To think my dp is hiding something

[Bakermama]

The past 3 months or so dp has become increasingly angry. He is having outburts where he shouts at me and dc, hits objects and slams doors. According to dp he is feeling very unstable and can't pin point as to the reason why.

After a long talk it came to light that he is finding home life overwhelming. I told dp it feels like he has a lot of disdain and resentment for his life right now and we are all his punching bags. I can't work out if its being a dad, or being with me but the only thing he talks positively off is his job. Im trying my hardest to not take it personally but its hard. Dp said he is begrudging coming home and not having any time to himself. Dc is 2 going on 3 and although we have both expressed frustration in wanting more free time we both concluded we knew this was only temporary and that things will get better. So this sudden relapse has thrown me and although I agree I would like more time to consider me I would never take that out on the people or furniture around me.

Im starting not enjoy dps company. Whenever I talk to him about doing anything nice for dc its always met with a groan and not wanting to. So I just end up taking dc on my own. I can't help but feel like there is something deeper to this. My mind has been racing to things like cheating, maybe he is gay, maybe he just wants to go drinking with his friends ( he had a bad unhealthy lifestyle before dc).

Meanwhile my needs in our relationship are not being met. I feel like im having to put our relationship on hold. Dp disputes he isn't mentally okay right now and I shouldn't leave him because he is down. But we have been together for 6 years and there is always a reason as to why he can never meet my needs and work to put more effort in our relationship.

Im so tired of this. Last time I had a gut instinct he was hiding something it turned out to be true ( it was debt) so I would feel foolish to ignore myself now. Could really use some advice here. Thanks.

be only concerned for them at this stage op

being a young parent is irrelevant and not an excuse for passivity

After your most recent update - please kick him out as soon as you can. Your Dc are already affected by it. They’re being abused.

He hasn’t been sacked so he’s able to control himself at work.

I'm sorry you are going through this, life right now doesn't sound great for you or for your child who will be picking up on his Dad's behavior. If there is somewhere that your partner could move out to i.e. his parents or a siblings then that may be the way forward for now whilst he gets his mental health and debt issues under control, this would give you the chance to think through your relationship and whether you want things to continue should your partner change and become the positive person he once was ?
Alternatively if you can move out with your child then I personally would do this, it doesn't need to be the end of the relationship but having a break from each other could either benefit you both or allow one or both of you to realise that the relationship is not working and you would be better off ending it, hard I know but life is for living not walking around on eggshells or being miserable and lonely. Lots of luck.

Personally I would have a chat with him and ask him to choose if he wants to be single with single life or a father and partner who has family. Him using 'but I am doing therapy' to justify his behaviour is just not good enough and f it keeps dragging on.

Have you come here for permission to leave him?

You don't need it. You do NOT have to suffer his aggressive outbursts. You are allowed to leave. Or ask him to go.

It would be the best thing for your child too.

Does he have violent outbursts at work? Or does he save it for you and your toddler?

@Olika I suggested me moving out since we seem to be the root cause of his misery right now. He can then have time for himself and gets to have a break and maybe a kick up the behind. But he said he doesn't think me leaving with dc will help him and if anything it will have the opposite effect and unmotivate him.

Just saw your updates. He needs to move out if he isn't willing/able to cut this crap out now.

@GabriellaMontez of course he doesn't have them at work. But as I said in my op work seems to be the only thing he deems positive. He loves his boss, talks about him all the time. And when he has been suggested to look for anothee job since his boss takes the piss (thats another story) he gets really defensive about him.

He wouldn't dare show this side to another man. He saves it for me and his dd.

Just read your response. I understand what he is saying but it's simply not just about him. It's about your DC as a priority. You cannot keep DC being subjected to his behaviour.

’he said he doesn't think me leaving with dc will help him and if anything it will have the opposite effect and unmotivate him.’

How about what would help you. He is responsible for his own behaviour. What would be best for you and your DC?

As other posters have said, I’d check for the main things first, debt being a massive one. Gambling is an awful addiction and it’s so easy to get sucked into debt that way.

Beyond that, yes, don’t feel you have to stay with him if you don’t want to.

As a bigger picture idea if you do believe he can/will change and don’t want to leave him, I would say that the best parents are the ones who also get some time to look after themselves. Being young parents with young kids is really difficult, because you do have friends going out every weekend, friends going to festivals etc and I can see where it could cause some resentment. I don’t think it has to be all or nothing though as I say, the best parent is a happy parent who’s own needs are being met. So that could mean allocating a night a week to him and a night a week to yourself, on his night he can to out and drink if he wants to/can afford to, on yours you can do the same or just spend that evening doing something for yourself. Then every other week, have an evening where you focus on your relationship, a date night even if thats phones off and a film on the sofa or a games night etc. Life with young children can be really hard and you do have to consciously choose to prioritise yourself & your relationship otherwise it can easily start to feel like a trap.

Even if he's not hiding anything from you, and actually is just having an episode of mental illness, you should still not have to be with someone who is aggressive and unstable, especially when you have children. I would also be very, very wary of someone who 'hits objects' because in my experience, they are often people who will eventually hit their partners and family too.

He isn't just 'down'. He is shouting at you, his (very young!) children, hitting/breaking things in the house, and has admitted to feeling 'unstable'. Whatever the reason for that, it is not OK for him to expect you to have to live with that behaviour. It's not fair on you and it's harmful for your children. Is he seeking any treatment for his mental health?

'he said he doesn't think me leaving with dc will help him and if anything it will have the opposite effect and unmotivate him.'

Who cares what's best for him??? You need to put you and your DC first

I'm not sure why you're convinced he's hiding something. He just very obviously does not enjoy family life, it makes him miserable.

Your DC is being raised in an abusive environment, stop thinking about what your DP wants and whether he will improve and get your child out of there.

Sorry OP but relationships like this rarely get better. He "finds home life overwhelming" - nah, he is checked out, can't be arsed and is being a self centred dick. He's hiding something, whether it be more debt or an affair/cheating. He doesn't respect you or his child and you will never be able to fully trust him. Realise your worth, realise he is guilt-tripping you into staying with him and get you and DC out of this toxic environment. Time for him to grow up and accept responsibility for himself.

@prettygreenteacup what I dont understand is if that was the case, surely he wouldn't mind me leaving with dc or even going on a break. Why would he wants us around when its clearly making him so miserable

@Bakermama , your DP doesn't have to agree to you leaving, you can make the best decision for you and your DC.

The reason for your DP's behaviour is irrelevant. Do what is best for you.

Because its easy for him to have the family life on paper, not have to think about running a house, cooking, cleaning, all the responsibilities that come with it. Men who want to live as they please whilst having the family on paper will throw out all those lines about being overwhelmed and not coping, meanwhile you're doing everything and pandering to his every whim. He has the control and you need to take some for yourself.

I know people who've lied about attending counselling. They've also used it to exonerate themselves from making an effort at home ('all my emotional energy is going into working the counselling') and to bludgeon people with ('my counsellor says I have to concentrate on me and can't begin to meet other people's needs until I'm right with myself').

Because then his handy maid would be gone

So basically he is an abusive cunt who has created a logic to get away with it? Someone needs to move out. And he isn't to have dc alone imo.

I say it’ll be money based.
Debt or similar

lack of financial transparency is a red flag 🚩

I would have no qualms interrupting the next session and asking the councillor if you can join this session or the next one

and I would 100% want to bring this to a head and address his shithead behaviour sooner rather than later.

my DH was a much milder version of this when I was 4-6m pregnant with our second. dd was 18m…

lots of low level complaints and whining. everything was a huff, sigh or eye roll… he was “tiiiiired” all the time. tasks were being half arsed.

At first I was understanding then I tried talking and I got no where.

it made me feel so resented and like we were such a burden to him…

so i sat him down one night looked him in the eye told him i chose this life and I thought he did too.

But, right now every signal he is sending me says he doesn’t want this he doesn’t chose this life and he doesn’t want to be here.
i told him i was not prepared to carry on like this so either he sorts himself out NOW or he can go and live his best life elsewhere.

And I meant it…. 😬
get on the train or fuck off…I don’t need dead weight.

he was totally shocked.
very defensive and angry then devastated and upset.

it turned out his issue was he was feeling the heat massively on our finances (when I go back off this mat leave over outgoings will be crazy high) and was just getting more and more caught up the anxiety and panic of it.

after that i did some spreadsheets and made him look at the numbers and showed him we will be fine…
we are now back to business as usual…

Bin him, nothing is worth this and the bs about "you can't leave me, my mental health waaaa" is a pile of shite. My mum stayed with my dad, who was exactly as you described your partner, and I hated it. It WRECKED us as kids, always having to stay quiet in case we set him off, always staying out of his way in case we set him off, I wish they had divorced years and years before they finally did. Instead mum stayed "for our sake", when she was actually just helping him to continue his verbal tirades against us by not protecting us from him.

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me. You have to put yourself and your DC first!

Like others, I feel this is probably debt related. Can you remember whether his behaviour was the same when he got into debt previously. If it was, then it would seem that it is again.

I was a in debt (a long time ago now) and the stress of living with it was horrendous. I was pretrified that my Ex would get to the post before me and discover my secret. It was in the 1990's and was only £1,000 but I couldn't sleep or focus on anything else but the weight of the debt. Eventually, it did come out when he opened one of my letters. Huge argument but also huge relief!

Also, weird relationship with his boss. The guy takes the piss but your DP only sees the sun shining from his arse!

Good luck hon!