Boyfriend wants to take my friend out on a date

[MayNov]

So, trying to keep this one short. My friend from out of town is coming to stay with me for a few days. My boyfriend has met her and gone out with us the last time she was in town. My boyfriend has taken a couple of days off work to go out with us.

I've mentioned I was going to do a gym&swim on one of the days she's here (I can spend up to 4 hours gymming & swimming) and my boyfriend said he'll ask my friend whether she wants to go on a long walk and for a lunch at the local pub with him. I said that would make me feel uncomfortable, he said he doesn't see any reason why this would make me feel uncomfortable.

Aibu to insist this would make anyone feel uncomfortable?

It’s not a date, he’s keeping her company while you bugger off for 4 hours.

Don’t you trust them?

eta didn’t read full thread- next time boyfriend should stay at work.

Why would they be sat at the house together when he doesn’t live with OP and they’ve only been seeing each other for 6 months? He’s taken leave from work to butt into their time together and now jumped at a chance to spend time alone with the friend. He also previously stayed up drinking with the friend after the OP went to bed, and the friend doesn’t want to spend the one-on-one time with him now.

Plenty of reason to raise eyebrows at his behaviour.

Taking time off to go to IKEA? I think we have to question your judgement there. 😉

To be fair, few things are more hellish than IKEA on a weekend.

Well, except Costco.

I feel sorry for him, sounds like he was just trying to be nice and spend time with you and someone you care about.

I wouldn't dream of taking time off work to spend it with my new (hypothetical) boyfriend and his friend.

It's weird.

Tell him to go work, OP.

Yes I agree - maybe it does need looking into

Not a date. He entertaining your friend. If you think that's a date you have issues. Yabu.

Maybe make plans to do something else, just you and your friend and let him know you’d like to spend time together on your own. It is a little strange that he thinks he needs to muscle in on your friendship like this.

I also think it's weird that he just assumed you would both want to spend the days with him. I would not like this at all.

Nah, I think she can just see what most people can see - that it is weird and a red flag.

My question OP is whether you’re taking time off work to spend with your friend? If so isn’t it more likely your bf taking time off to spend with you?

If that’s the case then I don’t see what is odd about entertaining your friend and himself while you’re busy. I mean what else are they going to do? Po-facedly watch TV at home because you’ve banned them from the park in case they flirt?

She's not banned anyone, she's simply stated that she feels uncomfortable. She hasn't even told her boyfriend yet, because she's questioning her own feelings, and we're already running with the control narrative.

And what effect will stating she feels uncomfortable have? They can’t go out for a walk or eat lunch, so they will just sit at home right?

She has told her bf btw.

Good, she communicated her feelings to him. I don't see the issue here at all.

She hasn't banned anyone, she hasn't accused anyone.

I think there’s a bit of confusion. She has told him her friend is visiting, she hasn’t told him she’s feeling uncomfortable. As far as we know

Now you've given more information OP, I do think it's a bit odd.

You've been with your BF for just six months and you don't live together, yet, after meeting your friend the last time she visited, he's now taking time off to be with her the two of you when she visits again.

Hmmm....

It’s ridiculous that he’s taking time off work so he can be there when your friend who he hasn’t known for more than a few hours comes to visit you. She’s not visiting him. She’s made it clear she isn’t interested in spending time with him. Him tagging along like a gooseberry is going to be seriously irritating for her because she won’t be able to talk to you about anything without his nose sticking in.

It’s only been six months that you’ve been with him: you need to put your foot down and make it clear that he’s overstepping. You say you’ve been in an abusive relationship, so there’s a risk that you can’t see - or can’t assert yourself when you see - a man starting to muscle in on what should be time with your friends or ignoring your wishes or telling you that he’ll be doing things as opposed to asking you.

It should be easy (in a happy relationship) to say, “Sarah has said she’d really like some time with just me as we don’t see each other often. Can you tell your work you won’t need to take time off in the day? Join us for drinks on the Monday night for a few hours instead.”

Still shaking my head that he’s taken annual leave to spend time tagging along all day when you see your friend who he barely knows. You’ve not even been together long. That’s plain weird.

Going to IKEA is a benign activity.

Taking time off to spend with your (relatively) new girlfriend and her friend - when you haven’t even been invited, and are quite distinctly unwelcome, by at least one party - is downright weird.

It's not for him to decide to take time off work, he should have asked you if you'd like him to do it. Anyway, you can let him know that you'll be busy with your friend, so not to plan to spend time with you both. If he tries to bulldoze your plans then be very wary. Does he have strong opinions on how you should behave/ look / spend your time?

You don't need to explain or convince him. It's your friend, and you and your friend can both decide how to spend the trip. To be frank, she's not using her annual leave and money and time to see him, it's you she wants to see. Yes it can be nice to meet boyfriends, but you're only six months in.

Personally I'd also let her know that if she was ever uncomfortable with any of your boyfriends, that you'd want her to be able to talk to you about it.

He's got a sweat on for her, she has realised this and a) doesnt like it and b) doesnt seem to feel comfortable with him.

The fact that he is seeing you but rushing to take time off when she visits means that you should keep the friend (what she said about not telling him next time comes under "many a true word spoken in jest"), and get rid of the boyfriend. He is not loyal or indeed faithful given half a chance/

Surely I’m not the only one thinking this, am I?!

I suspect that he might have dropped very heavy hints, but not convinced that he made a pass as if the friend is as good as she appears, surely she would have told the OP.

But obviously he did or said something that made her feel uncomfortable in his presence.

@MayNov Are you close enough to her to tell her his plan to ask her out while you are at the gym? Do you think that she would be horrified and say no? If so I would be inclined for you both to just let him get on with it, for her to blow him out and have a go at him for his behaviour, then you dump him!

But I have no patience with dickheads like this ime, they need a short sharp lesson.

I think it’s a good idea letting him know you’ve told her of his offer but she’s chosen to go to the gym with you and gauge his reaction, if he’s disappointed etc.