I want my own money

[Iamgoingtowork]

I have been a been a SAHM for the last 13yrs to my 4DC due to the oldest having additional needs. I all this time DH has worked full-time. He has been paid

Rent(housings Association)
Council tax
4 kids swimming lessons
Once in a while food shop(once every 2 or 3months)
Saves the rest of his income for his goals.

We qualified for tax credit and child benefits we went in my account because I didn't want to be completely at his mercy financially. I have used the tax credits to pay

Weekly food shop
Broadband
My phone and 2 kids contract(nothing fancy).
Gas and electricity(prepayment)
Water
Kids clothes, shoes including school uniform
School dinner,clubs and trips.

I have made sure the kids have never gone without due to how meticulous I was but due to inflation I have been struggling lately so I have decided to look for work even though DH is against it. He wants me to tell him when I don't have money but I find it humiliating to ask.

I have applied to so many places for part time work but I was always unsuccessful even though I scored high in all the other criteria (this is what I have been told after asking for feedback from the companies). After speaking to the 1 company because they were still advertising for the position they agreed to reconsider my application if I can work full-time 37hrs which I agreed. I have an interview on the 9thfeb.

I haven't told DH about me looking for work because I know he will talk me out of getting a job. DC are 10,11 and 13. 10yrs and 11yrs can go to breakfast and after school club which is affordable or cycle home with 13yrs old as he is allowed to collect them( I only want to do this only when it an emergency). Their schools is 5mins from each other.

So my AIBU is should I tell DH I am looking for work or wait until I am offered the job to say I have gotten a job? Thank you for reading to the end :)

You need to work out every penny of household outgoings - all the utilities, food shop, kids expenses, takeaways - and set up a joint account where these can paid for. Then either put in 50-50 in to the joint account or a percentage based on what you earn. Wages go in to your own account. And split chores down the middle. What you do with what you have left is your business.

I definitely will make sure he does pick more responsibility around the house.

The reason the bills are split this way is because I refuse to show him how much tax credit we get. If I did show him he would ask me to save some which is impossible.

Saves. I am not against saving. He never spends money on anything for himself unless he has to.

He sounds very much like my ex. When I got a job he sulked for months and then quit his job.
I left him, retrained and never looked back.

It wasn’t about money, it was about control. I think this is very likely the case in your relationship too.

He is the type to sulk as well. He would literally try to give me money if I told him I am job hunting because I am struggling to cover all the bill.

I can't save much left. I just try to make sure to have some money in my account incase I go out with the kids to buy them something when they ask. My kids are wonderful.They don't ask for much.

You should definitely look for work, it will give you freedom and independence and your kids are old enough.

To your question of whether to tell him now or when you get a job, well in a normal marriage I would imagine it would be discussed up front. However this does sound like a controlling and abusive marriage so I am on the fence.

The reason I haven't told him is because I know he will talk me out of it. If I get offered a job and I commit to it, he can't talk me out f accepting.

I have wanted to get a job for so long. He actually thinks I am spoilt because he doesn't expect me to go to work. Its too late to sit down and talk about money.

How much more will you net with the job vs tax credits? I know it's the principal but will you loose the tax credits when working? Sorr6 to ask but I don't know how they work

This is financial abuse.

Again.

How do we get to a point in society where these kind of relationship dynamics are normalised?

I know he is financially abusive and controlling. It has taken me a long time to realise this but I didn't any family for help or friends. I know have a BF who would do anything for me I just have to ask and my kids are older and extremely sensible and mature for their age.

@Iamgoingtowork you are doing the right thing he needs a fait au complet.

I would be setting up a new joint account which you both contribute to and all, and I mean all, household expenses are paid from.

The rest of your salary is yours to spend on you - savings, pension etc.

I would also set up a chore schedule, include your DC as at 10+ they are old enough to help out. Your DH will have to step up and do his share.

What on earth are you doing paying for all the utilities bills out of child benefit and tax credits? For a family of 6 that must eat up all of that money.

After checking,I know I will be better off workings.

I did but I had very little choice at the time. The kids were little and my oldest needed extra support due to additional needs. I also didn't have any support network and friends at the time

OP, get the job, get settled in to it, then get rid of him.

You sound totally checked out of the relationship, and for good reason. He is absolutely unreasonable in his actions, even abusive. You should not feel unable to access the family money. He should not have savings that you don’t. He does not get to tell you not to work.

They already have chores that they are responsible for.

Has any thought been given to when you are migrated from TC to UC? Some of these decisions may well be taken out of your / his hands.

@Iamgoingtowork thats good.

We discuss everything together. The very fact that you have to ask whether or not you should tell him you’re looking for a job, says that the relationship is in a very poor state.

It is good that you are getting some financial independence. I cannot see this marriage lasting if you want to be an equal partner. Good for you and good luck!

I have been waiting for this day patiently for a very long time

There's some really strange replies here.

You need to sit him down and lay out your expenditure, put all the bills into a joint account including an amount for you.

You both need to get used to the concept of running the household as a team. Or is this a problem (which should have been nipped in the bud at the beginning)??

OP well done on getting married.

You know if you get divorced you’ll be entitled to around 50% of his savings? Try and get some evidence of his finances now and send copies to someone you can trust.

Congratulations on the interview and good luck!