to be surprised by mother wanting to accompany child to a play date

[Whereisthesunny]

invited a 6 year old friends for a play date and it wasn’t until my son said today it won’t be a real play date as his friends mum was coming too so txt her to ask what she is picking up and it turns out she is planning on coming which i get but also feel bad as now it makes things so much complicated i have 3 other children at home plus will have. to cook tea for them. its not that i feel that she is unreasonable by coming along with child but it makes me worry realising that having 3 others in the house including teenagers it will be a bit awkward and complicated for me . Plus the child is scared of dogs so ill have another job trying to keep the dog away too.

@SilkFloss
I invited a 6 year old for a play date. Mum came too and barely spoke any English. It was hard going!

@GintyMcGinty I guess I don't see having a cup of tea with another mum as a huge chore, especially if our kids are friends. Isn't it nicer to find some common ground and perhaps become friends yourselves? I don't see my children's and my own social lives as totally separate. Anyway, I'd assume it would only be for a couple of hours rather than a whole afternoon.

I would not agree to have the dog loose around a nervous child. It is a recipe for disaster. I would lock the dog in another room.
A nervous but boistrous 6 year old can not be trusted to behave appropriately around a dog.

@PollyPeep

Honestly I wouldn't invite the child if i thought I had to have the parent too.

It's never happened though. Thankfully.

I was wondering this too. I have a 5yo and at playdates we just keep and ear out and pop our head in if it gets too loud or too quiet. They're not supervised constantly like toddlers.

Once they are 12 you will be glad you got to know the parents when you had the chance!

YABU

I always accompanied my children on playdates, then had a cuppa and a natter with the mum, I would have thought it rude to just drop and go. But I always knew the mum so it wasn't weird.

One of them had let her young child go unaccompanied to the neighbour's, and was then sexually assaulted by the other child she was playing with, turns out she was being sexually abused by her grand dad.

It's just not worth the risk.

Fair enough at 6, but did you not have the parents when they were younger? In DC's class the norm seems to be that the parent stayed for the first time in P1 (so ages 4 & 5) and then after that it would be a drop off unless the parents were friendly. I enjoyed many a long chat over tea and biscuits that year! Bit different for us as DC has epipens due to a food allergy so we can only leave her if the parent is comfortable with that. But even to an introvert like me the vast majority of people are nice enough to chat to for an afternoon, especially when you have plenty of common ground to cover with the kids, school etc.

i think it’s weird. My kids are older but I would never have expected a parent to stay unless it was a close friend I wanted to hang out with. I might have asked them in for a polite cuppa but then would have wanted them to leave! It would have been the last thing I wanted, having to entertain a random adult when I had stuff to do. There was never an expectation that I would stay at someone else’s either. A 6 year old doesn’t need a parent at a friend’s house.

@GintyMcGinty Interesting that you have no interest in getting to know your child's friends parents. This is so alien to me! Wouldn't it just make your life easier? I'd be so much more open to leaving my child at a second playdate if I was friendly with the parents, and honestly it's just nicer for everyone. I'm facing this currently. I want to make connections at my child's new school but everyone is so closed off, not even open to a smile or a wave at drop off, and it's been months now! I genuinely don't know how to make mum friends and I wonder if lots of people think like you - can't be arsed with a bit of friendliness.

@ColleenDonaghy when they were younger play dates were made based on the parents i liked. By 6 though children want play dates with their friends. Just because your 6 year old is friends with another child, does not mean you will get on with their parent socially.

@PollyPeep I was never interested in making mum friends, only friends.

@altoner you know what I mean, mums are people too 😂 It's similar to saying work friends or rugby club friends or..whatever. Shorthand for people who are currently sharing similar experiences.

She’s worried about your dog. And possibly your teens. And definitely her son getting over excited.

If it all goes well next time she might be happy to leave him.

After a nightmare of a play date with one of the children from DS’s year when they were 5 I was worried about DS’s behaviour if I wasn’t there.
The child was dropped of at my house and proceeded to empty all of DS’s toys onto a huge heap in his room and I mean every toy he possessed. He then started to empty my kitchen cupboards in the same fashion, fortunately I found him before he broke anything of anything of any value. He broke the TV remote and I had to lock the dog in a room because he wouldn’t leave her alone. I basically had to follow him round the house, he wasn’t interested in playing with DS at all.
As a result I because anxious that maybe my DS would behave like this. Fortunately he didn’t and after a couple of play dates with me in attendance I was more relaxed.

Fortunately the other mums were understanding since a couple of them had also experienced this child’s behaviour. I was lucky apparently, on o e play date he had gone into the Mums en-suite and empty every bottle of soap, cream and perfume onto the carpet. She didn’t realise until he had gone and was too embarrassed to tell the mum.

I think everyone who hosted him had a story and play date invites for him dried up.

So yes, I can understand why someone may want to accompany their child on a play date.

@PollyPeep

I didn't say I don't know them.
I didn't say I wasn't friendly.
I didn't say I don't smile at people.
And I can be 'arsed' to be nice.

I said I didn't expect to have to entertain them for an afternoon just because I invited their child round.

But I don't 'need' mum friends. I've got plenty of friends and some of them are mums. Just because women have children that are friends with each other doesn't mean they have anything in common.

If you want friends then I'd suggest a hobby, volunteering or a job where you can meet like minded people with similar interests.

Plus the child is scared of dogs so ill have another job trying to keep the dog away too.

How does the mother being there change this? Surely you'd keep the dog away if the mother wasn't there?

They're looking after 6 year olds, they can't be drinking wine 🙄

How badly do you react to wine? I've had a glass or two at playdates or parties before that were walking distance from home (or indeed, at home) and felt fully capable of supervising the 5yos.

I understand that a parent hanging around changes the dynamic of a playdate, but why does it change who you have to cook tea for or anything at all about the dog?

Yeah I'd feel this as an annoyance too.

I've had parents stay but they have always asked when replying to the invitation. It's odd and a bit presumptuous to accept without mentioning that they were planning to come along. There are lots of reasons why she might want to come, but no good reason for her to not mention it and let you find out from your child.

She's a pain in the tits. It's also rude that you had to find out she was coming from your wee boy!

I've had it happen before. The worst one was a very nice but extremely chatty mum who stayed for six hours. I'd struggle to chat to a great friend for that long. It was just awful. I don't know why she stayed so long and I couldn't think of a way to end it short of saying 'time's up' (which I obviously didn't say).

At that age, its better to meet in a local park where you can sit and have a coffee or two, walk a little to different areas of the park and leave.

Hmm would be a bit unusual. However, in our area, play dates unfortunately aren’t really a thing at all, sadly.

The dog- you need to put him away. Garden, utility room, crate, kennel, whichever. Not fair in the slightest if a child is afraid of dogs. The dog won’t be traumatised lying sleeping in a utility room for a couple of hours.
I say this as both a parent and a dog owner.

So now the playdate has turned into a therapy session as well.