Boyfriend wants to take my friend out on a date

[MayNov]

So, trying to keep this one short. My friend from out of town is coming to stay with me for a few days. My boyfriend has met her and gone out with us the last time she was in town. My boyfriend has taken a couple of days off work to go out with us.

I've mentioned I was going to do a gym&swim on one of the days she's here (I can spend up to 4 hours gymming & swimming) and my boyfriend said he'll ask my friend whether she wants to go on a long walk and for a lunch at the local pub with him. I said that would make me feel uncomfortable, he said he doesn't see any reason why this would make me feel uncomfortable.

Aibu to insist this would make anyone feel uncomfortable?

Originally I thought the Op was being over dramatic and the boyfriend was being polite/welcoming to your friend. But the fact that he stayed up drinking with her when you went to bed (which is not ridiculously bad) combined with your friend explicitly saying that she hoped she could spend time with you without him gives off “something isn’t quite right here” vibes. I’d tell him that on the Thursday and Friday you would like to have time on your own with your friend. If he doesn’t graciously agree I’d have a few alarm bells ringing.

I’d be well pissed off if I went to visit my childhood friend who lives abroad - yes, I do have one! - and her partner (who I know fairly well) came with us the whole time! Fine for meals at theirs or if my dh came with, but on our own, no!
if I had to do your equivalent of gym:swim for health issues (I’m sure you could cut one session out, if you’re ill do you go?) I’d get a guest pass too and not go w your bf of 6 months. Not cos I’d be worried about him making a move, but it’d be as awks as hell!

Why is your bf taking days off for your friend coming? Is he friends with her too? Does he look forward to her coming?

It's very odd and quite rude that you would go to the gym when your friend is here. Give the gym a miss for one day as it's the polite thing to do and your bf won't be alone with your friend, simple!

OP has explained the gym & swim situ but I think OP maybe edit your 1st post if that’s possible to include the reason you need to go as it will hopefully stop the deluge of repetitive posts heading your way

I've just reas the OP'S other comments.

Tell your bf you will be having days/nights out with your friend on your own, there's no need for him to be there constantly especially since it's only a 6 months relationship and yous don't live together. Since reading the other comments I think it's even more odd your bf is taking time off and it sounds like your friend doesn't want him around at all.

Just tell him this is your time with your friend. Maybe have one dinner together with all of you and that's it.

And maybe on the next post include all info that's relevant.

Eh? Of course it wouldn’t bother me! Totally confused why it would bother you.

I think it's odd he's took two days off of work to spend time with you both. Talk about inviting yourself.

OP I've just seen your last message. Glad your friend has descided to join you.

Tell your boyfriend that you and your friend want a couple of the nights just you and her as you've lots of catching up to do and maybe one evening he could join you.

You don't live together and he shouldn't be assuming he will be spending the full duration of your friend's visit with the two of you!!

You've said after an abusive relationship you are having to learn to re trust, learn what's okay boundary wise etc. A boundary of "this weekend is for me and my friend to have lots of 1:1 time" is absolutely fine. His reaction to this perfectly reasonable request will be an interesting thing to observe. Maybe one or two slots of time with him joining you would be fine, but as your friend has jokingly and gently pointed out she has come to see YOU.

You said "next time" you will solve it. There's no reason you can't make this boundary for this time. Don't be reluctant to ask for this perfectly acceptable boundary.

I don’t understand why posters are suggesting op ask her boyfriend to book one day off rather than two, or just come out one evening…

Um, firstly don’t ASK, tell him he’s simply not invited. And secondly, he doesn’t have to be there for any of it if you and your friend preferred he wasn’t.

A simple “Dave, I’m not sure why you booked any time off, Jenny and I are going to be having a girls few days and you’re not invited. I’ll ring you when she’s back home and we can go out”.

OP, is your boyfriend usually so clingy? My first ever boyfriend was like this, it was very sufficating and he turned out to be abusive .

Also, if BF gets upset, I think OP is within her rights to refer to her previous relationship and the fact she is learning how to reinstate healthy boundaries etc.

Her BF should support this if he cares about her.

The thought of my DH taking time off work to spend with me & my friend for 3 days gives me claustrophobia.

Luckily, he wouldn't want to.

i believe most posters have got this all wrong. Your boyfriend is not doing a nice thing. He has either taken the time off because he is insecure and afraid of missing out, or he has designs on your friend. He hardly knows her. He’s not using up annual leave on her selflessly.

I feel sorry for you OP, coming on here for confirmation of your gut feeling and receiving some really rubbish advice (not all of it). I also feel sorry for your friend who clearly has no interest in going out with your boyfriend. I do think you should try to put that right if she is important to you. Get him to cancel his leave and you concentrate on doing some quality things just with her. Best of luck.

My Husband would definitely not waste his annual leave to spend time with me and my friend who are catching up.

Yeah he sounds really annoying. It seems likely he's got a little crush on her and it's clearly not recipricated. Who takes time of when their partner has a friend to stay? As he doesn't live with you, is he just expecting to be included in all your plans together? If she's staying for a few days I don't think it's odd for you both to have some down time. If I was her I'd be perfectly happy to go off and explore by myself, and having some dude insist on inviting me out would be annoying.

Came to the end to say just this, I think he’s got a little thing for the friend, no bf (especially of 6 months) would book days off work to spend with his gf and her mate, unless she asked him to but doesn’t sound like it, one day was enough but booking off the few days she’s visiting, eh no piss off 🙄 Out for a walk and lunch? Kinda sounds datey to me for 2 people who barely know each other and only met a couple of times!! The friends clearly zero interest in spending time with the bf so says a lot. Personally I’d say look because (friend) only gets to visit odd time she’d prefer if it was just the 2 of us most of the time, maybe meet the bf for lunch one of the days but there’s no way I’d be allowing him to invade all our time together. I’m baffled everyone else saying she’s BU hasn’t picked up on how odd the bf’s behaviour is, seems pretty obvious to me.

I’d be annoyed if I was your friend (with him gatecrashing, not the gym thing). Can you not tell him it’s better if he saves his holiday days for something else?

x

Absolutely

That’s even worse then -
WHY are you asking your question about “that long at the gym” if you say you’ve read the whole thread, @beanii 🤷‍♀️ there was a couple of detailed replies to that from the OP

Oh, he's cheating IN PLAIN SIGHT, thinking you won't notice is called : GASLIGHTING.
The actual ' action ' what he's doing is called ' TRIANGULATION' ( it's what immature people do to instill jealousy)
Dumping time.

Jeez your BF sounds like a stalker!
He's obviously got a huge crush on your friend, she sounds like she's not remotely interested in him thank goodness.

Dump him, keep her.

Your bf doesn't live with you. You can tell him not to come round.

I did think at first he was taking the time off because I did, but to be fair it's not great for my friend. Will hopefully handle it better next time.

So how did it all happen?

Did you take time off because your friend asked to visit & then he also took time off?