't need to be gay, be hiding anything or have MH problems to hate your life as the parent of a toddler in your mid 20s. I imagine there's few young men his age who would love a routine of work, domestics and family time when compared with fun and freedom. Given your partner particularly loved that life, its not remotely surprising he's unhappy. However, if he were a decent man, the sort of good father and partner material you need, he'd take responsibility for the path he's chosen and get his head down and walk it with stoicism and minimal complaint. Instead he's making you the victim of his regrets about his choices.
I'm not optimistic this will change OP. Life will obviously get easier as DC gets older and you'll both have more freedom. But it doesn't look like he's prepared to wait and do his bit in the meantime. If I were you I'd be preparing myself that your relationship will end. Either he will leave you, or you will him. You'd be better if it were the second as it's on your terms.

Why are you prioritising him and what will help him? His temper is out of control. Your child is in danger. You are in danger. Your child is picking up his angry behaviour and replicating it. At what point are you going to start putting the safety of your child first? When your partner physically hurts your child? Is that the trigger point?

"You've done too much
Much too young
Now you're married with a kid
When you could be having fun with me"

In the name of God, woman: LEAVE THIS MAN!

Regardless on whether he is hiding something or not, do you want to continue the relationship. If the answer is no, then the relationship has come to an end. Relationships are only possible between 2 willing parties, if one person wants out, it's over.
You are not responsible for his wellbeing or actions. Any guilt trips about how it will be worse for him if you leave, etc.. should not be entertained. You and your daughter are not therapeutic tolls for him, do not have to make things better or easier for him.
He says he can't help it/ sees red, bullshit. He can clearly behave appropriately at work and other places, he can control himself at home. He is choosing to behave this way, choosing to bottle up his frustrations and anger and to let them explode with shouting and slamming doors all over you and your daughter.
Do not stay with this man out of fear, obligation or guilt.
Prioritise a safe and healthy environment for yourself and your daughter. Neither of you deserve to be treated this way.

He is probably having an affair. Most men do at some point in their lives.

You need to stop worrying about him and what would be best for him and start thinking and doing what is best for DC. You already admit DC is being affected by his behaviour. At what point do you take that seriously and step and back and realise you are allowing DC to be abused to the point it is changing how they behave?

Stop putting a man before your child.

Agree with @NotMyDayJob.

Your child and you deserve to live in a fear free home.

Why are you giving him all the power in the relationship? You can leave even if that's not what he wants.

Please get out, it will only get worse.

Look you are doing the best you can. He has checked out but still proses a risk of violence and anger unprovoked.

why should this be about him. You are so focused on him, his needs, what makes him miserable and so on.

what about you ? What about your children. You are unhappy, you and DC are at risk and you still consider his view re leaving in motivating him as even relevant .

treat yourself with the respect and love you deserve. Leave him and go and build a new life with your wonderful DC and know you did everything you could for a man who who clearly acts like the world revolves around him and his moods!

You do not exist to fix this or any man.

He’s using you as an emotional punchbag and it may very well turn physical. He’s already gaslit you into thinking he has the right to have his current temper tantrums until he ‘works himself out’. He does not. You don’t owe him a ‘safe place’ to have outbursts, and your child is certainly owed more than to be collateral damage for said outbursts.

Do both of you get a bit of time to yourself, go for a drink with a friend, or go to the gym etc? It’s relentless at that age and it’s important to have a bit of your own time so you can feel like you and not just a parent. Can you get a babysitter and go for dinner together just the two of you?

I read this and wondered whether you were my sister, until I got to the part where you say your parents eventually divorced. My childhood was the same as yours, but they stayed together. Their retirement was miserable. Still to this day, I hate people shouting. My Dad's rages were awful : throwing plates/glasses, punching walls, threatening to throw my Mum out of the window etc. He often did this in front of visitors if he was pissed.

My Mum is dead now, and my Dad is heavily reliant on his kids, and I still harbour some resentment. He's very old and frail, but you just don't forget......

For this reason Op, I really would consider leaving him. It will be hell for your child. Me and my sister were often terrified.

This thing about his boss rang some alarm bells with me. Loves his boss, even though he isn't treated well at work? Why? What is his job? Is he doing a lot of overtime? If so, could he maybe be doing something dodgy other than overtime?

He stays because he wants someone to have a go at and to direct his unhappiness and also to blame for why he isn't doing whatever it is he thinks he ought to be doing at his age.

I suggested me moving out since we seem to be the root cause of his misery right now. He can then have time for himself and gets to have a break and maybe a kick up the behind. But he said he doesn't think me leaving with dc will help him and if anything it will have the opposite effect and unmotivate him.

OMG - it's not all about him. Tell him that you are moving out because it will be better for you and your child - he can sort himself out.

Gambling is a common culprit.

I expect he doesn't want you to leave with your child because then all his reasons for being angry at home would also disappear. No longer it's because you don't show enough affection, don't clean the house enough, the baby is too noisy/messy, doesn't sleep through. Instead, with you both gone, it's just him and whatever is causing his anger. You and the baby are no longer an easy blame.

I would leave and get some time/space for him to work through his issues and be safe to be around. You should absolutely be able to bring up any topic with your partner without fear of attack (physical or verbal).

Probably doesn’t even go for counselling using arse excuses to treat you and your child like crap

I suspect that you are looking for a reason why he is like this when it is just a side of his personality that was previously hidden.
My dad was like that (moody and easily flew into a temper) and my mum said that he was very sweet for the first few years of the marriage.

Interesting that one of your first thoughts was that he might be gay. Anything in particular about his behaviour around men that lead you down that train of thought?

He doesn't seem to have any motivation anyway so it's a useless excuse.

Stop using leaving as a threat unless you're going to follow through. Are you actually in a position to. If so, start getting yourself organised.

Sounds like my ex, verbally, emotionally, financially and to some degree physically abusive - smash stuff and throw stuff at me.

hes still an abuse arse but thankfully from far away.

Even if he does improve he’s shown you what he’s capable of so I would leave no before you’re too trapped and wasted any more time on this pathetic excuse for a man