I want to be called Nonna but….

[Moira1951]

I’ve been told Nonna is unacceptable by my son as they want my first ever grandchild (at 73) to call me granny. I don’t want to be called granny, do I have a choice as to what I’d like to be known as?

I think it's really sad that the son is distancing himself from his widowed mother. I don't think this is all the OP's fault - the son isn't sounding very nice here. It's not reasonable to dictate someone else's name. He's making a choice to move away and is sidelining his mum. None of that is good.

I don't understand why it's anyone else's choice what you are called by them?

My mum is nanny at her request.

It’s nanny/nan/ nanna around these parts of Cork. My mum didn’t like those as she thought they were old fashioned so she is granny< firstname>.

Why is it?
How many English children have 'foreign' first names these days?

Why should it be different for parents or grandparents?

I think in reality, what will happen is that the child will attempt to say Granny and say something else, and that will end up being your name. So I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

I do think the parents get a say- my MIL wanted Nan and I passionately hate it, so we pivoted to something similar.

If you’re Italian go for it. If not just be grateful you’ve got a grandchild on the way. My MIL is grandma, my mum is nanny.

As the paternal grandma you’re in a weaker position anyway (typically) do just smile, offer advice if asked and do as you’re asked.

Hell no I would never be nan or nanny or gran. My kids wouldn't make me either.

I wanted to be my name that no one calls me since my parents died but my DD said that due to her challenges with her now exH family she wanted that "title" of grandma. However, once he is old enough he can use the name I preferred 😀

Initially he called me Bagum anyway 🤣

Maybe the DiL doesn't want to?

Maybe it's not down to the OP to repair?

This 100% If you're a granny, then you're ageing and you just need to deal with it.

Some people here go into detective mode whenever a mother in law or older woman dares to disagree with their younger relatives.

Sometimes families drift apart and it can’t always be the older woman’s fault.

Could it be that the son and daughter-in-law are entitled and uncaring? That would be an unfair assumption but some posters seem determined to make assumptions about OP.

We don’t know so I wish people would stop implying that any family drifts are the OPs fault.

OP I’d say don’t answer any nosy questions about your family relationships the anti-older woman brigade are just looking for sticks to beat you with.

Don’t feel you have to be called a name you dislike- as I said earlier call your son sonny and see how he likes it.

Absolutely agree with this.

I was in my sixties when I became a granny. I love the title, I don’t think it’s harsh at all. It reminds me of my late mum and my own granny, and has a loving kindness connection for me. I much prefer it to nana, nanny (that’s a paid job or a goat), nan, or in this area, nan nan. My kids assumed I’d be granny, and I’m glad, a nod to the memories of their own grannny.

Each to our own I suppose.

Must admit I'm a tiny bit at the idea we should all be grateful for becoming grandparents. It sounds like it might be more hassle than it's worth, dealing with dictatorial parents of said babies, and being expected to walk on eggshells, in case these chippy people take offence and withhold contact!
Sometimes conflict isn't the mil's fault and yet she's expected to never rock the boat or point out to her son/dil that she's a real person too, either thoughts and feelings and entitled to a little respect and consideration too.

Caveating my response by stating that I'm not originally British, so I may not get the ins and outs of 'choosing a name for grandma/granny/whatever'... (In my two native countries/languages, I've never heard of any discussion ever pre-birth or even after about what to call relatives, nicknames emerge naturally).

Why don't you just suggest being called 'Moira1951' ie your normal name, if you don't want to be called granny? Feels like the obvious solution to me (I have a number of friends using that, not in the UK).

Because it’s really up to the widowed mother to bend over backwards to sort out any family problems- isn’t it?

This forum is fast becoming like ‘the stocks’ for any older woman who dares have an opinion or even a personal preference.

You only really get a say if the parents ask what you’d like to be called. It’s normal to get a choice of common names (gran, grandma, nanna etc.) but it’s a bit weird to ask for something from a culture you’re not a part of.

Luckily my parents and in-laws were all happy to choose from the above and I was happy for them to have a say in what we called them to DC (step grand parents are also involved so it made sense to use different terms). I would probably have said no if any had asked for Nonna though. It feels attention seeking and I honestly couldn’t be bothered to explain that my mum/mil just fancied being different when people assumed an Italian connection.

Please don’t compromise- it’s not up to any one else to rename you!

Everybody's ageing whether they're a grandparent or not.

OP made the mistake of using the term 'cutesie' and it's got some posters riled up because, how dare she? Pathetic of them, not of her.

OP, don't be held hostage. If your son and daughter in law move away, that's what they intended to do. It will be their child's loss if they don't maintain a relationship with you. Your son sounds hectored; his loss too.

I think kids choose what to call people tbh.

Very well said !

@Hoardasurass

yeah op everything is up to the parents, you don’t get a say even on things like what the child calls YOU, even though it’s going to be YOUR name YOU don’t get a say. You have to do everything they want otherwise they will go no contact with you and you won’t have a relationship with your grandchild. Oh but at the same time you have to make yourself constantly available for childcare at any given time.

When I had my children, I asked the grandmothers what they preferred to be called. In the end, one of them ended up being named something totally different by my first son (a cute version of her first name because he couldn't say it properly), and she's been known by that name for the last 20 years. So don't give up hope yet OP...one of your grandchildren may save you (especially with a chocolate bribe)
😁

Her posts are not resentful. She’s describing the current situation- if anything she sounds like someone who is not being treated very well to the extent that her own son thinks he has the right to tell a woman, his own mother, what her name should be.

Isn’t there some acceptable compromise somewhere? Gran or Nan? Maybe Granny Nonna. 😂

I don’t think you should have to answer to a name you don’t like, but I also don’t think your family should have to refer to you by a “grandmother name” that they find silly, either. There was some celebrity who wanted her grandchildren to call her Glamma - as in, glamorous grandma - and I wanted to throw up. If either of my kids’ grandmas has wanted something like that, it would have been a “hell no” from me.

Damn right.