I want my own money

[Iamgoingtowork]

I have been a been a SAHM for the last 13yrs to my 4DC due to the oldest having additional needs. I all this time DH has worked full-time. He has been paid

Rent(housings Association)
Council tax
4 kids swimming lessons
Once in a while food shop(once every 2 or 3months)
Saves the rest of his income for his goals.

We qualified for tax credit and child benefits we went in my account because I didn't want to be completely at his mercy financially. I have used the tax credits to pay

Weekly food shop
Broadband
My phone and 2 kids contract(nothing fancy).
Gas and electricity(prepayment)
Water
Kids clothes, shoes including school uniform
School dinner,clubs and trips.

I have made sure the kids have never gone without due to how meticulous I was but due to inflation I have been struggling lately so I have decided to look for work even though DH is against it. He wants me to tell him when I don't have money but I find it humiliating to ask.

I have applied to so many places for part time work but I was always unsuccessful even though I scored high in all the other criteria (this is what I have been told after asking for feedback from the companies). After speaking to the 1 company because they were still advertising for the position they agreed to reconsider my application if I can work full-time 37hrs which I agreed. I have an interview on the 9thfeb.

I haven't told DH about me looking for work because I know he will talk me out of getting a job. DC are 10,11 and 13. 10yrs and 11yrs can go to breakfast and after school club which is affordable or cycle home with 13yrs old as he is allowed to collect them( I only want to do this only when it an emergency). Their schools is 5mins from each other.

So my AIBU is should I tell DH I am looking for work or wait until I am offered the job to say I have gotten a job? Thank you for reading to the end :)

I have checked out, I can't be bothered to talk about money with him anymore.

I am always reminded how privileged I am that he doesn't expect me to work but at the same time reminded how hard he works for his money.

I don't have anything

If they're married ("DH"), she'll also be entitled to a chunk of the money he's been saving and will have a claim on his pension.

If he has lots of savings that will affect it too.

Press the rest button.

Close his bank accounts. Close your bank account. Move everything you have into a joint savings account with EQUAL ACCESS. Set up a current account which you both have a card for which all monthly funds go into and agree how much should be transferred every month into the joint savings account.

Job jobbed. He has no more right to any of his savings than you have. If you got divorced it would be 50/50. If he doesnt like it, submit a bill for all the hours you have worked as a SAHM and loss of future earnings.

Then sit back and see if he is still so happy to try to control whether or not you look for work. If he still wants you to stay at home then at least he is doing it with genuine motives of looking after the family and you can stop being so beholden to him for money. Its family money, not his, not yours.

He has enough savings so we don't get HB. I am more than happy to cover my half of the household expenses £2300

If he has enough savings to not get HB you won't qualify for UC. If you do nothing, and wait until the migration letter arrives you'll get the year protection.

As a family you need to be planning for this change.

Is the £2300 what you pay out from CB and CTC? Or is that the whole total? You really need to have a plan if there is a chance you will no longer be able to claim. (In X amount of time)

Just be careful op. If you're a couple and live together, even if you don't have joint finances, his earnings may mean you don't qualify for any after school club discount and also if he's earning over £50k then you may be liable to pay back some of the child benefit.

I didn't know its better to wait for the migration letter. I will do that. Thank you.

Total expenses 2300.

Just found the p60 which was used ro renew tax credits last year, he earned 28000

No, he shouldn't offer before you ask him. You should just have full access to the money in a joint account.

if he doesn’t want you working (not that it’s his decision at all) then all expenses and accounts should be shared. You should have equal access and not be restricted (obviously to a reasonable level) on what you spend.
If he’s controlling on money and won’t change, or just if you really want to work - then work. If you’re working FT, make sure he pitches in with chores/childcare too.

Why do you need to run out of money before getting any? Could you both agree that on his payday he transfers you X amount every month?
Or if you really want to work then just go for the job and if your working similar FT hours to him and earning similar you both go 50/50 on everything

He's on 28k with four children and a non working wife. Jakers that's spreading it thin I'm impressed if he can save and baffled why he doesn't want his wife to work. This is six people trying to survive.

This is his net pay

Now you have his net salary @Iamgoingtowork go do the maths. What the rent, council tax, energy, water rates are, rough food costs.

Then calculate your contribution and his.

Ok so he brings home approx 1876 a month

how much do you receive in benefits each month?

Also when you do the calculation of how much each of you have v spend. Make sure to do it fully, so it is fair, when you present it to him.

also take into account any commute costs, or sky, streaming services, insurance, lunch at work, etc

Apologies, this is only if you decide to not work at this point, and so keep things on an even keel.

If there is potential that you will not be able to claim UC post the one year protection period then you and your DH need to be discussing what your long-term plans are.

The other issues are separate to this.

Also car payments costs need to be accounted for

OP the way you have planned this mate….

You are a fantastic mother and my heart breaks with the amount of sacrificing you’ve had to do. It’s not just in what you’ve said, it’s in what you haven’t had to say.

Just so you know a new job will probably trigger a move to UC as it’s a “change of circumstances.” This should be within 35 days of your new employment or when your new employer tells them after your first pay period. Then follow what they tell you, which I think is a letter saying you’re moving to UC. Then there will be a 5/6 week wait for your first payment but there is an advance loan to tide you over which they will automatically take out of your UC payments.

Best of luck with leaving him and remember that you deserve every happiness.

Good luck with your job interview and definitely do not tell him, he is not supportive. Remember you are a very capable woman who has raised 4 children; don't doubt your ability to do the job, any job.

I completely understand why you have stopped asking for money and how you ended up where you have. The best part is that you already have an interview lined up, you are motivated, have researched the financial situation and so are informed. Best of luck to you, don't let anyone talk you out of taking any job.

You’ve obviously got your head screwed on and are playing this in a really sensible way so I’ve no more advice. You’re doing absolutely the right thing waiting until you get the job to tell him. I just wanted to say that I think you’re doing a fantastic job. You’ve managed to talk a potential employer into giving you a proper chance after years out of the workforce, you’re already pulling your weight financially on very little income and you’re dragging yourself out of an abusive dynamic with your husband rather than waiting for him to do the right thing by you. You are honestly an inspiration and you deserve the life you are building for yourself.

That’s the reason your husband doesn’t want you to have any financial freedom. He’s utterly terrified that you’ll realise that you are worth so much more than him and leave. I wish you and your kids all the luck and happiness in the world.