how much does your child actually cost you? Please help me :(

[AbelMary]

I want to leave DP. He earns 75k with prospects of it going much higher, perhaps to 140k eventually, maybe 100k in next 4 years etc. We have a two year old.

I am well aware that cms is shit and can’t rely on it. I only add in his circumstances for context. It’s me who wants to leave and he will absolutely put me through cms if that happens, he generally does the right thing but he won’t make any of it easy given I will be causing the break up. Dd will live with me, he won’t argue that one as he does barely anything as it is and is completely work obsessed.

my question is… am I making a huge mistake financially? I earn 68k but I am always worried about my job as my mental health is up and down. I’ve always maintained my job but if I was a single parent I would be alone paying mortgage and bills etc.

I am v lucky that I own a 3 bed detached with a 50% mortgage on it that I rent out while living with DP. I intend to move back to that.

My worry is that I am not really understanding how much a child costs. DP would pay 780 based on the cms calculator and when I confirmed all this in a friend she said that won’t go far when she hits school…. Is this right? I am too embarrassed to ask more about what she meant as I wonder if I am completely deluded about child costs? I have been looking up costs of dancing classes and swimming lessons etc and done a budget plan and the costs are a lot. How much do you spend overall for a 5 year old, 10 year old, 15 year old etc etc? Am I crazy for considering this on a financial level given cms is never guaranteed? I would hope he would do the right thing but I don’t want to separate in that hope, I need to be realistic that I could fully be on my own financially. Can anyone help?

Single mum here to a 5 year old, full time monthly wage (think around the 2k mark) with 180 monthly child maintenance, I manage just fine, children are expensive but dependant on your outgoings, any debt, disposable income etc I would say you’re going to be fine. 😊

@HariboFantastics thank you that is massively reassuring. I don’t want to stay with him just for financial reasons but I also don’t want dd to suffer so I am trying to balance everything. Thank you

You’ll be fine. You’ll be entitled to a fair amount of cms and you are a high earner yourself with only a 50% mortgage on your home. I really think you’ll be fine.

kids start costing in their teens. You’ve got about 10 years before they want the designer clothes and trips out with their mates. I think you’d be fine even if your kid was a teen now.

You earn £68K, you only have a 50% mortgage, and he'll be due to pay £780 a month CMS? With the greatest of respect I think you'll be ok! When I was in your position I did a spreadsheet, basic income vs outcome to see how it would work out, have you done that? Also remember that as your child gets older, you'll be likely earning more, the expensive stuff after nursery doesnt kick in until secondary really, and they dont HAVE to do all the clubs, a couple would surely be fine? Also go on entitledto.com and see if you would be entitled to claim anything, i was surprised at what I could claim when I was in same position.

You cut your cloth. Your out going appear to be very reasonable. And you will adapted. I earn half of what you do. Mortgage of £900. And no CMS. Due to my children's needs I get some DLA and UC. And we do just fine.

That's plenty to live on. Financially you will be fine.
When it comes to non essentials, children cost what you can afford for them to cost. So that may mean fewer hobbies but that's ok. They have a roof over their head, food in their stomach and clothes on their back. Everything else is whatever you can afford. It's different for everyone

You’re welcome! I think overall your biggest costs would be any extra childcare, (I’m unsure on your earnings to be entitled but have a look at 30 funded hours once DD is 3 if childcare isn’t already in place), school uniform and days out during half terms but those are all down to each parent and whether you choose private nurseries, branded uniform instead of the correct colours from a supermarket and where you go for days out, think about how comfortable you are now and how much his wage actually contributes and then halve it, I honestly think you’ll be okay!

When working out costs, remember to think about if you will need wraparound care for school (and you would obviously be looking at schools near your current rental, so factor that in). “Hobby” classes are, ultimately, optional, but you need to have something in place to enable you to work. Also holiday childcare when they are school age will be a spike in that month’s outgoings, so August, when they are off school, will probably cost you more than, eg November, when they will have the full month in school.

I hope you find something that works for you. It’s horrible to feel financially trapped.

You earn more than me and my husband together and we have 2!

It's plenty to live on and you are in a great financial position. Also you might find that your mental health improves enormously when you move out, so you won't have to worry about your job so much.

You'll be fine, single mum, 2 kids, no financial support from their dad, after rent we have 1.2k a month and we are okay

They have nice birthdays, xmas ect, we have days out, they have treats each week,

You'll be okay

@IcedupTulip is it really teen years then that are hard? What sort of stuff do you pay for?! I feel so out of my depth. Cinema trips or schools trips etc? What sort of cost wouod you say it is monthly?

I have huge anxiety linked to mental health challenges and I feel sick with worry that I don’t have any experience of any of this

Well ‘cost’ will really depend if if a % of that £780 is to go towards nursery fees, housing etc as well as standard food/ clothes/ days out/ etc.

In your senario I would say nursery will be your largest cost so will the £780 all go on 50% of nursery costs?
Housing I assume you’re fairly covered by. But a 3 bed could have large utility and maintenance costs, depending on age.

Not including housing/ nursery/ bills, I would say my 3 year old roughly costs:
£150 a month food - our food bill is about £30-40 a week extra now.
£100 a month to cover basics and essentials ie new shoes or clothing outgrown, books, craft stuff, medical. Some months I spend nothing, then he needs slippers, wellington and shoes all at once if outgrown.
£100 a month towards larger items like next stage car seat, bed, bike etc.
£50 - swimming, eating out, entrance fees

I would say the above isn’t essentials as such, and you can reduce but that’s what I would say ours averages out. So around £400 ish a month. That’s doesn’t include larger purchases like going on holiday

What are people actually spending a month on a 12 year old for instance? I just can’t envisage it at all

Plenty of single parents live on less. You will be fine.

You will be fine. I'm single and earn half your salary, (although have low mortgage) have 2 dc and very little financial support from ex.

If you're working full time the most expensive thing is still childcare, although it gets better when they go to school. You'll still have holiday clubs and wraparound care to pay for.

Cap extra curricular activities at what you can afford, I've always said to my dc they can do maximum of 2 extra curriculars a week each plus swimming lessons. However my ds1 only does swimming now and ds2 does swimming and squirrels. Dance classes are not essential.

£30 per month hobby
£50 per month school lunch
£30 per month pocket money
£20 per month phone bill
£50-100 discretionary spending (new item of clothing etc)
£100/150 on groceries and occasional takeout

£280-£380 per month roughly?

My 10 year old is this:
£29 swimming lessons
£37 climbing lessons
£15 scouts.
£15 phone

This month she is going to a scout weekend £70, there is also a scout weekend in May £40 and June £65.

She gets £20 month pocket money, which I envisage needing to be more when gets to secondary with trips into town/cinema etc but i plan to give that ad hoc as and when required, maybe £20 every other weekend?

My six year old costs me £25/month in swimming lessons. Food is as much as you want it to be. Clothes, maybe £20/month average over the year, could be less if you bought more second hand. Uniform, we get ours at 50p per item from the PTA second hand sale. School shoes, approx £20/pair twice a year. Fun activities could be free (library, park, swimming included with swim lessons) but we probably spend another £50/month on 'fun' (e.g. ticket to craft workshop, lunch out). So I don't think she costs much over £100/month. She will start music lessons soon which will be £12/week.

I havent included school costs in mine but if I did I'd add £40 lunches, £100 wraparound care (wont be needed for secondary) and this years school residential is £180.

I think this thread might be a reverse 😂The Dad wanting to know whether he's being taken for a ride.

In all honesty with a £68k salary and £780 a month CMS you'll be taking home anywhere between £4.5 and £5k so unless you eat caviar for breakfast I think you'll be just fine haha

Per month my 9yo costs:

Swimming - £25
Karate - £60
Cubs - £15 (annual cap.+ termly subs divided)
Music £30
Tutor £160 (horror face)
School dinners £40 (4 days a week)
Savings £100
Food £30?

In addition ad-hoc costs for:
Football boots/shoes/clothes/birthday + party/friends birthday presents/ trips out

So lets.make it a round 550 🤯 obviously all the clubs & tutor are optional. Food & clothing not so much.

Well if it is, he needs to know his duty to his child is 50% of the total cost of raising a child, not an optional top up payable only if the op can't cover everything.

A man forgot cricket/football.
Add another 20 a month.

Children can be as cheap or as expensive as you like

However you might find your mental health improves enormously once he is out of the picture!