To ask what I did wrong?

[Derplerp]

My ex and I have split up. We share a child together and seem to be pretty cordial.

Now I recently had a piece of furniture delivered, he agreed to help me build this furniture. He seemed sort of oddly annoyed with me on this day but I tried to keep it cool for the kids. I started cooking dinner, helped him bring the furniture upstairs. Unpacked it But whilst I was moving things around he was already sighing and rolling his eyes.

I first asked him do you need help with anything he said no I don’t need help. If you want to help you will, I thought that was quite weird so I left him to it. Served up dinner, cleaned up. Asked him a couple more times, how can I help. He kept brushing my attempts to help away.

Towards the end I helped, he made a comment how it was useless it’s nearly done.
Once it was finished he said he’s upset with me because this is my character, I could have helped but I didn’t help him. He’s so disappointed that this is me as a person and I’m a bit stuck, I can’t see where I went wrong.

She said he offered?

Gaslighting? Why?

OP is changing the story - it clearly states that he AGREED to help - to agree you have to be asked.

Then she changes it to he offered to help - in which case that isn't agreeing 🤷‍♀️

I think OP is confused about exes - you shouldn't be asking for things like that - the only contact needed is regards the child. She's treating him as a partner still.

Not in the original post, she says he AGREED - to agree you must have been asked 🤷‍♀️

OP is changing the story.

He offered to help, not be left to do it all while you disappeared off. Seems I’m in the minority but I can see why he’d be annoyed.

You asked if he wanted help but surely he offered to help you so the assumption was you’d do it together. You did what you wanted to suit your schedule then, when you were free, you decided you could give time to help on your schedule… by which time he’s almost done. I don’t think he’s gaslighting here, I think you were a cf.

My ex dh still lives with me and our dd. He loves to comment on my bad character. He often brings up the way I was brought up - I'm 60 next year! Recently he called me an 'Orange Lodge retard'. I have never been a member of the Orange Lodge, or been to any Orange Lodge club. My father is a Roman Catholic and my dm left the Orange Lodge when she was 15 long before she met him ( her parents were members but more for the social side). I'm still flabbergasted but I'm doing my best to let it go in one ear and out the other. I never make personal comments. I think you're well rid of him. I'd refuse to have him in the house again.

He didn't even offer - she asked him which I think is wrong of her.

If you read the OP he AGREED to help - that means she asked him.

Then left him to it.

@beanii even if he offered, the key word is “to help” not do it all on his own while op swans of suiting herself. I often help friends with stuff, I do expect it to be a team effort. The only exception was when df dh helped me with putting up curtain rails. I really don’t have the skills so the deal was, he’d do it, I’d cook him dinner and give him some beers.

You say in your OP that he “agreed to help you” but then say “he offered to help you” after someone said maybe he was pissed at still doing “husband work” for you when you aren’t together.

I suspect you did in fact ask him for help and he pissed that “help” actually meant “just do this for me while I get on with other stuff” l. Asking if HE needs any help while he’s building YOUR furniture is a bit rich. You should have been doing it together from the start. Or ideally on your own/with the help of someone else.

You aren’t an awful horrible person, but I can see why he’s annoyed.

And there you have it, that's why you left him! Live a full life and keep him on the periphery.

She doesn’t say SHE left HIM?

THere's nothing wrong with your character; he just wants you to think there is. He was setting you up to fail in his eyes, although that's on him, not you. Says more about him than you. Truly.

Be glad the passive aggressive fucker is an ex. You don't need that in your life full time.

To continuously criticise your character comes across as mean and nasty. I'd be inclined to raise it with him if he does it again "you keep criticising my character, do you mean it as nasty as it comes across?"

I think you've behaved perfectly reasonably; offering help, making snacks, staying out his way etc. Sounds like he was in a bad mood and was looking for an argument or just a chance to put you down. Don't allow yourself to be treated like that. A good relationship for the sake of the kids does not need to extend to him being in your house building your furniture.

Next time remind him what he does and how he is emotionally abusive and verbally abusive and say you will do it on your own.

My ex can’t stand it that he’s crap at DIY but I’m not and the kids aren’t because they have learnt from the mistress of DiY.

Absolutely agree with you.

She just shouldn't have asked in the first place.

Sounds like a deliberate attempt to confuse and gaslight you and he has succeeded - hence why you’re on here asking other people what you’ve done wrong. He sounds awful and it’s good that he is your ex. Of course try to remain amicable for the sake of the children but don’t have him “help” with anything like this again - even if he offers.

You are not a bad person, there is nothing wrong with your 'character' and you are well shot of your ex. Really.

He wanted help, declined it, but then got pissy at you not helping.
Hes a poor communicator and you can’t read between the lines.

@Derplerp2 never post in AIBU about relationship issues! If you need reminding just look at this thread as evidence.

Your OP will be taken as a sworn affidavit. Every word and punctuation mark will poured over and picked apart.

Your ex wanted to find fault. It didn't matter what you did he would have used it as evidence of your 'bad' character.

Chin up! Next time he offers to help by doing something just decline politely.