I want to be called Nonna but….

[Moira1951]

I’ve been told Nonna is unacceptable by my son as they want my first ever grandchild (at 73) to call me granny. I don’t want to be called granny, do I have a choice as to what I’d like to be known as?

@bluefrog11

why does Op need to be grateful to have a grandchild on the way? Like why grateful specifically ?

Same to you hun. Perhaps next time you could use your words like a big girl.

My mom would have been horrified to be referred to as Granny when she first became a grandparent at 50,even now age 75 she would hate to be called Granny!
It was always Nanny,then when the kids got older it was,and still is Nan.

Sadly not everyone is blessed with Grandparents who care deeply & want to be involved. In the same respect its not all Daughters-in-law who positively nurture her children's relationship with their paternal Grandparents. Unfortunately there is often jealousy on both sides with the son/husband stuck in the middle. Regardless of the situation a Mil can be an angel or a devil. One thing is for certain despite what he may say a son would in the vast majority of cases walk to the end of the earth for his mother so far better to try and respect each others place in the family & get on.

From your updates OP, I’m wondering if you want to have a “special” name in order to try and create a special connection with your grandchild given that you and your son have drifted apart? Is this coming from a sense of insecurity? Do you think you would feel this strongly if you and your son were as close as ever and they were not moving away?

It might be worth exploring that thought a little. And if this is about that then consider how to repair that rather than waste emotionally energy worrying about a name.

Given that you won’t be with this child week in, week out, you will have no influence at all over what the child calls you. Your son and DIL may not want to compromise. You will be lumbered with whatever they refer to you as and you won’t be around regularly enough to correct them.

This is a really weird answer.

So if your name was Anne but the parents wanted the kids to call you Rebecca that would be ok because they're the parents?

Or if you identify female but they want the child to use different pronouns that would be ok because parents rule all?

No. I think people all get to choose their own names which they wish to be called and present themselves to the world as.

Whether you'll succeed in getting the GC to call you something different to what the parents want, given the relative amounts of time each spend with the child, is a different matter, but in my view everyone gets to decide what they wish to be called for themself.

I think nonna is lovely.

I have always believed that the grandparent picks. Sometimes it morphs because of the little ones.

That is because that is how it has happened in my family. We have a GG, nana, nanny, Grandad, Pops, first name. It all just works.

I think Nonna sounds pretentious, when you're not Italian, sorry

You sound bloody lovely and I would love to have you as a MIL. You could call yourself whatever you wanted, shows you have a personality ;-)

Wow. Why are you telling a woman to bend over backwards and become a kind of ‘nothing’ person to be renamed by her son?

My childrens grandparents chose what they wanted to be called - they’re being incredibly controlling telling you what name to use.

Totally agree

I've mentioned this thread to my Italian dad and funnily enough he told me that my own Nonna (fully born and bred Italian) didn't like the idea of being called Nonna because she was relatively young when she became a grandmother and thought of it as an old fuddy name and he says she was coming up with lots of random ideas like Ninni, in the end she was called Nonna by all her grandchildren.

And die suddenly and leave them everything in your will.

Agree with this.

My English DGM was Nanna and that worked well. Took them a few months to land on it with her first grandchild. But there were reasons for this - she lost her own mother very young. Then her loving maternal grandmother got banished away by her far less loving SM - so as you can imagine her association with ‘Grandma’ were complex and not just due to the age thing

Yeh, I think it’s weird.

I let my mum choose what my dc, her grandchildren would call her. I don't know why anyone would make an issue out of this! I agree that it's controlling of your son OP to wade in and say you're not allowed to choose.

I dont see why parents would not want their parents to be called by a name they are comfortable with?

@Uricon2

exactly!!

do you know what happens when we become too selfless? We disappear.
lots of women seem happy for that to happen to other women especially those over a very age. I’m not.

Oh yeah I forgot, you have to give them loads of money. If you have a bigger house than they do you should also give it to them.

I meant to add to this, rest assured you may feel your son is more distant from you while he is concentrating on his wife & new baby & all it involves & rightly so. By the sound of it if you were once extremely close that's because you were & are a wonderful mother. His feelings for you will never change.

Equally, why would a grandparent want the child's parent to use a name that they are also not comfortable with?

It needs to be a compromise.

Baffled by the posters saying that it's controlling for you to come up with a name you'd love - but it's somehow not controlling for your son to tell you what you'll be called, potentially for years on end?!

So they both just want to be in control?

I mean to me it seems odd that either would care so much about it.

I'm so sorry @Moira1951 that your son is not as close to you as he once was. There is, unfortunately, some truth in that saying:
"Your Son is your Son 'till he gets him' a wife, (but) your Daughter's your Daughter for the rest of your life".

I am also a Grandmother on my sons' sides.
Of course I don't know your DiL, and I don't want to talk about DiL's in general on here in the same way that far too many DiL's talk about their MiL's - with dislike, disrespect, and in fact what often seems to be hatred.
But to me the bells that are ringing are saying that yes you are right that you and your son were very close, but I am sad to say that many wifes appear to hate and/or feel threatened by that closeness. Of course your son should always put his wife before you - just as I expected my husband to put me before his mum - and I don't know if any blame (if there is indeed any blame) should fall mainly on your son's side for not making it obvious enough to his wife that she is the most important person in the world to him (until the baby comes along!), or whether his wife is more to blame for not understanding that her husband can still love you, without it being a threat to her? I am not missing out the fact that maybe many MiL's also might have to accept some of the potential blame, if they haven't realised or accepted that their son has a new leading lady in his life, and that that is exactly how it should be.

I think that your son has probably had his wife trying to demand the most and best of his attention - maybe especially since she got pregnant - because she doesn't yet have confidence in the fact that she is now his number in everything. I think that when your son is 'laying down the law' he is mainly doing his wife's bidding, and as that probably makes him feel at least a bit guilty to be telling you things like, what you are to be called by your new Grandchild, and then when he can see that he is riding roughshod over your feelings, it might make him appear a little cold/cross/grouchy because of that guilt.

All of you (includes your son and his family), and all of us, are only human. We have all had different experiences in our lives, we all have things that are more important to us than other things. We all have to make our own decisions and choices. I know that you already know all of that OP, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves about the things we know. Please do not always give into the things/ways that your DiL and now your son dictates, you should not let them control your life, but do, whenever possible give them a calm and reasonable explanation about why you are disagreeing with them on any given occassion, and just continue trying to treating them all with love, compassion, and understanding. I think as mothers and mother-in-laws we have to be the bigger people and not argue (angrily) with them, even when we can see that they are making a decision that we think they will regret!

I hope I haven't tread on too mamy Mumsnetters toes while typing this 🫤

Sorry, I am not sure how to copy somebody’s post.

i wanted to agree with the poster who said that Nonna is not what is used in the Stoke area and it is just the accent. Phonetically it would sound ‘nun-ar’ or ‘Nan-ar’ being spelled Nanna.

My own mother was ‘Grandma’ and her mother (still alive at the time) was called Grandma Cakes. She liked making cakes 🤣