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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what I did wrong?

143 replies

Derplerp · 22/01/2024 06:18

My ex and I have split up. We share a child together and seem to be pretty cordial.

Now I recently had a piece of furniture delivered, he agreed to help me build this furniture. He seemed sort of oddly annoyed with me on this day but I tried to keep it cool for the kids. I started cooking dinner, helped him bring the furniture upstairs. Unpacked it But whilst I was moving things around he was already sighing and rolling his eyes.

I first asked him do you need help with anything he said no I don’t need help. If you want to help you will, I thought that was quite weird so I left him to it. Served up dinner, cleaned up. Asked him a couple more times, how can I help. He kept brushing my attempts to help away.

Towards the end I helped, he made a comment how it was useless it’s nearly done.
Once it was finished he said he’s upset with me because this is my character, I could have helped but I didn’t help him. He’s so disappointed that this is me as a person and I’m a bit stuck, I can’t see where I went wrong.

OP posts:
Muchof · 22/01/2024 07:20

Derplerp · 22/01/2024 07:05

I kept checking in but it’s kind of like walking on egg shells. He made it seem like he didn’t want me around very much. I brought him up dinner, snacks, drinks.

I knew I shouldn’t have accepted his help but if i didn’t l. That would have been an issue as well. Feels very much like I can’t win

As I said earlier, I don’t think you should give this any headspace at all. But seeing as you have said you want to understand, well I think my husband would be irritated if he was putting something together and I kept popping in asking if he wanted help.

We would be much clearer on expectations though. Generally I have found it best to leave him to it, but I will say do you need me for anything, he will say no, I will say fine, but shout me if you need me and then I stay away. Works for us, but somehow I suspect your ex would have found something to complain about regardless.

Sodndashitall · 22/01/2024 07:23

Next time just refuse the help. Say something like " thanks for offering that's very generous but xxx has already offered and it's all sorted". Even if literally no one has offered or is helping.
Fwiw I get annoyed with people who constantly ask ",can I help?" On certain things like dinner, of course you can help. I would much prefer if people said "I'll chop the veg as you're preparing the meat" . Be specific not vague but also don't either way let him do it again

WhatNoRaisins · 22/01/2024 07:24

Are you the same poster who ordered a double bed to be delivered to their Ex's house?

Newchapterbeckons · 22/01/2024 07:25

You did nothing wrong apart from accept help from someone who does not have your best interests at heart. He is an ex for a reason.

I would tell him to stop with the character assassination and distance myself from him. It should be a pure child centred relationship nothing else going forward.

Original poster
Derplerp · 22/01/2024 07:26

Noo im not the same poster. And yeah I get that could be annoying. Maybe because I felt like I was treading on egg shells with him I wanted to check in. He said basically I didn’t need the help

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 22/01/2024 07:28

If that's the case I think you'd be better off refusing that sort of help completely. It's good to have a pleasant relationship with an ex but having him enter your home to do you favours doesn't work right now.

W0tnow · 22/01/2024 07:32

You feel like you can’t win, because you can’t. It’s him, not you. He will always think he is the reasonable one, even when he is not. You’ll never change that., so you’re going to have to learn to ignore this particular side of him.

Mumtime2 · 22/01/2024 07:32

Someone who makes you feel like this is a person you do not need around.
Sure, he will offer to help, make you rely on him, and then trash, talk to you, or be rude.
Can you rely on someone less annoying
He will be a prick to you and criticise you.
Co parenting means putting boundaries to not accept his attitude or unneeded crap.
You may go through an adjustment time until he pulls his head in hopefully.
Find someone new to help!

Peanutsforthebluetit · 22/01/2024 07:51

When I booted my ex dh out ( all done legally) he kept offering to come round and help me do up the house.

Even though I had none else, I declined because it was a way for him to snoop on me and keep his foot in the door… and attempt to continue to control me.

Can the kids go to his for some of the time ?
It’s not good for your dc to see him treat you like this.

Skodacool · 22/01/2024 07:54

The more I read this kind of post the more I want to shout at women to stop asking ‘what did I do wrong?’ Its the men who are the problem, making you think its your fault; it isn’t.

MarIeyG · 22/01/2024 08:27

So he's said if you want to help you will. And you didn't help. So in his childish mind he's thought well she clearly didn't want to help or she would have.

But that's because he's a child who couldn't just answer the question properly when he was asked if he needed help.

Harrietsaunt · 22/01/2024 08:31

He Sounds like a martyr.

JamJar59 · 22/01/2024 08:33

I would have said it just sounds like he got stressed out and took it out on you. But you mentioned that he seemed off with you at the start, so perhaps not. Was there anything that led up to that point?

It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong so perhaps not worth worrying about.

Gobolina · 22/01/2024 08:50

It smacks of the 'what shall I do?' question while cleaning etc, if you can't see what needs doing with your own eyes, and need basic household tasks delegated to you in your own home, don't bother. If he took that from your repeated questions of how to help - instead of just helping - I can see why your approach annoyed him.

TheSlantedOwl · 22/01/2024 08:55

He probably agreed to assemble the furniture in order to have an opportunity to berate you.

You did nothing wrong. Nothing wrong with your character. He was being a dick. If he brings it up again breezily say, “Oh well, sorry if you felt unsupported, I did offer to help. Next time I won’t trouble you with these things, ok?”

Hes an arse. Nothing for you to feel bad about at all.

SurelySmartie · 22/01/2024 09:01

He can’t deal with whatever is not right within himself or communicate about it, so it’s easier for him to take it out on you. Clearly he makes you feel bad about yourself which is probably part of why you didn’t want to continue.

I can understand you wanting to keep things civil. But don’t take on his stuff. This is more about him not you.

janeintheframe · 22/01/2024 09:04

I’m not sure I’m aligned with the posters.

he said he would help build. Which means aid, support, take part. Not to do it all on his own. He didn’t say I will build it for you. And this seems to be where he was pissed off. He offered to help, not do it single handed and you just let him do it alone.

in addition, building flat pack is shit, few enjoy it. I’m totally unreasonable when I need to do it, and I’d be fucking furious if my husband left me to do it and cooked dinner and tidied up.

Caliope27 · 22/01/2024 09:06

Learn from this. You're not with him any more. Ask for help from anyone but him. Stop sharing space and cooking dinners, you're setting yourself up for this insidious abuse.

Mariposistaaa · 22/01/2024 09:15

Of the million and one people who could have helped you in this world - why him?
just pay for the Ikea assembly service. He is an ex for a reason. Keep away.

Isheabastard · 22/01/2024 09:18

Please remember that some people can only make themselves feel better by making others feel bad. It’s them not you.

Perhaps when he arrived he felt you weren’t showing enough gratitude. My ex always did lots of huffing and puffing when he was doing any DiY in the house this was his way of saying ‘look how hard I’m working’ ie more gratitude please. So your ex maybe wanted more fawning gratitude, not help.

You say that you are autistic so you feel you need others to give you an answer to his behaviour. I wonder if you are confused because this is what he did in the relationship and always blamed you when he was out of humour.

If he is the only person amongst all your family, friends, colleagues etc that causes you to doubt yourself, then it’s him, not you.

Ive recently separated from my ex. I just happened yesterday to see an old text I sent him about a year ago. I can’t believe how brainwashed I was by him in accepting I had a faulty character and mental health problems. I don’t, but it suited him to headfuck me so he could be the one with all the power.

JamJar59 · 22/01/2024 09:32

janeintheframe · 22/01/2024 09:04

I’m not sure I’m aligned with the posters.

he said he would help build. Which means aid, support, take part. Not to do it all on his own. He didn’t say I will build it for you. And this seems to be where he was pissed off. He offered to help, not do it single handed and you just let him do it alone.

in addition, building flat pack is shit, few enjoy it. I’m totally unreasonable when I need to do it, and I’d be fucking furious if my husband left me to do it and cooked dinner and tidied up.

I wondered the same thing but OP said he was already seeming off and huffing before he would know how much help would be given, so it doesn’t sound like that’s the reason.

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 22/01/2024 09:38

Now I recently had a piece of furniture delivered, he agreed to help me build this furniture.

I first asked him do you need help with anything he said no I don’t need help. If you want to help you will

According to your first statement he offered to HELP YOU build the furniture so to assist you with the task, not do it all himself; once there though you then ask if he needs any help which comes across like it’s his task rather than a joint task. Saying if you want to help you will, is basically him saying if you really wanted to help you’d get stuck in and not ask.

Imagine a man says to a woman that he has to spring clean his house and she then offers to HELP HIM, so not do it all herself, which he accepts. When she goes over though, he turns around & asks her if she needs any help? Can you see how that might come across?

WandaWonder · 22/01/2024 09:41

Move on and just do your own diy from now on, you could spend the next 20 years working out why, Would it help really?

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 22/01/2024 09:48

JamJar59 · 22/01/2024 09:32

I wondered the same thing but OP said he was already seeming off and huffing before he would know how much help would be given, so it doesn’t sound like that’s the reason.

Show quote history

Depends on what was said, OP could have given an indication that she wasn’t going to participate hence his huffing and puffing; OP could have said something like I’ll help get this upstairs and then make a start on dinner, is chicken okay for example.

shepherdsangeldelight · 22/01/2024 09:50

I think you both communicate badly (which is probably why he is an ex).

You asked him to help you build the furniture and then went off and left him to do it all by himself. That's not "helping" - that's doing it for you.

His response to this was, however, very passive aggressive. He would have been better to say something like. "I thought I was helping you, not doing it all for you - do you actually expect me to build the whole thing?" when you asked if he wanted you to do anything. However, I'm guessing that this would also have annoyed you, which might have been why he didn't.