how much does your child actually cost you? Please help me :(

[AbelMary]

I want to leave DP. He earns 75k with prospects of it going much higher, perhaps to 140k eventually, maybe 100k in next 4 years etc. We have a two year old.

I am well aware that cms is shit and can’t rely on it. I only add in his circumstances for context. It’s me who wants to leave and he will absolutely put me through cms if that happens, he generally does the right thing but he won’t make any of it easy given I will be causing the break up. Dd will live with me, he won’t argue that one as he does barely anything as it is and is completely work obsessed.

my question is… am I making a huge mistake financially? I earn 68k but I am always worried about my job as my mental health is up and down. I’ve always maintained my job but if I was a single parent I would be alone paying mortgage and bills etc.

I am v lucky that I own a 3 bed detached with a 50% mortgage on it that I rent out while living with DP. I intend to move back to that.

My worry is that I am not really understanding how much a child costs. DP would pay 780 based on the cms calculator and when I confirmed all this in a friend she said that won’t go far when she hits school…. Is this right? I am too embarrassed to ask more about what she meant as I wonder if I am completely deluded about child costs? I have been looking up costs of dancing classes and swimming lessons etc and done a budget plan and the costs are a lot. How much do you spend overall for a 5 year old, 10 year old, 15 year old etc etc? Am I crazy for considering this on a financial level given cms is never guaranteed? I would hope he would do the right thing but I don’t want to separate in that hope, I need to be realistic that I could fully be on my own financially. Can anyone help?

@AbelMary my 16 year old gets £20 a month plus phone paid for - she is an introvert so doesn’t need much. I pay for clothes etc and just bought her prom dress - £150 plus fitting… others in her year are spending similar or getting dresses from Shien so you set the budget.

dtds are 12 and do lots of dance and drama which costs a lot. We used to have a 2 club rule but we can afford more so let them do more. Many of their friends do none of these activities.

you’ll live within your means.

So for my my 10yo

If we used it...
Breakfast club £3
After school club £5
School lunch £3
Per day. (Yorkshire prices!)

Activities
Scouts... £150 per year subs. Plus camps... about £40 a weekend 3 or 4 times a year (average)
Rugby... £50 per year. Plus transpirt to games.

Swimming was £30 a month.

Clothes
Her feet won't stop growing at the moment! And that's £40 for school shoes, plus 2xtrainers, walking boots, rugby boots, sandals... fortunately some of these are passed down!
Primary school uniform fortunately relatively cheap... about £50 a year.
Then casual clothes.... this really depends on income.

School trips.
Her residential trip is £250. Curriculum trip £7. Choir trip £10.

Food... about £30 a week.

For my 12yo...
Her school uniform was £200ish in Yr7. Just needed blouses and trousers this year.
Shoes and casual clothes as above.
Activities.. her climbing lessons are £15 each, 2 or 3 times a month. Climbing wall is 45 minute drive.
Her residential trip is £600.
Food as above. In addition schoollunches could be up to £5 a day but she doesn't like them.

Both also going on an international scout trip £400... but grandparents donating as christmas/birthday presents.

Then there is birthday/Christmas presents, phones, bigger house in a nice school catchment, holidays etc as other expenses.

Is your friend perhaps thinking private school fees? That's the only thing that could possibly make your situation anything other than perfectly comfortable I'd say.

DTs are 13, I pay for them (each)

Phone - £30
Pocket money - £25
Hobby - £100
School lunches - £80
Extra £10 here and there when they want to go out with friends £20
Food say £100 month as a quarter of our monthly bill, that includes shampoo, conditioner etc.
Clothes average maybe £40 a month. last month they needed new bras, they were £30
Haircuts £12.50 a month over the year
School trips £80 month (for a bog standard 4 night PGL residential)
Other random requests from school £10
Swimming £20 month
Netflix / Amazon Music - have had to up subscriptions for multiple devices £10 extra / month
Friends birthday presents £5 month
Holidays - £200 per month

There are always random things cropping up, I paid £480 for dyslexia assessments in December, now one needs to go to a specialist optometrist and that is £120. One needs coloured overlays and exercise books,

Sorry but I did crassly laugh. My ex pays £50 per child per month and he’s on 40k+ a year. I don’t go through CMS as he’s utterly crap with money and whilst is makes me grit my teeth, I’d sooner he keep a roof over his head to do his share of parenting than ask for more (again).

I have one child who does the minimum amount of after school care, that’s £100ish per month. Youngest is on free nursery hours and the other has high needs so his childcare costs are 0. Uniforms and shoe replacements are the killer for me to be honest, and the one cost that will always go up until they finish education. Due to additional needs they can’t do clubs and hobbies (or not found any yet), so try and do more ‘family days’ which often cost a bomb even with a carer ticket but there we go. My outgoings are high but I don’t own a house and car is on HP. I think you’ll be ok OP.

My eldest is 12.

Food: 150ish a month, based on a 1/4 share of our food shop.
Hobbies: 80 a month (lifeguard training, martial arts and rugby).
School bus: 56 a month.
School uniform: 30ish a month, averaged out.
Clothes: 50ish a month, averaged out.
Phone: 10 a month.
Shoes: 80ish/pair, bought as and when he needs them.
Christmas: Varies, but I usually budget roughly 600.
Birthday: as above but I try to budget around 300.
Pocket money: 40 a month.

He's still a lot cheaper than he was when we were paying nursery fees!

If you can’t raise a child on 68k you have no business having a child. Know people in far more precarious positions managing to raise their children on less than 20k a year, children never go without and their mum doesn’t see a penny of CMS.

My 14 year old costs:
£15 phone
£20 pocket money
£20 travel (usually cycles)
£5 insurance for bike
£15 Xbox live account
£50 orthodontist
£50 clothing and shoes
£50 sports and clubs
And lots of milk and Weetabix!

If you think he will make things difficult for you how can you assume that he wouldn't want to have the child 50% of the time? Given that you earn roughly the same he wouldn't have to pay you anything in that case. A lot of men say they will go for 50/50 or even full residency just to spite their spouse off, some of them change their minds others goes through with it.

Financially you will be fine. Many people manage multiple DC on less income. Only thing I would say is make sure you have your house back before moving to the next stage. Give notice to your tennant. You may find moving your tennant on to be costly and a long drawn out process, especially if the rent is below market rate.

Children and teens will cost what you can afford. Most people spend the majority of their income on rent and bills plus food. If your mortgage is low(ish) then you'll have more breathing room.

Supermarket shop wise I'm spending roughly £200 per week for a family with 2 adults and 2 dc (age 10 & 14). I could get it lower if needed, but we are fortunate with our budget.

Clothes, my teen has stopped growing so I'm now happy to buy her the occasional more expensive label jumper and other clothing. My 10 year old is in epic growth spurt phase so he gets stuff from vinted. Some families shop at primark others dress their kids in organic cottton boden and scandi brands. To be fair they spend the majority of their lives in school uniform.

Activities. I guess this depends on where you live and whats avaliable locally, and also your budget. Scouts is £1 a week, football is £35 a month, swimming lessons are £32 a month for group lessons but ds has 1-1 lessons at £90pcm. My teen is really into a specific sport, competes at National level. Training and equipment hire comes to about £90 a month, its the competitions that are expensive (entry fees, travel, hotel, costumes, etc). However when she started it was £1 a lesson for the first few years.

Holidays are our other big expense. But that's just because we can afford it and enjoy them.

When they get to 16 plus the costs become eyewatering - adult clothes, driving lessons, travel, university etc

This

Well, cost is really what you chose. My two do a few clubs between them, we pay for their phones, one wants to go to the gym too which we are looking into.

they like things like swimming with friends, shopping trips and going to McDonald’s. Clothes tend to be Nike etc rather than the primark stuff I used to buy.

There are expensive ski trips at school but mine know they can’t go on those as we can’t afford it.

it all depends what you are willing to spend to be honest but you will have more income than I do so you’ll be just fine.

as above

Primary age is cheap. If you can manage the 2-4 costs you’ll be fine for primary. Eg our wrap around is £15 per person per day for 3-6. If your partner will take for some of the school holdings then your costs for holiday clubs will reduce as that is then a big chunk but even combined it’s much cheaper than nursery.

If CMS says he would have to pay £780 per month for one child (I get £350 for 3 children!) don't be surprised if he suddenly decided he does want parent 50/50 and then he doesn't have to pay you anything

I managed as a single parent with my first on a lot less than you are earning. You will be fine and probably much happier

I manage on less than half what you do.

You will be fine OP. You can cut your cloth accordingly.

Child care and usual house running expenses are your big ones. Most other things are optional (packed lunches if necessary etc).

My mental health improved massively after i left my ex. I hope its the same for you!

I think you should be fine; but it will depend on what activities etc they do.

so I get around £600 a month maintenance, plus half of all school uniform and shoes and trips etc. we also split their clubs , but for the 2 of them we are spending just over £1k a month between us.

I don’t think finances should be a reason to stay though, you absolutely can do this! But I really would take a firm stand when doing your parenting plan and financial agreement to get the extra stuff.

You'll be doing swimmingly. I managed on my own with 2 kids, quite big mortgage, only earning 25k and receiving £200 monthly cms

£30 food ???

For people saying 'i managed on less than half' etc don't forget that OP will not be entitled to any government handouts, which depending on when you were managing, you may have had top ups or working tax credits and paid less tax. Plus as a single higher earner will be paying more tax than two people earning near combined amount, so like comparing apples and pears.
@AbelMary I would imagine you will be fine, just don't encourage DC into pony riding/skiing or other expensive hobbies!

I’m actually taken aback at how much I spend on 14 YO but this could definitely be cut:
p/m
hair - £15
pocket money £40
lunch/ snacks on card £120
ad hoc outings with friends £30
bus £0 in Scotland
clothes £50
food ( never stops) £200
pie at football £20
subscription £30