I want to be called Nonna but….

[Moira1951]

I’ve been told Nonna is unacceptable by my son as they want my first ever grandchild (at 73) to call me granny. I don’t want to be called granny, do I have a choice as to what I’d like to be known as?

My DS asked me and also my DSS. To my DS I said 'grandma' to DSS that I would be called by my name, as his DCs already had two grandmothers and a great-grandmother. Nice to be asked but I would not have chosen a foreign word that makes no sense in English (and I HATE Nana - which was anyway not available as this is what one gran is already called - makes me feel like a nanny). However, I would have back-tracked had DS or DSS demurred.

Your grandchild may well come up with their own nickname for you. My kids call their grandmother "Darlin". Can't even remember how it came about now but it stuck and she's Darlin 🤷‍♀️

I think grandparents get to pick what they are called.

But they feel that you do. That's really clear from what you've said, and how they're behaving.

I've got no skin in this game; I was just trying to be helpful. They're clearly pushing back and I didn't want you to risk seeing them even less. I was hoping posting might help you see that they consider you to be overstepping, even if you don't. It sounds like they're already not making much of an effort, and doing a monthly obligation visit. In my experience, that's only a few steps away from meeting up just before Christmas.

@Moira1951 YANBU, have to told them how you really don’t want to be known as Granny? That you’ll accept Nana, but for whatever reason as it’s you being referred to, you’d prefer a name that doesn’t grate

I would push back on this tbh, it’s you they are naming, and you do have to be comfortable with it.

Oh god, how tiresomely special everyone is these days. When I was a child a good friend has a DGM called "Gags" who was a tiresomely boring and special person who couldn't possible called "grandma" like everyone else. I thought Gags was an utter pain in the arse, of course.

That is adorable ❤️

@Springforward19 I think you are mistaken about what that Rhyme means, or rather what it doesn't mean.

It doesn't mean that daughters continue to hold their mothers in their hearts above everyone else. It just means that most daughters who have had loving and caring mums, don't suddenly start treating their mums like something the cat brought in, whereas many (but not necessarily most - I don't know of any statistics that cover that complex subject) DiL's do sadly appear to treat their MiL's as if their MiL's sole purpose in life is to make their DiL's lives shit.

Maybe many SiLs don't distrust or hate their parents-in-Laws, and maybe that is because most men don't find their MiLs, or indeed their FiL's, a threat like many DiL's seem to. I have been a DiL twice over nearly 50 years, and an avid eclectic reader of both fiction and none fiction, and unfortunately, Spring that silly little rhyme does seem to have some truth to it. My most dear and sadly long departed Mum, never changed from being the best Mum ever, but of course when I grew up and had children I wanted to live and spend the rest of my life with my husband, which didn't stop me from still holding my Mum in the highest esteem.

Our mothers were usually both Daughters and DiLs as well, as were their mothers etc.
So that rhyme, which is probably quite old, may show us that Son-in-Laws and Daughter-in-Laws have often had quite different opinions of their parents-in-Law, for quite a long period of time. Many old nursery rhyimes tell us quite a lot about the history of the time they first arose...

It's up to you, not the child's parents.

And my GDG calls me by a foreign 'grandmother' name.

I think it's basically a case of everyone else should butt out.

It is strange - but I would love to be called Abuela - I'm not Spanish!. I have just heard it on tv programmes and really liked it. I wouldn't ask though because it is a bit (lot) cringe

Agree with this. It's natural for a daughter to gravitate towards her own mother with the children. To be fair though, at least in my opinion, this shouldn't be to the detriment of the paternal Grandparent s who deserves the same degree of contact if both GPs live within a similar distance and both have a desire to be there for the family with childcare etc.

My DD's had a Nonna (Italian), Michael (my stepfather, so not related, but the only GP they had known, but still known by his first name). Grandad and Nan (Midlands). I had a Nonna (Italian), and a Grandmother (stern old lady from East Anglia).

Sorry OO, but I would find it odd to call yourself Nonna if you you are not Italian. By the way, it means the same thing, regardless of what you call yourself

They are moving away because the type of house they want, they can’t afford where they are! Simple as that. I had a totally domineering, dictatorial, spiteful MIL myself so I have done everything to be the absolute opposite! I never interfere, I suggest pub lunches or ask them over because I’m never invited there! They are busy! Well so was I, but visited my mum and disagreeable MIL regularly. Anyway I think all possible avenues have been discussed, and the purpose of the original post was my choice of granny name. It seems a 50/50 split of opinion, so I’ll compromise, but won’t be Granny!

I think it's up to you what you want to be called really- I just asked my mum and dad what dd should call them when she was born and they chose Grandma and Grandad. My inlaws are referred to as Yaya and Papouse as they had a home in Cyprus at the time where we visited them when dd was little- it wasn't a conscious choice and just started as a joke but the names have stuck and they love it now.

Why should it be obligatory? Is there no chance I may be likeable? I’m not overstepping I hardly see them. When they come here they are made very welcome, even tho since my husband died I find entertaining difficult. Anyway enough said. My friend who is an absolute self sacrificing saint has had terrible treatment from all three of her kids, not saying mine are terrible btw just in case I’m misunderstood, so maybe it’s a generational thing!

I think I know this woman.

@Moira1951 you actually sound lovely. And I think you're suffering a bit from the way I feel from time to time.. that you are last in line whenever inter generational feelings are concerned. I have grown up children and we really do all love each other to bits. But oh my I often feel like a bit of a mug!
I was someone who said down thread that you were lucky to be a grandmother (still true) and ought to perhaps just suck up the name thing. Having pondered, I do actually have sympathy. And think maybe it is a bit weird that a name is being imposed on you. No solutions. But I hope everyone can mellow a bit for you. Life is too short to get het about this kind of stuff xx

I think you sound lovely too @Moira1951. I think adult kids can sometimes be very selfish. Maybe the answer is to be a bit less accommodating and a bit more honest either way your son about how you are feeling. It won't kill him to hear it and might give him food for thought! You have every right to be considered - you are as important a person as his wife and a son who treats you without care or consideration needs to hear some home truths, frankly.

Nanny is so close to Granny and Nonna, I can't see why either party wouldn't accept it.

It's a compromise.

‘Bagum ’ is great, @muchalover. I knew a woman who intended being Grandma but ended up as Barbar, which she loved. Am not and will not be a grandmother (this is actually a good thing in the circs) but since I was ‘Evil Auntie Sturgeon’ for many years, I could have ended up as anything

I think the OP has had an undeservedly rough time on this thread and feel her son would benefit from a hearty kick up the arse.

Hi. They are in their little bubble, and I won’t do anything to burst it, I’d just like a little consideration. I don’t think they realise it’s upsetting, they are just so excited about the baby and caught up with all it entails. I’ll try and compromise but not by being called granny. It’s a blessing to have a grandchild on the way at last, I’m 73 so I’ve waited a long time.

For those whose children came up with names for grandparents, what did you all do in the first year to eighteen months when the children couldn't properly speak? How did you refer to the grandparents in the children's company ?

Thank you so much. I try my best but it’s not always easy. It’s a first baby and they are very excited and I won’t do anything to spoil that. I’m sooo happy for them, I just would like a bit of choice in what I’m called. I’m 73 so I’ve waited a long time for this precious baby xx

We asked what PIL wanted to be called - they choose Nana & Pops & that's what they are.

We asked my mother what she wanted to be called and she wasn't too fussed but opted for Grandma. Not to be. DS decided she was Gamma and it stuck and suited (she was a Maths professor). DS1 is 21 and DD is 19 and Gamma is still Gamma!