That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment?

[mrsfinch6]

Dropping DS5 and DS3 off at nursery this morning when the nursery manager took me aside and wanted to “discuss an incident that happened yesterday” I was a bit confused because when I had collected them both the day before everything was fine.

The “incident” was that there is a little boy at nursery with shoulder length, curly blonde hair, and DS3 has been calling him a girl.

The parent of this child went into nursery this morning to report to the staff that my DS was calling him a girl. The nursery manager wanted my assurances that I would be firm with DS at home and have “the conversation” regarding this.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

Please Mumsnet delete this thread, stop giving air time to this person. If a genuine poster then she needs to address her inadequacies

First of all, are you being honest? You sure you didn't assume?

That apart I am not saying hair length causes issues. I was using it as an example of gender stereotypes whilst questioning the prevailing philosophy of whether they are in every way a good thing.

The idea about hugging first occurred to me when I was watching a televised political debate a handful of years ago. There were three women and two men on the panel, all from different parties. At one point the chairman (who was a woman) asked them to try and negotiate together. I was interested that the women, who were by no means political allies, formed a huddle physically excluding the men. It wasn't a hug, They linked arms in a circle. It reminded me of my female colleagues at work who routinely hugged women but not men. this was in a female dominated work place. I was HR and had to review the situation. I decided that although discriminatory it was understandable.

I see that you would have not given those women the protection that I did.

Apologies about this tangential point, but you did ask.

Your son is teasing others and you’re refusing to support the school. Pathetic

Yeh, to be honest I agree. I was so sure this must be a reverse. What is wrong with people?! I have 2 little boys with long blonde hair, and they have never had any issues with the kids at school - why would they?! Just like if a girl had a picie cut, I wouldn't expect kids to be telling her she's a boy! Or is a girl was wearing blue, or if a boy was wearing pink. Stop reinforcing these ridiculous stereotypes.

It sounds like he has been calling this little boy a girl in a way that is meant as an insult - thats not ok

All you need to say to him is some boys have long hair, some girls have short hair

Making assumptions when you don't know based on stereotypes is not wrong (at one point my youngest had long hair and sometimes people thought he was a girl but when he told them he was a boy they accepted it) but once you have been corrected, or you already know then accept the fact, not what they look like

Why is DS5 at nursery and not school?

Maybe OP is in Scotland

Do you have FIVE years of nursery fees in Scotland? That's so shit! I'm sorry!!

@PurpleNarwhale

Yes 🥲

Skipped to the last page as I was sure it would be a reverse. Seems not.

OP YABVU.

I agree this is very depressing and the first step as to how kids become bullies. Their parents defend them.

Is it that your child has used female pronouns to describe this male child? Rather than having said “X is a girl?” My 6 year old ND child regularly gets pronouns mixed up and even if he knows the child is a boy he’d still likely say “she” regardless of the hair issue.

I wonder if it’s a communication issue rather than a hair issue.

Amazed that in 2024 a boy having long hair is so controversial.

Think everyone needs to stop splitting hairs 😂

No, the op has been clear that her son thinks boys can only have short hair, and has specifically made comments of this kind to child.

Mixing up he/she would be normal at 3, just like mixing up yesterday and tomorrow or peoples names- that isn’t what has happened here.

@ReadytoFly

In no way do I think that a 3 year old deserves to be teased or made to feel sad at nursery for any reason.

However as I have said previously it is less usual for 3 year old male children to have long hair, and the parents should be realistic that other children mistaking them for girls is going to happen.

In response to everyone else.

When I said "quite rightly" I meant "understandably"

My DS doesn't know any adult males with long hair or adult females with short hair and quite frankly I've never had to discuss it with him as it's never come up. Just like I don't discuss religion in relation to hair length with him because it's not an appropriate conversation to have with a 3 year old.

I think some of the comments on here calling my DS a bully are absurd. Luckily I'm thick skinned (and fat and stupid according to one poster😂)

I've had the conversation with him and moved on. If it happens again then it will become a more serious conversation but I'm happy with the way it's been handled.

Thanks MN for giving me a good laugh. Most folk on here really are batshit.

FGS YABU

Stop pushing gender stereotypes onto your sons

But your original posts definitely did not suggest "mistaking" someone for a girl....but calling them a girl.
That sounds a lot more like ingrained stereotypes than just not knowing anyone with long hair.
Most kids do not struggle with this.

This.

I’d be seriously worried if my toddler son already had ingrained sexist stereotypes (because it does sound like he was using ‘girl’ in a derogatory terms) in his head.

When I said "quite rightly" I meant "understandably"

Well when you said “quite rightly” people assumed you meant quite rightly.

If you say some thing completely different to what you mean then, understandably, that’s going to change the replies you get.

My DS is 4, has long hair, gets mistaken for a girl sometimes 🤷🏽‍♀️ but it’s 2024, boys have long hair, it’s a none issue…. He’s a boys boy through and through….. he’d let another child say it a few times, if it’s full on teasing he’s likely to retaliate…. If this happened and the other parent hadn’t pulled their kid up about bullying I wouldn’t pull mine up about retaliatory actions

so when your child come home upset don’t expect sympathy understanding or support from the other parent because you’re giving none

YABU

*NotQuiteNorma · Today 19:08

I think the other parents need to take at least some ownership here. He isn't their flipping dolly. You have to wonder if they might want to consider if their own obvious desperation for a long haired little girl might be having a negative impact on the visual perception of their little boy. I knew one mother so desperate for her son to be a daughter that she even dressed him in girls clothes. Maybe have his hair cut if it troubles them so much that other children think he looks like a girl. He's going to get the absolute piss ripped out of him in main stream school just because they think he looks 'cute*

Well as someone who had a ds with waist length hair as a child and has kept his long hair as an adult I can assure you I never treated him as a dolly. Nor was I desparate for a long haired dd I had one of them already

As for getting the shit ripped out of him at senior school. That didn’t happen.

The only people who had a problem with ds having long hair were women who would send their children over to ask him if he was a boy or a girl and then tell him that as a boy he should have short hair

He soon put them and their children in their place

RubyBon I think ds would have probably nutted anyone who thought they could bully him

@mrsfinch6 where the fuck do y live for your child to have never seen a woman with short hair?! As if.

Oh do calm down.

I meant within his immediate family and the people he interacts with, not randomers at Asda that he pays no attention to because he is THREE

I say again, I discovered before entering school that boys and girls were biologically different and what that looked like externally. I didn't need hair styles to help me differentiate.

Pink is for girl, blue is for boys! Girls wear dresses.
Are you also telling him that men work and the ' little lady' stays at home!
Only reason your child thinks like this is because of your ignorance to the world we live in.

My DS age 4 has shoulder length hair and also likes colourful clothes - rainbows, stripes, tie-dye etc. So he regularly gets mistaken for a girl by both adults and children. I've talked to him about how he wants to / wants me to address this. If I'm there, I say something like "oh, he's a boy. I know, the long hair is confusing!" If I'm not there, he says something like "I'm a boy, I just have long hair". We've talked about how to correct people respectfully and mirror their expression and tone of voice, so if someone is being overall kind but has made a mistake, you can correct them in a kind voice with a smile. If someone is being rude, it's OK to be a bit brusque back.
If a child at nursery accidentally called him a girl neither he nor I would think anything of it. If the child was insisting that he was a girl despite being told he was a boy he would be really upset, and I would be pretty pissed off with that kid's parents.
Something makes me think the OP's child didn't make a one-off accidentally comment and then accept the correction 🙄