how much does your child actually cost you? Please help me :(

[AbelMary]

I want to leave DP. He earns 75k with prospects of it going much higher, perhaps to 140k eventually, maybe 100k in next 4 years etc. We have a two year old.

I am well aware that cms is shit and can’t rely on it. I only add in his circumstances for context. It’s me who wants to leave and he will absolutely put me through cms if that happens, he generally does the right thing but he won’t make any of it easy given I will be causing the break up. Dd will live with me, he won’t argue that one as he does barely anything as it is and is completely work obsessed.

my question is… am I making a huge mistake financially? I earn 68k but I am always worried about my job as my mental health is up and down. I’ve always maintained my job but if I was a single parent I would be alone paying mortgage and bills etc.

I am v lucky that I own a 3 bed detached with a 50% mortgage on it that I rent out while living with DP. I intend to move back to that.

My worry is that I am not really understanding how much a child costs. DP would pay 780 based on the cms calculator and when I confirmed all this in a friend she said that won’t go far when she hits school…. Is this right? I am too embarrassed to ask more about what she meant as I wonder if I am completely deluded about child costs? I have been looking up costs of dancing classes and swimming lessons etc and done a budget plan and the costs are a lot. How much do you spend overall for a 5 year old, 10 year old, 15 year old etc etc? Am I crazy for considering this on a financial level given cms is never guaranteed? I would hope he would do the right thing but I don’t want to separate in that hope, I need to be realistic that I could fully be on my own financially. Can anyone help?

Her post tax income would be £48678 but that’s assuming she pays no student loan repayments (or pension contributions) and does not have any additional expenses related to her work that you don’t have such as e.g needing to live in a certain location, needing to buy suitable work clothing, maintain professional registrations/qualifications etc and that she works the same hours as you etc. Even assuming she gets to take home the full £48678 that is (which is highly unlikely) it is still not double your net income

OK, not quite double, fair enough. But still significantly more than mine. So of course it is doable.

You will be fine I’m sure. I get £7 a week for 4 children from cms and I manage (have no choice) when it’s paid anyway, in the last year since jan 2023 - jan 2024 I’ve received maintenance of £87 🤷‍♀️ I’m sure you will manage

Totally agree it’s comfortably doable

You will be absolutely fine! I earn a bit less than you and get no maintenance. I have a mortgage and we live comfortably.

DS16 costs:

£30 lunches
£30 music
£45 clothes/haircuts
£20 pocket money
£20 phone

Xmas/Birthday £200 each (one off, not pcm)

I am estimating £500 ppm for university (split between me and his dad)

Currently around £100pcm dance fees, £30pcm hockey, 15pcm scouts, £30pcm phone. Then there's the associated time/fuel costs of taking her to activities. Usually £10-20pw pocket money. School lunches are around £20pw. She's just about to start with an English tutor at £40pw.

Clothes are a good mix of branded (think ££ white fox etc) and primark, which is apparently cool.

She's definitely got more expensive as she's got older but childcare and loss of earnings were the biggest financial hit of parenthood so far.

Really? You manage a £2k a month mortgage on that? Plus bills and all other costs? Like I do? Or no, wait, maybe Op had different costs to you? Eg had to live in London in order to do her job? 🤦‍♀️

I don't have a £2k mortgage, no. But OP hasn't said what her costs are, and she has said that she owns a house that she will move back to so it doesn't sound like she's tied to one place for work.

OP, not quite the same situation but I put a post up ages ago asking about the costs of older kids vs younger kids (mine are 6 and 9) as we'll be paying school fees from this summer so need to get ducks in a row financially. There was such a huge mix. Honestly, you're in control of what you spend your money on so take control.

The post I put up was full of people saying 'remember driving lessons at 17' and a car for example. I have no intention of paying for DC's driving lessons or buying them a car. They can fund themselves like a did in my mid 20s. I overheard a convo in the school playground the other day that someone had bought their 7 yr old a Stanley cup for £75. I mean...everyone has different priorities when it comes to money so you decide what yours are.

With that salary you'll be fine

Music lessons/other activities are the killer in our house

Tennis and swimming: £100/m per dc
Music lessons: £80/m per instrument per dc
Orchestra fees (these vary loads but can easy be £600 a year per dc
Dance: £120 a term for 2 classes a week

Show fees, music & dance exams cost more on top, its about £50 per exam, 1 per instrument/dance type per child per year

Then dance uniform & shoes & music instrument costs are on top

Music & dance get v expensive,which is prob why so many kids quit these by about age 9/10

You will be fine as long as you’re not hoping to pay for private school or living somewhere ludicrously expensive. I have two primary age. Take home pay is 3000 and cms is 550. Mortgage 600, usual bills. I pay 550 a month in wraparound for two, so expect to pay half that. School dinners cost me 60/month each ish. Swimming lessons 35 a month each. Those are their biggest expenses. I still get child benefit on my salary but that goes straight into their savings isa.