Have I been unreasonable to teach my DC the correct terminology for their body parts?

[Coffeeandteaplease]

I have NCed. This post briefly mentions a history of trauma

I have a DS who is 3 (very nearly 4) and a DD who is nearly 1.

Today while bathing my DD my DS was with us and asked me if she just had a bum. He said he has a penis/willy and looked at her and said she has a bum?' were his words. He was just curious and noticing that his sister looks different to him - I don't see a problem with that. My DH in the other room shouted through and told me I should tell him my DD has a 'flower'?! I said 'what!! I am not telling DS that! It's not true!' Anyway, I told him she has a vagina as she is a girl. DS said 'okay' and that was that. My DH however said I was wrong to tell him that as he's 'so young'.

AIBU here? I'm not sure I am.

For a bit of background, I was raped as a teenager and I suppose because of that I want my DC to understand their body parts and their correct names. God forbid anything were to happen, imagine my DD saying flower instead of vagina, someone might not even understand what she meant! I know DS is young, but he's nearly 4 and he asked a valid question. My DH seems to think I'm being over cautious because of my trauma and now I'm having a little bit of doubt in my mind. He has said 'what if DS says it in nursery' and now I'm worried/doubting myself.

Please be kind. I'm feeling quite anxious about this because of my past.

But it’s not just like any other, is it? A child sharing that Grandpa or the boy at school touched their penis would be a very different conversation than if they shared that Grandpa or classmate touched their nose. Still a discussion around personal space, but with an extremely different tone and underlying safeguarding concerns.

It’s disingenuous to not acknowledge there isn’t a meaningful difference in real life.

This is why we should teach them the proper names. If they can say a person touched them and said where then it becomes much easier to understand. If they think saying a certain body part is rude or bad then they may be embarrassed to say anything.

I imagine he was looking at her vulva, rather than her vagina.

To a previous poster who said no-one uses anus: we do in our home.

But people so often say ‘vagina’ when they mean the labia/vulva - and think they’re using the ‘correct’ term.

Personally I think it’s a shame that there isn’t a ‘friendly’ word for girls’ bits - the equivalent of ‘willy’. The ‘proper’ words - especially penis - are all IMO ugly and sound too clinical.

I have always taught my DS by the correct terminology.

I know of a child who was molested. The case was dropped because she didnt call her privates the right word so they "didnt have clarity" on what the child meant. She was 3 years old.

Teach your children properly. They are not "dirty" words. Its basic anatomy of the human body.

YANBU - your husband needs to give his head a wobble.

Children need to learn the correct words for their anatomy, not just in case they experience SA but also so they can realise there's nothing about genitalia that requires euphemisms.

I used correct terminology when my DS was young. It backfired a bit when he misheard or forgot and was given to telling people about his 'spectacles.' But apart from that, it was a good idea.

I think it's good to use the correct terms if you are comfortable with it. We used to say front and back bottom which is basic but factually correct. Willy is ok as well. Flower is absolutely awful 😞

They learn the correct words in year 1

This is also true!

But people so often say ‘vagina’ when they mean the labia/vulva - and think they’re using the ‘correct’ term.

Never ceases to amaze me how many grown women teach their kids the “correct names” but confuse vagina and vulva.

Come on ladies!! It’s easy.

Vagina = Baby Pipe
Vulva = Front Bum

Exactly! Children should be taught the proper anatomical terms. We don't substitute names for our nose, ears, etc. These substitutions are borne of long standing shame and embarrassment around intimate body parts and should have no place in a modern society.

Lol! I remember "Mary" being used for vagina in Scotland but that was a long while ago!

Very worrying that nursery has that attitude!
Even the most basic of safeguarding training explains the importance of using the correct names for body parts.
In your shoes I would urgently raise this with them.

What bothers me is most people are not as uncomfortable with the word penis as they are with the words vulva/vagina. From a safety point of view female children are more vulnerable than male children. If penis is too much everyone knows Willy but girls get all sorts of weird and wonderful names for their bits.

I once did safeguarding training and the instructor said she knew of a case where in court because the child had said he touched her flower they couldn't convict because defence argued a literal flower. That has stuck with me

It's awful isn't? Another one that has stayed with me (I'm a dsl) is the little girl who had talked a number of times at school about Grandpa 'touching her cookie'
If she'd used the word vulva, she would have been helped sooner!!!

Penis and vulva/ vagina. Absolutely no need to come up with ridiculous words for it. I don’t understand why people do it!

Surely shame and embarrassment is the other side of privacy? We don’t want children to think of their private parts as exactly the same as anything else and I think it’s pretty natural to feel a sense of embarrassment. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about this stuff but equally we shouldn’t pretend it isn’t embarrassing when it is! And imo actually we do have colloquial words for many body parts.

I think most people do. It's the only relevant word I was taught in biology at school. That was a long time ago but I'm pretty sure my grandchildren have learnt vagina as the key word in their sex education lessons as in boys have a penis, girls gave a vagina. I'm not saying you aren't correct but if a child refers to her vagina I think most people would know what she actually meant.

Your daughter has a vulva, the inside part is a vagina. Call it a vulva as that is correct.

It's safeguarding too.
"X touched my flower" or "x touched my vulva"

You have to be specific!

I'd like to use the correct words, but I say Pee Pee, probably due to my upbringing! Flower is slightly ridiculous though 🤣 Good on you for using the correct terminology.

Do you live in the 1950s?

I always use the correct terminology. much to my MILs distress ("why must you say "penis"? cant you wall it a wee wee?) if they do say it at nursery its not a swear word is it?