how much does your child actually cost you? Please help me :(

[AbelMary]

I want to leave DP. He earns 75k with prospects of it going much higher, perhaps to 140k eventually, maybe 100k in next 4 years etc. We have a two year old.

I am well aware that cms is shit and can’t rely on it. I only add in his circumstances for context. It’s me who wants to leave and he will absolutely put me through cms if that happens, he generally does the right thing but he won’t make any of it easy given I will be causing the break up. Dd will live with me, he won’t argue that one as he does barely anything as it is and is completely work obsessed.

my question is… am I making a huge mistake financially? I earn 68k but I am always worried about my job as my mental health is up and down. I’ve always maintained my job but if I was a single parent I would be alone paying mortgage and bills etc.

I am v lucky that I own a 3 bed detached with a 50% mortgage on it that I rent out while living with DP. I intend to move back to that.

My worry is that I am not really understanding how much a child costs. DP would pay 780 based on the cms calculator and when I confirmed all this in a friend she said that won’t go far when she hits school…. Is this right? I am too embarrassed to ask more about what she meant as I wonder if I am completely deluded about child costs? I have been looking up costs of dancing classes and swimming lessons etc and done a budget plan and the costs are a lot. How much do you spend overall for a 5 year old, 10 year old, 15 year old etc etc? Am I crazy for considering this on a financial level given cms is never guaranteed? I would hope he would do the right thing but I don’t want to separate in that hope, I need to be realistic that I could fully be on my own financially. Can anyone help?

We have a yearly income of about 1/2 of yours for a family of 4 and we manage. You’ll be absolutely fine. You cut your cloth accordingly.

I'm a single mum of 2.

8 and 9 year old DC.

They do 3 clubs each.
I have no rent or mortgage.
I work part-time not much above minimum wage.
I claim some benefits and get 400 in maintenance.

I get by and can afford things like holidays and eating out. However I don't drive. I live in walking distance of everything and I'm convinced this saves me a fortune.

My 12 year old - £20 say twice a month to go to town with friends. £7 a month cinema , clothes say £500 a year. Bus £6 a month. Youth club is free. Bi Annual youth club holidays £400 total. Birthday £300 Christmas £400 . Family holiday cost per person £1000. Entrance for day trips zoo, theme park £30 a month Random things she needs eg a hair brush, a calculator a present for a friend £30
a month. That's it apart from food , toiletries and increased utilities. I would estimate £200 a month for those. So total amount approx £530 a month.

I earn just under your salary and get no cms. We do just fine (toddler is 17 months). I think we live a comfortable life - can afford days out, clothes, toys etc. got a couple of holidays booked this year. Nursery fees are £700 but I get 20% paid from tax free childcare x

Thanks SO much! This has really helped me think ahead a lot. I think I need to start saving fast, I only have 3k of my own savings and would like a bit more before I leave. I don’t want dd to go without and like everyone has said, despite DP being a workaholic there is no guarantee he would be forced to pay his way or what he may do to wriggle out of it. I can’t rely on it.

Thank you

£780 is his share right? With your £780 added in, that’s plenty for a school age child. After/before school childcare will be your biggest expense.

My dd13 costs me/ us a fortune

Per month
£50 train
£50 lunches
£100 hobbies (one high level with frequent galas)
£80 pocket money
£20 sports equipment (averaged out per year) 3 sports
£30 birthday (averaged out per year)
£60-70 Xmas (averaged out per year)
£20 birthday presents for her friends per month )
£10 school trips (average). £1200 next year for a big trip
£250 per month for holidays (averaged out per year)
£120 food
£40 clothes/shoes (averaged out per year)
£60 school uniform (averaged out)
£40 school contribution (grammar school)
£20 Toiletries (has expensive taste and uses a lot)
£20 phone
£50 junior isa

Other costs private dental (can't get nhs) and private medical £40-50 per month

other costs too like water/ electric etc that are harder to quantify.

You spend according to your family budget though. We are quite fortunate and she's our only dc.

Child benefit is £1331 pa from April for one child but was assuming on basis of 2 children

18k taxed at 42% (NI and income tax)
= £10440 minus CB for 2 children (£2212) = £8228 remaining income

Depending on how a parent was able to reduce their hours, I know people on 50k who work 9- 3 negating the need for wraparound childcare (except holiday care) so saving them £5320 per year (northern prices)

Remaining income from 18k = £2908

Some people also find they can manage holiday childcare with much less expense due to the shorter hours so saving them further money and then they just save money generally from having more time in the day, less inclined to get takeaways etc, but in general most people would see putting in the extra work to earn 18k of which £2908 you keep at best estimate as worth it, think this is where the child benefit rules tip the balance
Not to mention if your also paying student (and potentially PG) loans on top that’s another significant slice of your £2908, and some people wonder why we’ve got a productivity problem in this country 🤣

I see there is a whole page of people who ignored this

Don't let them get into music.

DS's music bill is £600+ a term, for 2 x instruments, aural, orchestra and choir.
I keep having to tell myself that he loves it and is good at it.

Yes having been a single parent on a low salary myself and all the people saying they bought up four children on a fraction of this do amuse me as funnily enough as a single parent once all the top up benefits etc were taken into account my income wasn't that far off the post tax income of someone on this salary paying childcare, commuting and SLC.

The cost of my three is mainly 20+ years of responsibility, relentless responsibility, childcare and time including a decade of reduced ability to work. Reduced pension from being part time. Needing to live where they need to live and house them all. Reduced ability to seek promotion or have time to myself. Holidays for four, days out for four.
Clothes and food and hobbies and stuff is almost incidental.
If his time is worth 140k a year then the cost for him would be 140k a year or paying someone else to do it all.

You should be absolutely fine, but just be careful on relying on CMS.

My EXDP tried to pretend he was self-employed to get out of paying. CMS agreed with him and said nothing they can do...until I sent them an old payslip of his showing his employment and pay, so I got the money the DC were entitled to.

CMS are supposed to check earnings with HMRC, but don't seem bothered to.

You earn more than enough. You will 100% be fine. Leave him.

I have a seven year old who does a LOT of hobbies (his choice, very high energy child who absolutely loves sports).

We pay:
£34 pm for swimming lessons
£37 pm for gymnastics
£30 pm for football via school after school club
£15 pm for rugby
£50 pm for tennis (which is a lot but he loves it so so much)

Most kids will be doing less than half that amount. On the positive side, he is so busy with weekend sports that we don’t spend much money on days out.

Food:
Probably adds £20-30 onto our weekly food bill, but he gets universal free lunch at primary school so it’s only really breakfast and tea we are paying for.

Mortgage/utilities - we have a slightly bigger house and DS adds a bit to our water bill, but otherwise not much change.

Holidays - you can probably add another 50% per child.

Clothes - 90% of DS’s clothes come from H&M. Few bits from Jojo or M&S. Really not expensive once they are over 4 and only grow out of clothes once a year.

Dentist/hairdresser etc - maybe £100 per year?

Your biggest expenditure is likely to be childcare, honestly. Once that’s covered, you won’t find DC cost all that much in primary school.

Just don't get into music, and you'll be fine!

Music lessons - 3- instruments between 2 dc; orchestra, choir, aural coaching - £650/term. Exam entry £90, plus whatever the accompanist will cost.

That's all through the school music service.

Once upon a time, all that was free.

I earn 25k and ex partner pays £185 per month. My mortgage is paid off, so I don't have that worry, but DD has everything she needs including holidays.

You choose. My parents didn’t pay for half of the things listed above. If we wanted a phone we paid the bill and beyond that we save birthday and Christmas money to pay for anything else. Occasionally we would get food out. Took packed lunch to school, was not affordable to have lunch at the canteen.

I am a single parent and my income, including UC and child benefit, is still less than half of OP's.

My income as a single parent including benefit top ups is £26,400 not including child maintenance, if I include maintenance it's £30,000 so yes, I do in fact manage on half of this.

Your tax is a lot less

Its so variable op. On my 12 year old we spend £10 a week on bus fare, mobile phone is about £20 a month (the phone and the sim), adult sized feet that are still growing so trainers were £60, school shoes £70, has needed new trousers for school alfeady sonce going back in september as growjng so fast. Blazer was £100 and needed a new one every year so far. Adult sized coat was £100 etc etc.

My sporty 10 year old is the most expensive. Constantly buying sports kit, shin pads, socks, trainers, rugby boots, football boots, skins, hockey kit, etc etc. then club subs are £££.

Yes, so? It's still much less than what OP earns even factoring in tax.

I have three teenagers, it's relentless.

Single parent here with a 12 year old and 8 year old. Earn a bit less than you and half the cms. 12 year old costs are mainly clothes/uniform. I put around £20 a week on her dinner money account. Pay around £150 a month for her club/training. She has a school trip costing £500 in July but split cost with her dad. The costs aren't as much as when paying full time childcare but still adds up.