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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want my own money

132 replies

Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 22:02

I have been a been a SAHM for the last 13yrs to my 4DC due to the oldest having additional needs. I all this time DH has worked full-time. He has been paid

Rent(housings Association)
Council tax
4 kids swimming lessons
Once in a while food shop(once every 2 or 3months)
Saves the rest of his income for his goals.

We qualified for tax credit and child benefits we went in my account because I didn't want to be completely at his mercy financially. I have used the tax credits to pay

Weekly food shop
Broadband
My phone and 2 kids contract(nothing fancy).
Gas and electricity(prepayment)
Water
Kids clothes, shoes including school uniform
School dinner,clubs and trips.

I have made sure the kids have never gone without due to how meticulous I was but due to inflation I have been struggling lately so I have decided to look for work even though DH is against it. He wants me to tell him when I don't have money but I find it humiliating to ask.

I have applied to so many places for part time work but I was always unsuccessful even though I scored high in all the other criteria (this is what I have been told after asking for feedback from the companies). After speaking to the 1 company because they were still advertising for the position they agreed to reconsider my application if I can work full-time 37hrs which I agreed. I have an interview on the 9thfeb.

I haven't told DH about me looking for work because I know he will talk me out of getting a job. DC are 10,11 and 13. 10yrs and 11yrs can go to breakfast and after school club which is affordable or cycle home with 13yrs old as he is allowed to collect them( I only want to do this only when it an emergency). Their schools is 5mins from each other.

So my AIBU is should I tell DH I am looking for work or wait until I am offered the job to say I have gotten a job? Thank you for reading to the end :)

OP posts:
dinmin · 23/01/2024 23:10

Get him to pay for the necessities you are paying for and then you can spend that money on bubble tea etc without having to ask him

Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 23:11

Bananaspinkyglitter · 23/01/2024 23:04

The cost of things have hugely increased. I need you to put in additional £x each month as I don’t have the funds to do it .

He is your bloody husband and father to your children !!

Then get your job and don’t use it to pay for everything ! Save some money and ……LTB!

I moan about DH but if he ever has spare money he gives it to me for me and the children .

He will do this but stop after a while. I actually want to make him feel useless. If I don't ask him for money it's going to bother him but I am way pass caring about his hurt feelings.

OP posts:
Silverfoxette · 23/01/2024 23:14

I wish you well with the job. I went back to work almost two years ago after being SAHM for 13 years. it was tough getting back into it and I doubted my ability at the beginning but so worth it and great for my confidence.
I think it’s fantastic you are doing this for yourself.

Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 23:15

dinmin · 23/01/2024 23:10

Get him to pay for the necessities you are paying for and then you can spend that money on bubble tea etc without having to ask him

I was thinking the same but I don't have the energy to argue over money with him anymore. I am just happy I can earn my own money and provide for my without humiliating myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 23:17

Silverfoxette · 23/01/2024 23:14

I wish you well with the job. I went back to work almost two years ago after being SAHM for 13 years. it was tough getting back into it and I doubted my ability at the beginning but so worth it and great for my confidence.
I think it’s fantastic you are doing this for yourself.

Thank you. My mood has been so much better side I made the decision.

OP posts:
Jk8 · 23/01/2024 23:19

Crazy. Tell him your looking for work & expect £400 a month direct debited & if he chooses to leave/end the marriage go through cms

hellsBells246 · 23/01/2024 23:28

Curlewwoohoo · 23/01/2024 22:05

I'm all for you working if that's what you want. But I can't understand why you don't have a joint account. All money should be family money.

This

Theoldbird · 23/01/2024 23:38

This man is financially abusing you. Of course he's not going to want a joint account.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but ask him for a monthly allowance into your account, it is your right and your childrens. You can think of it as savings for the dc futures.

Op, well done on the job hunt. All power to you.

Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 23/01/2024 23:42

Theoldbird · 23/01/2024 23:38

This man is financially abusing you. Of course he's not going to want a joint account.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but ask him for a monthly allowance into your account, it is your right and your childrens. You can think of it as savings for the dc futures.

Op, well done on the job hunt. All power to you.

If I asked he will actually go withdraw the money and give it to me but I would prefer DD which he wouldn't want because the DD will be paid every month but he like to withdraw and give me cash so he can skip some months if I don't ask.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 23/01/2024 23:49

Another selfish man who thinks 'his goals' whatever they are trump your needs and his DC needs. He should be paying towards gas and electricity or doesn't he use any? Go for the job and I really hope you get it. Don't tell him how much you earn or he will simply reduce what little he gives you.

justasking111 · 24/01/2024 00:04

Is he saving up for something. Do you know how much he earns and his outgoings?

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 24/01/2024 00:11

Curlewwoohoo · 23/01/2024 22:05

I'm all for you working if that's what you want. But I can't understand why you don't have a joint account. All money should be family money.

Bit late for joint back accounts . After all
this time I hope OP keeps her own account when she gets a job.

crumblingschools · 24/01/2024 00:17

What does he do with any spare money?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 24/01/2024 00:42

This split of household bills sounds very off considering you've not worked in 13yrs.

Are you paying more out on monthly necessities than he is??

Why is he not paying utilities and food when as the sole-provider, he should be supporting his family?

I'm assuming he's not paying into a private pension for you for the last 13yrs either? But as long as he has savings for HIS goals, that's ok, yeah?

Honestly, I don't think it's right that you feel forced to get a job just because your husband won't fully provide for his family, especially as he's against you getting a job.

Do what's right for you, I'd address the amount you're expected to contribute to the household bills first though, before saddling yourself with a job as you know childcare and household responsibilities will still end up on your shoulders. If this doesn't get addressed, tell him he needs to send you X amount per month on Standing Order. This isn't right.

Iloveshoes123 · 24/01/2024 00:52

Yeah definitely get the job but I think you have bigger problems - your husband is a controlling prick.

Ladyj84 · 24/01/2024 00:55

Weird ours all goes in one account the bills gets transferred to another for direct debits and whats left for us and our kids. Doesn't matter that I'm a sahm we share all and neither questions the other

SunRainStorm · 24/01/2024 01:13

Financially abusive prick.

You'd be better off if you chucked him out and claimed maintenance.

Absolutely get the job and then inform him that you will be working, and he'll need to increase his non-financial contribution to the home and children.

Stop doing his laundry etc. you owe this man nothing.

"His goals" indeed. What goals?! What's more important than providing for his family.

TealSapphire · 24/01/2024 04:47

Good luck with the job it sounds great.

How much does he have in savings?

YankSplaining · 24/01/2024 04:57

I’m a SAHM too, and all money my husband makes is “our money.” I take care of our kids while he’s at work, so he doesn’t have to pay for childcare; I take care of things around the house so he doesn’t have to do it or hire someone. You have twice as many children as I do. Believe me, you’ve earned “his” money.

You shouldn’t have to get a job to have access to the money he makes, but if getting a job will improve your life, go for it. Best of luck.

Popcorn23 · 24/01/2024 05:13

Apply for the job (or others), but don't tell him until you have secured a job.

Everyone should have their own income stream independent of their partner if they can.

He should step up and support you. If he doesn't then you will be in a better place to decide if you want to be with him or not if you have secured a job for your own financial security

Goldbar · 24/01/2024 06:06

So he keeps most of his earnings for himself?!

And has done this while you've been financially struggling as a SAHP and doing almost all the unpaid labour?!

Get a job and kick him out!

Or don't wait that long - kick him out tomorrow and claim child maintenance.

Then divorce his arse and take half his savings. Tell him you need the money for your "own goals".

When you strip this situation back to its bare bones, this is honestly up there with the more serious cases of financial abuse (and there have been some bad ones) that I've read about on MN.

Sometimes it takes outsiders to say it - he has been abusing you.

Please take care.

Goldbar · 24/01/2024 06:09

And there is something about the way you write and your very measured response to his actions which downplays the seriousness of this situation and his actions. Which is why I think many posters are advising you as if you were in a non-abusive relationship and just having a few relationship issues. But that's not how I read your situation.

grafittiartist · 24/01/2024 06:36

But he can only work because you are doing all the childcare- it's a team.
One big pot here with joint access.

Original poster
Iamgoingtowork · 24/01/2024 06:44

justasking111 · 24/01/2024 00:04

Is he saving up for something. Do you know how much he earns and his outgoings?

I don't know how much he has in savings. He bought a car 3months ago.

OP posts:
Winterstormm · 24/01/2024 06:45

Why are you paying for the broadband, gas, electricity and water? He should be paying because he's the one working! I can understand you paying for some of the children's clothes with the child benefit, but he should be paying for their school dinners and trips etc. Definitely get a job but keep your account separate.