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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want my own money

132 replies

Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 22:02

I have been a been a SAHM for the last 13yrs to my 4DC due to the oldest having additional needs. I all this time DH has worked full-time. He has been paid

Rent(housings Association)
Council tax
4 kids swimming lessons
Once in a while food shop(once every 2 or 3months)
Saves the rest of his income for his goals.

We qualified for tax credit and child benefits we went in my account because I didn't want to be completely at his mercy financially. I have used the tax credits to pay

Weekly food shop
Broadband
My phone and 2 kids contract(nothing fancy).
Gas and electricity(prepayment)
Water
Kids clothes, shoes including school uniform
School dinner,clubs and trips.

I have made sure the kids have never gone without due to how meticulous I was but due to inflation I have been struggling lately so I have decided to look for work even though DH is against it. He wants me to tell him when I don't have money but I find it humiliating to ask.

I have applied to so many places for part time work but I was always unsuccessful even though I scored high in all the other criteria (this is what I have been told after asking for feedback from the companies). After speaking to the 1 company because they were still advertising for the position they agreed to reconsider my application if I can work full-time 37hrs which I agreed. I have an interview on the 9thfeb.

I haven't told DH about me looking for work because I know he will talk me out of getting a job. DC are 10,11 and 13. 10yrs and 11yrs can go to breakfast and after school club which is affordable or cycle home with 13yrs old as he is allowed to collect them( I only want to do this only when it an emergency). Their schools is 5mins from each other.

So my AIBU is should I tell DH I am looking for work or wait until I am offered the job to say I have gotten a job? Thank you for reading to the end :)

OP posts:
Curlewwoohoo · 23/01/2024 22:05

I'm all for you working if that's what you want. But I can't understand why you don't have a joint account. All money should be family money.

IncompleteSenten · 23/01/2024 22:09

It sounds like it's very important that you get a job and have your own income going into an account in your name only.

Do you think he would try to sabotage you if he knew beforehand?

Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 22:09

He has always said just let me know if you don't have enough and I don't want to justify buying the kid Bubble Tea(once in a blue moon) He thinks most of the things I buy the kids is wasting money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 22:11

IncompleteSenten · 23/01/2024 22:09

It sounds like it's very important that you get a job and have your own income going into an account in your name only.

Do you think he would try to sabotage you if he knew beforehand?

The reason I feel confident is because I know even if he tried its not going to sabotage me. They kids are older and I have very good support with my friends.

OP posts:
DelightfulDoris · 23/01/2024 22:12

So their phone contacts and clothes, Gas and Electric are all a waste of money?

DelightfulDoris · 23/01/2024 22:13

If I were you, all those direct debits would be paid half by me and half by him.

We don’t do this In our house though, it just all goes in one account.

pickledandpuzzled · 23/01/2024 22:13

You need your own money, but be careful- he’s likely to reduce what he contributes when he knows what you earn.

My preference would be to tell him you already work many many hours a week and ask where your wage is.

Tell him his contribution isn’t keeping up with inflation.

Do you know his wage and the household expenses?

If he argues and isn’t prepared to compromise then he’s being financially controlling.

Hmmmmaybe · 23/01/2024 22:14

Good on you OP

and when you start working full time make sure you stop doing all the domestic labour. The reality is that he almost certainly won’t step up for the kids and you’ll keep doing that.

but be prepared to stop doing his laundry and cooking for him

well done to you

Hmmmmaybe · 23/01/2024 22:14

Are you on the lease for the housing association property?

if you’re not - get on that asap

Guavafish1 · 23/01/2024 22:17

I would work

DidntReallyMeanIt · 23/01/2024 22:18

I've been married well over 20 years and our money just goes into the one pot.

How will childcare be managed during the holidays OP?

Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 22:32

DelightfulDoris · 23/01/2024 22:12

So their phone contacts and clothes, Gas and Electric are all a waste of money?

He doesn't mention it but you can read that's what he thinks

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 22:33

Hmmmmaybe · 23/01/2024 22:14

Are you on the lease for the housing association property?

if you’re not - get on that asap

I am on the lease.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 22:36

DidntReallyMeanIt · 23/01/2024 22:18

I've been married well over 20 years and our money just goes into the one pot.

How will childcare be managed during the holidays OP?

Childcare is ver affordable at my kids school and I would qualify for a help with childcare. They run holidays clubs at DC school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 22:38

Hmmmmaybe · 23/01/2024 22:14

Good on you OP

and when you start working full time make sure you stop doing all the domestic labour. The reality is that he almost certainly won’t step up for the kids and you’ll keep doing that.

but be prepared to stop doing his laundry and cooking for him

well done to you

Great idea

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 23/01/2024 22:39

This is unbelievable. Another day on MN hearing yet another story of abuse and dysfunction. This man disgusts me.

Can you please just tell him you need him to pay you a monthly direct debit? Ask him for £400

What is going to happen is you are now going to run yourself ragged working FT and doing everything else on top

You do know if you booted him out you’d get a decent amount of child maintenance from him? I think that’s the best option for you!

Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 22:42

Quitelikeit · 23/01/2024 22:39

This is unbelievable. Another day on MN hearing yet another story of abuse and dysfunction. This man disgusts me.

Can you please just tell him you need him to pay you a monthly direct debit? Ask him for £400

What is going to happen is you are now going to run yourself ragged working FT and doing everything else on top

You do know if you booted him out you’d get a decent amount of child maintenance from him? I think that’s the best option for you!

I am not going to lie I have thought about it as well. He would give me money but I have to ask but I don't want to ask . He should offer before I ask him.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 23/01/2024 22:48

Believe me just swallow your pride and ask for money!

Incase you have t realised he’s not going to suddenly turn round and offer you a tenner

IncompleteSenten · 23/01/2024 22:52

Is he financially controlling you? Are you afraid of him at all?

If not then if he has objections could you say to him that his attitude is the reason you are doing this. That you should not have to ask for money like a kid asking for pocket money and you should not be made to feel guilty for using money or feel like you have to justify yourself. Tell him that you are willing and happy to get a job and from that point on obviously split the domestic tasks with him and if he's that keen for you not to have financial independence in the form of a job he should feel free to set up a direct debit for £x a month into your account and he isn't allowed to question you or pout about what it gets spent on.

Do you have your own pension?

Bigcat25 · 23/01/2024 22:52

He shouldn't be questioning you about every small purchase such as bubble tea. Sounds like you could use relationship counselling. My husband and I had separate finances in the beginning, but now we are all in. It's kind of an old fashioned view of marriage, but it's ours, not yours and mine.

You should be on his savings account too. If he had to pay someone to replace the work you do he'd have to hire three people.

It's too bad you don't feel comfortable telling him about the job hunt, and quite telling. I would recommend financial counselling so he can maybe see that what he's doing isn't ok.

Agapornis · 23/01/2024 22:57

"his goals" 🙄
What about your goals?

Is the current situation that he gets to have savings and you don't?

What makes you think that after 13 years he'll start offering money of his own volition? By saying that I'm criticising him, not you - it is very controlling to tell you to ask for it, but then judge every tiny purchase and (I suspect) reject most of your requests.

Tinkerbyebye · 23/01/2024 23:01

Where is your 4th child?you mention 10,11 and 13 year old or are there twins?

will your oldest cope if he had additional needs

if so go for it, and ‘d’h can pick up half the chores as well

Bananaspinkyglitter · 23/01/2024 23:04

The cost of things have hugely increased. I need you to put in additional £x each month as I don’t have the funds to do it .

He is your bloody husband and father to your children !!

Then get your job and don’t use it to pay for everything ! Save some money and ……LTB!

I moan about DH but if he ever has spare money he gives it to me for me and the children .

Bananaspinkyglitter · 23/01/2024 23:06

I’m sure he doesn’t want you working as he like’s controlling the money and knows you rely on him.

Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 23:07

Tinkerbyebye · 23/01/2024 23:01

Where is your 4th child?you mention 10,11 and 13 year old or are there twins?

will your oldest cope if he had additional needs

if so go for it, and ‘d’h can pick up half the chores as well

Twins 10yrs.
The oldest will definitely cope. He has been in secondary school for more than 2 years and he is doing so well.

OP posts: