to be surprised by mother wanting to accompany child to a play date

[Whereisthesunny]

invited a 6 year old friends for a play date and it wasn’t until my son said today it won’t be a real play date as his friends mum was coming too so txt her to ask what she is picking up and it turns out she is planning on coming which i get but also feel bad as now it makes things so much complicated i have 3 other children at home plus will have. to cook tea for them. its not that i feel that she is unreasonable by coming along with child but it makes me worry realising that having 3 others in the house including teenagers it will be a bit awkward and complicated for me . Plus the child is scared of dogs so ill have another job trying to keep the dog away too.

@Tryingandfailingagain it is the mum visiting who wants the dog out. I have already said to OP she should say no.

Had I been the Mum, I would have messaged you to make sure it was okay that I stayed, not have considered it a given. Probably just me, but I think it's kind of rude to assume.

My DC have SEN and DC number 2 can be a tad challenging (mainly due to high anxiety related to her Neurodivergence), so any parties or play dates, I check in with parents/carers to a) give an heads up (although, most of my DC's friends have SEN!) and we adapt as we go along.

Am so bloody glad that my children were so excited about going to a friends house they didn’t worry about anything. They were just annoyed when I came to collect them 🤷‍♀️

Just from the point of view of the child. My mother wouldn’t have accompanied us at all at that age, to friends houses or out playing. We had such independence. It was very important to me. It’s different nowadays, but not better IMO.

I have a SEN child aged 10 that I would never leave alone on a play date, or leave to be unsupervised in play. Depending on the level of SEN, but often it is quite important to have a guardian / carer who really knows them well, knows situations that might trigger stuff.

Well I know very well about safeguarding and about the risks that go on in this world. I deal with it day in day out. Stuff most people would recoil at or struggle to believe. I still send my 6 year old to play dates alone. I have had dc as young as 3 round here alone for play dates. I recently picked up four 5 year olds from school, walked them home and made them all tea at mine. Parents picked up later and no one batted an eye when I suggested it.
I have an older child and was the same way with her. People have taken my dc on days out before without me.
We must be pretty laid back round here because this is the norm.

Hi @Whereisthesunny couldn’t you just text the mum and say “if you’d rather your DS just come on this first play date until 5pm and not stay for tea, that’s totally fine.”

You can say you don’t want him to feel overwhelmed on his first play date and then just have her in for a cuppa and a bit of cake and catch up chat whilst the boys play for an hour or so.

Oh gosh, OP, I feel your pain. I'd be running around cleaning too. I've actually had that once ( was pregnant with 3rd but let oldest ( 7yo then) invite a friend over after school. PIcked them both up. All was going well, even though house was a tip, and then the mother barged in the back door ( was a corner block and she used the back gate) . SO I didn't get a chance to stop her at the front door. SHe proceeded to tell everyone at school how messy my house was. Cow. Scarred for life .
I also had a woman stay for an hour with her 12yo!!

You could try greeting her at the front door and saying, "lovely to see you again, they'll be fine, see you at 6 "or whatever. I am so glad I am finished with bloody playdates.

My first child is almost 6 and I’d probably need the other parent to be explicit in their invite and say whether or not it’s a playdate just for DD or if the invite is extended to me too. It’s all new to me and having worked full time I’ve not had the opportunity to host play dates with kids whose parents I don’t know well. I’d ask though and check their expectations and preference. I’d have no qualms about sending DD off to someone else’s house though and she’d have no issues going. She’s pretty good, apart from extremely fussy eating but I’d warn them….

Some of my DDs friends in year 1 are still too immature and too much of a handful for me to consider to inviting them for play dates just yet!

As a parent of a child who is unable to go on play dates on her own (age 5), I would hate to be coming too. But I would do it for my daughter. My child being unable to go to play dates without me really inhibits opportunities to build friendships and It's a regular source of sadness for me.

6 is still very young.
As the PP said there are teens on the house, maybe their friends?
I wouldn't leaving my DS unless I knew the mum and family really well.
If you don't know her well or this is the first play date, I would expect a parent to stay.
What's the harm? You can get to know them.

YANBU

I never once accompanied any of my children on a playdate and parents never accompanied their children when they played at my home.

It's bizarre.

I guess this must be one of those situations where it depends where you live.

My youngest is 6. If he had a friend over to play he’s still at the age where I would assume the parents would come the first couple of times.

He has adhd and people would describe him as “a bit of a handful”. I wouldn’t send him on a play date without me except to his best friends house whose mum is lovely, and used to managing his behaviour.

I don’t know if it helps but I’ve been to some houses which are spotless, some which aren’t, some mums who chat the whole time and some who get on with cooking the tea etc. none of that matters- just make her a cuppa and sit her down at the table.

I've never heard or had a parent accompany a play date at my house or other parents houses.

You addressed your question to another poster, but in my case, no parent ever stayed for a playdate at any age. The time for chatting and bonding is outside the school or at an event to which you specifically invite the parents and children, like a BBQ in your garden.

I'd prefer them not to come too. It's an added pressure.

I'm guessing her kid has Sen/anxiety/behaviour issues and she wants to manage the situation.

I'd plonk her at kitchen table and chat while you cook. Is she stopping for tea??

I wouldn't have my 6yo in someone else's house unsupervised tbh. Regardless of how long you've known them. I would never let my children have a sleepover either though but that's down to both personal experience and listening to others at the support group I go to. There are so many predatory people out there so I'd want to reduce any risks as faras possible.

Message and say you have a few jobs to do so you’re hoping they’ll be good company for each other while you crack on.

Well, yes they can. And it happens all the time, much you might disapprove!! 🥂

This must be new. Because pp's are saying it's now the norm to attend in a first play date. But that seems a shame to me. Are we talking 6 as in year 1?

I think 6 is a borderline age for parents coming too. I’d be fine with a parent coming, but I know what you mean.

Maybe they’ll be lovely and you’ll all have a nice time? You can cook while chatting surely! I’ve done this plenty of times!

I don’t think she’ll expect to be fed.

i guess the issue isn’t that she is coming it’s more that i have a busy household and of course i would keep an eye on them but if i’d know she was planning i would have organised a play date perhaps during a half term when the older ones are out. Our house isn’t huge in fact the 6 year old shares a room with a 10 year old so the 10 year will be in there probably gaming and it’s absolutely fine having 2 6 year old playing in the room too but not if the mother wants to stand there supervising them. it would make things awkward for my 10 year old

Why not rearrange for half term in that case?

An unexpected work thing has come up / etc etc?

She might see you as a potential mum friend and extending her social circle? I always became good friends with my dc's friend's parents, to the extent that we would socialise with some of them separately from the children. It would be quite normal for the parent to sit and have a drink and a gossip whilst their dc played upstairs.

I'd stay with a 6 year old, especially with a dog in the house. We don't 'drop and go' type playdates or birthday parties until around 7-8.

I'd be quite surprised by a parent dropping off their kid at that age. It would be fine with me but I'd have expected them to stay.