Are the majority of men assholes?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Firstly I'm not a man hater - I've been married twice and am still married. But increasingly I'm starting to think that the vast majority of men are arseholes or display some kind of arsehole behaviour. Example this morning, but there are lots more.

Swimming at the gym, all lanes empty except the one I'm swimming in. Bloke gets into my lane and does splashy front crawl, almost whacking me in the face with his big meaty arm every time he passes me. So I move lanes, because obvs he's more important than me and should have his favourite lane to himself. 🙄

After my swim I go for a quick jacuzzi - this is a 10 person jacuzzi with three men already in there taking up every available space with their arms stretched across the back of the jacuzzi as far as possible. So I approach thinking one of them will make space for me. Erm no - I have to force myself in and get dirty looks for daring to go into their 'man space.'

Contrast this with the very polite behaviour of MOST of the women who use my gym.

I'm happy to say my DH is in the small minority of men who aren't aresholes (although he's by no means perfect - who is?) But if anything happens to him I will happily remain single and sexless for the rest of my days rather than try to find another decent man. (Also worth saying my first husband was a narcissist and I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire!)

@LoobyDop · Today 10:58

The majority of men were raised to put themselves first. They do that without thinking, it’s ingrained. Women are raised to put other people first and to think they are transgressing if they act in their own best interest.

Yes. 100% this. ^ Men are raised to put themselves first. Women are raised to put everyone else first. Even over and above their own health and welfare.

@Dragonfly97 · Today 10:59

I've certainly noticed this on our local Facebook page; it's 95% men who make stupid/nasty remarks on (mostly ) women's posts. I've seen more arsehole behaviour from men than women. I'm also remaining single if widowed/divorced. DH is a decent bloke so I'm lucky. Met a few arseholes before him though!!

Same here. I seem to have got fairly lucky with DH, but even he can be a bit of a lazy fucker, and has to be asked to do things. And I do 90% of the domestic chores and did 80% of the child-rearing ... Yes I know I have to take some of the blame, but it really was expected by society and by family. And he would not have done it! Also, he is a bit sexist sometimes. ALL men are! Yep, they really are. Some are just more sexist than others.

I don't disagree with you @SweetBirdsong. I didn't mean my comment to imply that I don't believe in the patriarchy, because I do. But I can guarantee this thread will only go one way: posters will rush to say "Not my Nigel" and tell us how wonderful their husbands or sons are.

Are the majority of men arseholes? No, absolutely not, in fact it’s not even close. Some obviously are though but it’s a minority.
Do people inherently tend to remember negative interactions/experiences? Yes and that hugely sways a view.

Once you see male entitlement and actively check yourself when you want to acquiesce it starts to really grate. I love playing patriarchy chicken on the pavements, male confusion when they bump into me because I haven't gotten out of their way is amusing.

Also what gets me is the really softly softly way in which people treat their teenage (nearly adult) DSs on here. Letting them get away with being aggressive, entitled and rude because of their ‘mental health’. Nothing magic will happen on their 18th birthday, all that will happen is they will be aggressive, entitled rude grown men.

Thank you @Dragonfly97

@peachescariad

Top comment so far on this thread 👏

And thank you too.

@Lentilweaver · Today 11:11

I don't disagree with you @SweetBirdsong. I didn't mean my comment to imply that I don't believe in the patriarchy, because I do. But I can guarantee this thread will only go one way: posters will rush to say "Not my Nigel" and tell us how wonderful their husbands or sons are.

LOL yeah, the not my nigel brigade do love to charge onto this type of thread, and the MRAs too. I just ignore them.

I agree with PP saying that people remember negative incidents more readily than positive or neutral ones. If 99 men walk past you in the street giving you plenty of room or stepping into the road or crossing to the other side so they don't inconvenience you, then one arsehole walks really close and bumps you, what do you take away from the experience? Probably that some arsehole bumped into you, not all the people who were considerate.

Generally everyone behaves like an arsehole from time to time, and it's inevitable that occasionally this behaviour is experienced by others.

I try to approach these situations from the point of view of "what could I have done differently" - modify my own behaviour to get the experience I want rather than expect everyone else to magically know what I expect them to do and put my preferences above those of everyone else. In other words, stop being the arsehole myself.

Edit: If you think everyone else is an arsehole, it's probably you.

Yep to this.

Mental health aside, I have seen MANY boys get away with things their sisters don't get away with, for many years - as well as just recently. Housework/ ironing/ shopping forced on the girls whilst the boys played football and lay in bed.

Always happened, especially in families with 3+ children. The girls were always given household chores, (when they were as young as 8,) and the boys did fuck-all, and had waaaay more allowances and a much easier life than the girls. Even when the parents became elderly and infirm, the daughters would be the carers. It was NEVER the sons!

As you say, no wonder some men are so entitled and lazy and sexist when they are allowed to be when they are young boys!

Well, the majority of men are socially conditioned to think that they are more entitled to, well, everything: space (manspreading), be heard (mansplaining and the bias in voice recognition tech towards men), more pay (gender pay gap), being seen (see statistics on screen time in films for women and especially OLDER women), safety (see car testing models - yes, it was only in 2022 that they introduced a female crash test dummy - and design of seatbelts and the huge bias towards men's safety) ...

Like the tit who wanted me to let him - the big important man - in front of me in the supermarket, because he had only 3 items compared to my HUGE amount of 5 items!!!' I said 'no' and turned away - and he stormed off and insulted me. So he wanted me to let him in front, and then got aggressive and abusive when I said no.

This is a common problem at the pool for me. I hate it and it puts me off going. Some ultra competitive women can be bad too.

I saw a thread on here where a 14 year old boy attacked a girl in his year and put her in a headlock. The responses? Ah bless, he has ADHD. It was shocking stuff. If that had happened when I was at school he would’ve taken a beating from another boy or older brother, or at the very least been a social pariah. Nowadays boys attacking their mums and female classmates seems to be fine and acceptable as long as there’s a ‘mental health issue’ at play. If we think the current lot are bad, we ain’t seen nothing yet.

Yep, this! ^

Yes the whole "boys will be boys!" catchall for arseholery starter pack.

I had a young male Dr mis-diagnose me and discharge me after waiting patiently at A&E for over 16hrs for a CAT scan last week after being sent in by 111. This week I'm back in with severe pain and see a female Dr who orders the CAT scan. Low and behold they immediately find the issue, a huge life threatening one that could have been discovered last week saving me so much pain and worry. My discharge notes from him had me down as effectively having phantom pain. It just shows me yet again men don't take women seriously. If I had been one of the men in A&E actively crying out in pain and shouting about how slow everything was no doubt he would have sent me for a scan. We're conditioned to take up minimal space and it can seriously affect the care we receive.

There are asshole men, women, trans and non binary but on the whole I find men win the top prize for the most frequent vile and unkind behaviour/comments.

And the guy in the car park over the weekend. I went past 3 spaces my car was too big for, leaving them for those behind me with smaller cars. Stopped to wait for a family with a baby to put the buggy in the boot etc, max 3 mins, and some a-hole comes up to my window and asks what I am doing. I point to the space and he shrugs and points upwards (I think suggesting I keep going up to find another space)! I mean really? I'll choose my own space thank you!

The majority of men are lovely sane as the majority of women

Just don't let arseholes and their friends into your

It's true @tweedlledum women are not taken seriously at all. As I said in my long post earlier, my DH is ALWAYS prioritized over and above me for medical shit.

If men were the baby carriers, every birth would be c-section!

Women only feel able to do that in groups though. Men do that individually and in groups. Men are born with a tendency to be bloody selfish, and society forgives that far more easily than it forgives it in women.

Trans and non binary are still men and women

I think it's 50/50. I think men are more physically annoying like your jacuzzi incident or spreading legs so widely they encroach on others' personal space, but women are more verbally arsehole-like.

As opposed to men who go where?
Running outdoors?
The cinema?
Football?
Dogging?
What a weird statement.

I think it's probably more like a large minority who are actually arseholes, but the vast majority of men put themselves first and take up more than their share of space, for reasons discussed above. They've been socialised to do it their whole lives and just aren't even aware it's happening.

My 99.9% lovely DH, for example, who is considerate and generous and will frequently put himself out for other people, will often do annoying things like sort himself out with a drink at mealtimes without getting one for the rest of the family. He's embarrassed when I point it out, but he just does it automatically (whereas I will automatically make sure everyone else is sorted before I do something for myself). Patriarchy innit.

I’d agree that most people are arseholes, but men are conditioned to have the self-confidence and self-importance not to hide their dickheaded-ness in social situations. They’re also conditioned, in general, by society, to think they’re superior to women and have the right to bully them into submission.

Genuinely intelligent / self aware and decent men can rise above that, of course - not all men 🙄 - but many fail to do so. And those that are arseholes do not like it when women stand up to them. It’s one of my favourite hobbies, when I meet one in the wild…

I think when it comes to relationships, though, it’s probably a “pick your preferred arsehole” adventure. People aren’t perfect and what is an insufferable arsehole to someone might be tolerable, even ideal to another. And I should be clear I mean standard obnoxious / irritating behaviours here, rather than anything abusive -obviously there’s no right partner for an abusive man (or woman).

I think that it doesn't do any good for anybody-including men- to pretend that the way boys and men are socialised tends to make them more likely to be selfish and entitled. We're talking class analysis here, we're not talking about individuals. It's something we need to address. Particularly the non asshole men!