how much does your child actually cost you? Please help me :(

[AbelMary]

I want to leave DP. He earns 75k with prospects of it going much higher, perhaps to 140k eventually, maybe 100k in next 4 years etc. We have a two year old.

I am well aware that cms is shit and can’t rely on it. I only add in his circumstances for context. It’s me who wants to leave and he will absolutely put me through cms if that happens, he generally does the right thing but he won’t make any of it easy given I will be causing the break up. Dd will live with me, he won’t argue that one as he does barely anything as it is and is completely work obsessed.

my question is… am I making a huge mistake financially? I earn 68k but I am always worried about my job as my mental health is up and down. I’ve always maintained my job but if I was a single parent I would be alone paying mortgage and bills etc.

I am v lucky that I own a 3 bed detached with a 50% mortgage on it that I rent out while living with DP. I intend to move back to that.

My worry is that I am not really understanding how much a child costs. DP would pay 780 based on the cms calculator and when I confirmed all this in a friend she said that won’t go far when she hits school…. Is this right? I am too embarrassed to ask more about what she meant as I wonder if I am completely deluded about child costs? I have been looking up costs of dancing classes and swimming lessons etc and done a budget plan and the costs are a lot. How much do you spend overall for a 5 year old, 10 year old, 15 year old etc etc? Am I crazy for considering this on a financial level given cms is never guaranteed? I would hope he would do the right thing but I don’t want to separate in that hope, I need to be realistic that I could fully be on my own financially. Can anyone help?

Well obviously you'll be matching it so 1600 a month pretty much.......if you can't meet the costs of kids with £400 a week I'd be very surprised, it's more than my weekly outgoings including bills 🤣🤣🤣

You'll be fine op. It will be worth it in the end.

You're obviously not going to have the same disposable income and lifestyle then if you stay and if you have equal access to all family money. Whereas if childcare comes out of your salary alone and your 50/50 on joint expenses you'll be better off. Either way you will fine.

If you are married or have assets and accounts in joint names you need legal advise from a family solicitor asap and to do so before you leave.

My ds is 16. Apart from the obvious of putting a roof over his head and bills etc this is how much ‘extra’ he costs me; £55 a month bus pass, £50 a month pocket money, £80 dinner money, food probably £50 per week. Birthdays and Xmas I spend about £500 on each for him, phone bill £20. Clothes and school uniform, shoes etc probably about £400 a year, haircut £16 every 2 months, prescription glasses around £80 a year, rugby club £30 a month, basketball club £30 a month. We also go on holiday twice a year so probably another £1-2k a year on that depending on where we go / if we get a free child place.

I haven’t coat up petrol used to run him around to friends or home decor / furniture for his bedroom.

Football £250 per year
Tennis lessons £150 a term
£6pm sim only contract
£10pm pocket money
£20pm socialising
£150 year merlin pass
£350 year clothes & shoes
£80pm lunch money

=£216pm

My teenager is my cheapest as I have no childcare costs for him.

How longs a piece of string?
If you can’t afford dance classes then your kid doesn’t do dance classes, you’ll have to cut your cloth. It’s not worth staying in an unhappy relationship so that your kid can learn ballet.
As it is - breakfast club is £5 a day, after school is £12.50 a day, dance is £75 a month, swimming is £40 a month, drama is £20 a month…

but not all of those things are necessary and a happy home life is more important!

Your major cost will be child care while you work, so cost that up locally. Get several quotes and then add on 10%. It will need to be reviewed annually.

When your dc starts school consider daily wrap-around care plus allow an extra £3k for school holidays.

Generally, food, clothes , hobbies, utilities, water childcare - I'd allow £150 a week for a little one.

I have a 16yo boy. I spend about £600 a month, which includes huge amounts of food, clothes, hobbies, utilities, swimming, karate, school field trips but no childcare.

That doesn't include an allowance for an extra bedroom.

2 school aged children

childcare with TFC

£28 per day wrap around childcare for 2 children at school
£50 per day holiday club 2 children

swimming and music lessons, afterschool clubs, £135 a month (will go up when younger one starts doing more clubs)

clothes and shoes £50 a month

food £150 a month

school dinners for 1 child £40 a month (free school dinner received by all children in first 3 years)

Birthdays and Christmas £400 a year

miscellaneous expenses e.g. school trips and presents for friends parties and furniture/equipment £70 a month

Days out and holidays £2000 a year (obviously includes for ourselves)

This is just what we spend and kids seem quite happy, I know people who spend a lot more and we’ve had less to be able to spend in the past, just depends what you would be happy with

You earn more than me and my husband and we have three children. I think you'll manage very well.

I mean, you earn more than double what I did when I was a single parent and I managed, including the cost of full time childcare. You’ll be fine.

Oh and I didn’t get any child support (DH passed away.)

Mine are 16 and 11.

Kids activites costs have been pretty consistently around around the 200 a month mark.

They get dearer as teens. If I add in the equipment they need, shoes, clothes, make up, phones, Christmas/birthday presents, going out money etc, I'd say its probably 500-odd a month evened out over the year.

But you cut your cloth according to your means and they younger they are, the cheaper they are I've found.

Edited to add: we've never had to pay any childcare whatsoever. I was a SAHM til they went to school and then worked PT around them. And between us, we don't earn 75k.

My 13 year old isn't into clubs so the only thing I pay for him is his phone, spending money (he probably has £20 a week) and new clothes. He's into sports stuff which is (for me) hideously expensive but I think on your incoming you should be fine.

Different take here: think about your long term financial situation. At £68K you won’t get child benefit. Can you salary sacrifice £18k plus any bonuses into your pension? If you do, can you live on £50k p/a?
Mortgage: 50% LTV is great, but how much do you have to pay monthly? How old will you be when it’s paid off (at current rate)? Is it currently in on a BTL mortgage? How much will you have left each month after mortgage payments?
Bills: would you be able to afford to pay these every month? With money left over for emergencies, savings etc?
Nursery: can you realistically do all this and pay nursery costs? Even when everything goes up next year, and the year after?
Additional help: it’s exhausting single parenting. If you are in a position to buy in help then it’s a godsend, whether that be an au pair, a cleaner for a few hours a week, or a babysitter now and then for a break.
Other support: do you have family / friends around you who realistically will be there to help? When you are tired, when child is ill etc? If not, that will need to be budgeted for.
School: do you know which schools (s) they are likely to get a place at? If so, find out whether they offer wraparound care (breakfast club and after school club), and what the costs are, and the hours they offer, as well as whether they are oversubscribed. Our school is £25 a day for wrap around, and the waiting list wasn’t bad, but friends elsewhere had to wait two years to get five days a week wrap around places! Plus another of the schools only offers it 8-9am, and 3.30-5pm, which is useless for parents commuting to / from an office.
Get your ducks in a row. Establish what you can afford to do. Make sure you have spare capacity in your budget for things like broken boilers, and emergency childcare when they are sick (and know where you will access said childcare). The rest, dance class, gymnastics etc., it’s all lovely but ultimately is just a ‘nice to have’. If you get anything from ex, great. That pays for the extras, and for savings for emergencies. Heck, even for holidays and long term savings/ mortgage over payments if you can! But do not rely on money from him for day to day life. Because, speaking from bitter experience, you cannot rely on that.
Good luck.

Don't include child maintenance in your calculations, also factor in any reduction to your working hours to take account of your new situation.

You earn more than what a lot of families with two working parents and more than one child earn combined, with CM on top. you’ll be fine.

My dh earned c35k for the last decade and soley supported 4 (then 5) of us on that.

@AllTheChaos you make an excellent point about the child benefit, if your having to pay extra childcare to do so, being the single earner to earn 68k rather than 50k is absolutely not worth it

Someone please explain how school will cost me more than £1100 for nursery??

Child benefit is about £1kpa, why salary sacrifice £18k to get it?

Did you still’ have a mortgage? @peachgreen

Presumably it is about take home pay due to increased taxes.

It’s a tax efficient way of boosting her pension. Lot of women end up with inadequate pensions, I. Part due to the gender pay gap, in part due to banking in having access on their husbands pension and then not having that for whatever reason.

Yes and a lot more than 50%! (DH died from a cardiac arrest caused by a genetic condition so no life insurance, if that’s what you’re getting at.)

You earn a lot more than our 2 adult household income. You'll be fine. I spend £250 per month on 4 days a week breakfast club and after school clubs. A similar amount in the school holidays as I also take leave. Other than that there are not particularly any fixed expenses, although there are the ad-hoc clothes/shoes etc but you choose how much to spend on those. I disagree that teens cost more. Mine has a £6 a month phone contract and gets £25 a month pocket money. She no longer does swimming lessons (completed) or needs childcare so costs much less than when she was younger.

Op might be in an expensive area. My mortgage alone is more than £2k a month for a tiny place (600 square foot). Moving somewhere cheaper, if she can’t work there, won’t solve it!

Just to give an idea my 15 year old is going on a school trip this year - cost £800 . He also does a sport through school - cost about £600 . There are 2 other trips he could go on ( skiing and a MFL exchange) . This is state not private school. With a 2 year old though plenty of time to build a buffer