To ask what I did wrong?

[Derplerp]

My ex and I have split up. We share a child together and seem to be pretty cordial.

Now I recently had a piece of furniture delivered, he agreed to help me build this furniture. He seemed sort of oddly annoyed with me on this day but I tried to keep it cool for the kids. I started cooking dinner, helped him bring the furniture upstairs. Unpacked it But whilst I was moving things around he was already sighing and rolling his eyes.

I first asked him do you need help with anything he said no I don’t need help. If you want to help you will, I thought that was quite weird so I left him to it. Served up dinner, cleaned up. Asked him a couple more times, how can I help. He kept brushing my attempts to help away.

Towards the end I helped, he made a comment how it was useless it’s nearly done.
Once it was finished he said he’s upset with me because this is my character, I could have helped but I didn’t help him. He’s so disappointed that this is me as a person and I’m a bit stuck, I can’t see where I went wrong.

What you did wrong was asking him to help in the first place

There is a reason you aren’t together any more and I suspect his actions just reminded you why

I didn’t even ask him, he offered to help. Which shocked me because he never helped with anything practical but here we are.

Well he’s an ex so I wouldn’t waste effort wondering where you went wrong.

I know but for the sake of our relationship and co parenting. I just would like to know where I went wrong, he always talks about my character and it makes me feel like a shitty person

You didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not very nice. Well done for escaping.

Well that's all a bit confusing of him!

Is there a reason you couldn't have done it yourself? I'd not bother asking him next time. Maybe he thought you'd be taking the lead on it and he would be assisting you so was a bit surprised when you went off and cooked dinner? Though that makes no sense as he basically kept telling you to go away!

I don't know OP. I just wouldn't bother with him anymore.

Sounds like he just couldn’t be arsed with all the faff, TBH.

He's a dick. Next time ask someone else to help with building or moving furniture.

Ignoring that he's your ex, are you the sort of person who offers to help while backing out of the room or who usually muscles in even when the other person says they can manage ok. Failing any of these, he is being contrary . As he is your ex I wouldn't ask him to help again, I couldn't be doing with all this.

But to say it’s telling of my character. That I made him feel uncomfortable, and he’s upset. Just seems like a huge overreaction from my side. I’m autistic so I just need to told straight.

He's being ridiculous. I expect the ikea furniture or whatever it was stressed him out a bit.

Umm I do try to get stuck in but he seems to have a bit of an issue with me, so I did leave him to it. And I know it’s not a big deal but it does make me question if I’m a bad person inherently

He sounds like a piece of shit. Stop looking for fault in your own behaviour and see him for what he is. There's a succinct two word response for that sort of remark on your "character".

If I asked someone to help me build something I would imagine they would be building it with me rather than going off and doing dinner.

That said he could presumably note that you were sorting kids and bustling about, not on the sofa with a glass of wine, so he could have just cracked on without all the eye rolling.

Sounds like he has a narrative in his head that you ask for help on too many things instead of just doing them, and when he saw the furniture he internally thought "She could have done this perfectly well herself" and from then on he didn't bother hiding his irritation. But that's his story, don't worry about it, he offered to build the furniture and he did it. It's a case of "what other people think of me is none of my business" - just don't give him any headspace.

His behaviour is what’s wrong here - you did the right thing ending this relationship.

You need to assert yourself more - I’d go with ‘well don’t worry, I’ll get someone else to do it next time’, smiling brightly. If he has another go, remind him that you cooked while he did the furniture.

Basically stop letting him have a go at you.

Well it’s called gaslighting OP and its a good reminder to you why he’s now your ex!

YABU in expecting a good relationship with him still.

Let him see the kids but he doesn’t have to see you. Don’t allow him into your house.

What are your arrangements for the kids ?
I assume they stay with him some of the time?

He’s getting to gaslight you even though you’ve split up. He enjoys seeing you confused !

It sounds like he was deliberately looking for an excuse to complain and put you down. Talking about "your character" like that is really very nasty. Thank goodness he's an ex. Don't let him help with anything like this in future. There's no reason for him to know you're buying a piece of furniture. Keep thing cordial for your child's sake, but keep the ex on a need to know basis about your life.

@Derplerp
Not worth the head space, Derp. Pour yourself a cuppa and forget about it.

Sounds like an attempt to undermine and belittle you. His issue. You did nothing wrong.

I kept checking in but it’s kind of like walking on egg shells. He made it seem like he didn’t want me around very much. I brought him up dinner, snacks, drinks.

I knew I shouldn’t have accepted his help but if i didn’t l. That would have been an issue as well. Feels very much like I can’t win

You didn’t do anything wrong.

He was picking for an argument and you didn’t oblige.

Just confirms you made the right decision.

How long ago did you break up? If recently then emotions will be heightened, is it perhaps just bickering and nitpicking that comes with the heightened emotional time of a break up?

@Derplerp you cant win because he isnt telling you the rules of his 'game'. Even if he did tell you the rules he would change the rules as it is his 'game' and only he is allowed to win.

Telling you that you have a non-existent character flaw is part of how he plays his 'game'. It's his killer move, like check-mate in a game of chess.

In good relationships there are no games like this.

I cannot stress this enough, OP, as I've been there. There HAS to be distance. And boundaries. Otherwise it just gets confusing for everyone.

His fee for help seems to be a bit of emotional abuse - from what you have written you have done nothing wrong and he is weird and potentially abusive - the fact you get the "walking on egg shells".feeling shows this