I want my own money

[Iamgoingtowork]

I have been a been a SAHM for the last 13yrs to my 4DC due to the oldest having additional needs. I all this time DH has worked full-time. He has been paid

Rent(housings Association)
Council tax
4 kids swimming lessons
Once in a while food shop(once every 2 or 3months)
Saves the rest of his income for his goals.

We qualified for tax credit and child benefits we went in my account because I didn't want to be completely at his mercy financially. I have used the tax credits to pay

Weekly food shop
Broadband
My phone and 2 kids contract(nothing fancy).
Gas and electricity(prepayment)
Water
Kids clothes, shoes including school uniform
School dinner,clubs and trips.

I have made sure the kids have never gone without due to how meticulous I was but due to inflation I have been struggling lately so I have decided to look for work even though DH is against it. He wants me to tell him when I don't have money but I find it humiliating to ask.

I have applied to so many places for part time work but I was always unsuccessful even though I scored high in all the other criteria (this is what I have been told after asking for feedback from the companies). After speaking to the 1 company because they were still advertising for the position they agreed to reconsider my application if I can work full-time 37hrs which I agreed. I have an interview on the 9thfeb.

I haven't told DH about me looking for work because I know he will talk me out of getting a job. DC are 10,11 and 13. 10yrs and 11yrs can go to breakfast and after school club which is affordable or cycle home with 13yrs old as he is allowed to collect them( I only want to do this only when it an emergency). Their schools is 5mins from each other.

So my AIBU is should I tell DH I am looking for work or wait until I am offered the job to say I have gotten a job? Thank you for reading to the end :)

We have not been sent the migration notice yet but have checked we wil be better off with me in work. I have thought about making the move but it will leave us at his mercy if I ask to be moved before I get a job

You do realise you are in a financially abusive relationship? The whole “I don’t want you to work” thing shows massive controlling tendencies. Ask him to share his money or get a job and get out.

I'm guessing you also have no pension provision either? Does he?
He should be putting some of the 'savings' each month into a pension in your name.

No you should have access to all money!

You got this. You have the measure of your husband and you have a plan. Go for it. I am glad you have some support in real life as well.
Your kids sound amazing and you are a great mum. All the best with the job interview and finding work.

I absolutely would not put my earnings in a joint account at this point. The only thing I would do is make sure that your husband does not pay less because you are working, and once you are settled into your job, consult a lawyer.

Half of his savings from the duration of the marriage and half of his pension if he has one actually belong to you for the marriage. I understand you not wanting the humiliation of constantly asking for money now, but do not be too proud to go after what is yours from the marriage - you have more than contributed by looking after the DC and enabling his comfortable life. And when you falter, remember that he bought a car (!!) when you were struggling to pay for necessities.

Very best of luck.

If your DH argues with you about you having a job, tell him that you're just thinking long term and about your eligibility for a pension. You don't want to be scrimping in your old age so you have decided that the kids are old enough now to be able to be left alone for a short while (while you're at work) and this is a long term project for the future.

Don't let him dissuade you from this.

Best of luck!

Will you definitely be better off working? You might not be if you lose the tax credits.

You'd 100% be better of financially as a single parent, you could work part time, still get TC, the child benefit, maintenance etc.

Good luck with the job! 🤞🏻
I agree, it's very demeaning to have to resort to asking for money.

What about your pension??!!

If he wants to keep the status quo he needs to pay you a much higher monthly allowance because the price of everything has increased so much - so eg an extra £300 every month, NOT as and when you ask for it and have to feel embarrassed.

However, he is being completely unreasonable not putting all the money into a family pot to look after everyone’s needs - he gets to save money towards his goals but you don’t? Even though the reason you don’t have money of your own is giving up work to look after HIS children. He is being completely selfish and not acting like a loving husband and father.

Absolutely get a job! On the grounds that you are entitled to look after yourself and your future just as much as he is. Then (assuming he won’t just pool all your money) split all the expenses according to your earnings eg he brings home 50k, you bring home 25k then he pays two thirds and you pay one third of all bills/food shop/kids clothes etc.

Most importantly, if you’re both working he has to share all the work that you were doing before to enable him to earn money while having four children - housework, school runs, etc etc etc

Tell him - don't ask.

We are going to set up a joint account and all money is going in there.

We pay all bills and family expenses out of this account. You both have a debit card to use for this.

Then you agree that you split what's left into personal spends for you both.

Or I'm getting a job and you now need to do half of all the domestic stuff and kids taxi and / or leaving you.

YANBU. This should be the first step that you need to get out of the relationship too as it doesn't sound good. Well done

He's sitting pretty isn't he? He has a stay at home wife who can pick up all the domestic work, the tax payer pays for his utilities and he gets to save money from his wage for his sole benefit.

Go get that job OP. Money won't just buy you more activities and treats for your children but it will buy you choice and freedom. Which is priceless.

I was a SAHM for 5 years.

DH salary paid every for bill/cost associated with our home and family.

We then each took the same amount for fun money out of our joint account.

We agreed I would keep the child benefit and put it in my pension so it wouldn't be as badly impacted later down the line.

Your DH is being unfair and I'd feel the same as you re asking. You're an adult. Not another one of his children.

I really hope you get the job it will make such a big difference to your self confidence

Do you actually want to stay with him if you know he’s financially abusive and controlling? Why?

Actually having read more I'm changing to say just bin him off.

Keep separate accounts.

Can you instead add up all bills then split percentage relevant to your tax credits? To work out the figure he needs to transfer you every month?

I am doing this to get my ducks in a row and I will be better off in the end.

I’m not sure why folks are saying she’d be better off financially if she left him and claimed cm. That’s highly unlikely that the amount of cm will house and feed and clothe them all and she’s currently unemployed, as they are in social housing and in receipt of benefits, ghere is a potential he isn’t a high earner, which limits again the amount of cm.

sure emotionally she would be better, but I am not seeing the logic in that she’d be better on cm.

This is a financially abusive situation OP

What’s normal is equal access to money, usually by it going into one account.

If you can’t tell him you want a job, he also sounds generally controlling.

I’d insist on marriage counselling

Getting a job is my first priority the LTB

Having read all your updates - You are obviously good at playing the long game Op, so if you think trying to change him is a waste of time, and you think leaving till the kids are gone is too tough, then I would have a plan to leave in 6 - 10 years.

Can you gradually get access to all his financial details and squirrel away money, so you can fund your leaving and get a proper divorce settlement?

If he doesn't want you to work he needs to set up a standing order and pay you a regular amount for your services to him and your home and children.

After checking I will be better of working with little to no cm, I am fine with this. I refuse to make myself anymore vulnerable than I already am

If she gets this job, she will be able to get more UC as a single parent, her rent is possibly low as she is in social housing and she may get extra as her DC has additional needs. I live in social housing, am a full time working single parent and my income including UC is £2200 a month, then I get £300 maintenance on top, my rent is only £500pm and I only have one child and no childcare costs so I manage fine.

This is my intention. I also want to protect DC am much as I can, my oldest has additional needs that he would not cope if I do it abruptly. He is doing very well at school and home.