To ask what I did wrong?

[Derplerp]

My ex and I have split up. We share a child together and seem to be pretty cordial.

Now I recently had a piece of furniture delivered, he agreed to help me build this furniture. He seemed sort of oddly annoyed with me on this day but I tried to keep it cool for the kids. I started cooking dinner, helped him bring the furniture upstairs. Unpacked it But whilst I was moving things around he was already sighing and rolling his eyes.

I first asked him do you need help with anything he said no I don’t need help. If you want to help you will, I thought that was quite weird so I left him to it. Served up dinner, cleaned up. Asked him a couple more times, how can I help. He kept brushing my attempts to help away.

Towards the end I helped, he made a comment how it was useless it’s nearly done.
Once it was finished he said he’s upset with me because this is my character, I could have helped but I didn’t help him. He’s so disappointed that this is me as a person and I’m a bit stuck, I can’t see where I went wrong.

I don't know the reasons behind your split with your ex - but you do not need him to be abusive by talking about your character. Everyone is different - some people are okay and some people are a total PITA but that is the way of the world. You don't need his opinion to validate how you behave or not - you are you!! Autistic or not!! We all have our little quirks - I'm sure I drive my DH up the wall at times as he does me but most times we rub along okay.
It's not clear from your OP if he was meant to help you or you were meant to help him but if he was getting huffy - I would have just asked do you want my help or not? If he continued to be huffy - I would have just said I'll leave you to it - just shout if you need a hand.
He seems to delight in keeping you off balance and then blames you - maybe he's just not a patient person and is just stroppy git. Either way, the fact that you have split up is probably better all round so when he visits your DC don't let him stop at yours to see DC tell him to go out or to his home. Make the split a definitive and positive thing for you and don't ask for his 'help' in future.

He hardly harangued her, the hyperbole doesn’t help your credibility

rhe issue here is he offered to help. Not build it. They are ex’s for a reason, they don’t get on. She didn’t help him and he was annoyed and made it clear.

and as said, many folks find building flat pack shite and annoying. I’d particularly find it annoying if I offered to help an ex and they fucked off out of it and let me do it alone.

no one covered themselves in glory here. But the op should have right away sat down and said ok let’s get this done, not assumed he was going to do it singlehandely and offer to help, like that was the deal.

If you find it that annoying then don’t offer to help your ex partner. I don’t mind doing it personally, it’s quite fun.

But particularly don’t offer and then berate them for their shitty character because they didn’t do exactly what you wanted/expected when you hadn’t bothered to tell them. And you’re still sore over the break up and want a chance to stick the boot in.

OP asked her ex to help. It's surely up to her to say what she wants/expects, not him? He doesn't care if the flat pack furniture is built or not.

Well he’s an ex for a reason isn’t he.

As is the OP 🤷‍♂️

Nope.

I didn’t even ask him, he offered to help. Which shocked me because he never helped with anything practical but here we are.

Is the OP inviting herself round to berate her ex over his shitty character?

Or get a thicker skin and ignore his daft passive aggressive martyring. You get your furniture built, he gets to enjoy huffing and puffing about you not helping. So if you can take no notice of him and just enjoy your new wardrobe, its a win all round.

Nope.
he agreed to help me build this furniture.

He agreed (offered) to help her. Up to her what she wants help for.

I think he probably feels a bit used? You aren't together anymore. You might need to make arrangements with someone else for help with this sort of thing in the future. The boundaries are going to get messy otherwise.

That is what she wrote in the OP and then she clarified if you actually read her posts. “Agreed” was clearly the wrong word.

I agree with other posters that he agreed to help you build it not be left to do it all while you cooked dinner. That’s not him helping you to do something. And you popping in asking him if he needs help while he was possibly annoyed that you obviously meant for him to do it all was probably irritating

I think this would sum it up. Then his cutting remarks were probably that he has felt this way all through the relationship.

Also intrigued to know what it was where, during building, it covered dinner, snacks and drinks. Maybe if you helped from the outset it would have been done faster and you could have just had dinner later that night with something simple like beans on toast. Kids don’t explode if dinner and bed needs to be pushed back occasionally, just shove them a banana earlier as a snack. Most IKEA stuff is not difficult but also much easier and quicker as a two person job. DH thinks he is up for some sort of record, as he can do a one door Billy in under 15mins, and two door only takes around 5mins longer🤣. He always has a ‘dogsbody helper’ though to pass the requested stuff or hold a panel steady while he does all the building. Given his ‘unique talent 🤣’ anyone we know who gets IKEA always gives him a call and he goes and builds it for them. He’d be a bit flummoxed if they fucked if to do something though as his expectation is they do the dogsbody passing and steadying where required while he builds, and he’d dodge any request they made in future.

The OP changed that, presumably because she didn't like the replies. The opening post says he 'agreed' to do it.

He’d be a bit flummoxed if they fucked if to do something though as his expectation is they do the dogsbody passing and steadying where required while he builds, and he’d dodge any request they made in future.

Would he still feel like this if the person had asked him multiple times if there was anything they could do to help and he'd replied no?

Or because that was the truth and she’d expressed herself poorly in the OP.

If you think you know better than the OP what happened then why not write the thread yourself?

If you’re calling OP a liar then say so.

I did say so

It's quite common on MN for OPs to change what they've said when the replies don't suit.

Have you never seen this?

You might as well stay in the relationship if you’re going to have him in your house building furniture, making comments that make you wonder what’s wrong with you. Make some boundaries and separate your lives.

He is being an arse. He is an ex for a reason. However it would have been better if you had the item upstairs/unpacked and the space for it cleared before he arrived. Sounds like the faffing was a bit annoying. However he is being rude about it.

My guess would be that while he offered to help, when it came to it, he couldn't really be arsed. And then he felt you were checking up on him, making sure he was doing it right. Hopefully you weren't telling him how to do it, because that is really annoying.

He's you ex. Obviously your personalities aren't compatible or you would still be together. So I wouldn't bother trying to figure him out or respond in any way. It sounds like he is trying to get a rise out of you somehow or make you second guess yourself. Don't react or acknowledge and don't accept his 'help' again.

The only thing you can change is not allow him to help you with anything in the future. He's just using it as a rod to beat you with and it's working.

Allow him? He clearly was just pissed off she didn’t help, few people are gagging to go build flat pack. I strongly suspect that was more about the ops need than his desire.

This says it all. Don't play his 'game'.

@Strugglingtodomybest Would he still feel like this if the person had asked him multiple times if there was anything they could do to help and he'd replied no

Depends. If the person asked him up front before he started he would say yes, so that’s moot. If the person left him to it initially and then came out here and there to ask if they could help, after he had started, he’d be quite annoyed at that point and wouldn’t want them helping as he would be shitty so he’d then silently seethe, take longer and come home and rant to me about it🤷‍♀️. Not saying it’s right but honestly, that’s how it would go down.

You need to let it go. It doesn't matter what he thinks or what he says about you, the relationship is over. Even ruminating about this is hanging onto it, and having him in to assemble furniture while you cook the dinner is hanging onto it. Draw a line, don't invite him in even if he asks, don't worry what he says or what you might be doing wrong, be polite and detach yourself fully.

It sounds like he was expecting 'to help' ie you'd both be making it together, but in practice he's done the job himself while you were doing other things. The other things of course involved feeding his kids so hardly slacking off, but it does change the nature of the job. I'd be a bit pissed off if I came over to help a friend build something and did most of it myself. The main issue is that he's your ex though, so to him it's just another example of why you weren't right for him. Which is totally fine, I bet you have a mental list full of things that weren't right about him either!
I'd just put it down to experience and ask a mate rather than him if you need similar help again.