To ask what I did wrong?

[Derplerp]

My ex and I have split up. We share a child together and seem to be pretty cordial.

Now I recently had a piece of furniture delivered, he agreed to help me build this furniture. He seemed sort of oddly annoyed with me on this day but I tried to keep it cool for the kids. I started cooking dinner, helped him bring the furniture upstairs. Unpacked it But whilst I was moving things around he was already sighing and rolling his eyes.

I first asked him do you need help with anything he said no I don’t need help. If you want to help you will, I thought that was quite weird so I left him to it. Served up dinner, cleaned up. Asked him a couple more times, how can I help. He kept brushing my attempts to help away.

Towards the end I helped, he made a comment how it was useless it’s nearly done.
Once it was finished he said he’s upset with me because this is my character, I could have helped but I didn’t help him. He’s so disappointed that this is me as a person and I’m a bit stuck, I can’t see where I went wrong.

Whether it was agreed or offered OP has been quite clear that the offer was "to help". Not to do it all.

Here are 2 statements.

1. I'll build that flat pack furniture for you
2. I'll help you with building that flat pack furniture.

Both are offering/agreeing to be involved with the furniture building.

For statement 1, the person making the statement is offering to take over the whole task.
For statement 2, the original person remains responsible for the task, and should clarify which bits need helping with.

The issue here is that ex has made statement (2) and OP has assumed statement (1).

But both of them are equally bad at communicating what they want.

Only indirectly. What you mean is I @TeapotTitties think OP is a liar. I think she’s lying that he offered to help.

It’s very common for posters to accuse OPs of changing their story when they write something they don’t like. Particularly when they hadn’t thought of asking for more background before getting stuck in.

You were supposed to look after the kids, prepare dinner, serve dinner, wash dishes, tidy up AND build furniture with him….No.
You did nothing wrong. He’s clearly an ex for a reason.

Would it make a difference if it was a piece of furniture for the dc? A bed perhaps?
They're pretty straightforward and I wouldn't expect to help dh build it.
I might need help building one but I'd ask.
I don't think it's a favour if it's for the d but it would be if it was for the op.
Even so, he should have said he was expecting op to help.

You were supposed to look after the kids, prepare dinner, serve dinner, wash dishes, tidy up AND build furniture with him….No

No, OP was not ‘supposed’ to do much of that. Sometimes life is about compromise. You get a take away, or have a very simple dinner later than normal (tinned spaghetti or beans on toast). Kids will not explode or be carted off with vitamin deficiency because of one meal like this. You ignore dirty dishes and get up 30min earlier the next morning and do them, and leave tidying up until the next night. Lots of solutions.

This is it, he’s trying to get in your head. Have a cordial relationship for the children but no more favours. If he offers, politely decline

@shepherdsangeldelight here are some more statements for you:

I first asked him do you need help with anything he said no I don’t need help. If you want to help you will, I thought that was quite weird so I left him to it.
^^
Umm I do try to get stuck in but he seems to have a bit of an issue with me, so I did leave him to it.
^^
I kept checking in but it’s kind of like walking on egg shells. He made it seem like he didn’t want me around very much.
^^
Maybe because I felt like I was treading on egg shells with him I wanted to check in.
^^
I knew I shouldn’t have accepted his help but if i didn’t l. That would have been an issue as well. Feels very much like I can’t win.

he always talks about my character and it makes me feel like a shitty person.

😂 tinned spaghetti

Not allowing my ExH into my house once we’d split was a boundary I was really pleased I set early on. He would do pick ups and drop off on the doorstep.

I knew I shouldn’t have accepted his help but if i didn’t l. That would have been an issue as well. Feels very much like I can’t win

You said this in an earlier post OP. It sounds as though you feel you have to placate him by letting him have his own way. As he is an Ex, you don't have to consider or worry about his feelings. You don't have to placate him or do anything he wants. You don't have to listen to his opinion on anything about you or what you do.

It looks as though he wanted to be involved in order to have an opportunity to be nasty to you while, at the same time, making out that he is doing something that will benefit his child. Please google a technique called "grey-rock". Don't give him any information about yourself, just let him know things he will need to know concerning his child for his access time with them. By this, I mean, no small talk with him and no telling him what you are doing at work or in your home life. You are none of his business any more. He is none of yours and you don't need to consider how he feels. If he hadn't known that you were getting this item, he wouldn't have offered or insisted on getting involved.

Don't let him in to your place. If it is his turn to collect, have your child ready and take them out to hand over to him. He does not go further than the doorstep. Keep conversations about the child only. Practise answering any other questions with the following:

No.
No thank you.
No, that doesn't work for me.
That's none of your business.
I'm not discussing that.
That's private.

If you are ever uncomfortable with anything he starts saying, just walk away. He can think what he wants about you, you don't need to listen to it or care about what he thinks.

He’s a fucking maniac and you’re well rid of him. Just laugh at him.

" If you want to help you will " - he means instead of helping, just immediately get stuck into it

Often people ask "how can I help?" so they've covered the "I offered to help" thing without any actually effort.

"Instead of ask, just do" - is the meaning

Your first post said "he agreed to help me build this furniture. "

So did he offer, or did he agree to help you?

Either way, he is your ex. Don't bother with any of this nonsense, draw the line at co-parenting and keep him our of your home.

I’m not sure she was expected to do all that. Clearly it wasn’t his expectation, he’s an ex and doesn’t live there. He seemed to expect they’d build it together, as he did was agree to help.

hi sorry I got logged out not sure what happened. I’m the original OP. I know it’s not a big deal but to clarify he knew I had furniture delivered. He sent a message saying he would help build the bed, asked me to make dinner for him. In the same message.

He would have had something to say if I served spaghetti. It was a roast dinner. I never asked him for help, he offered the help. I’m not changing my story or lying…

Look OP the great benefit of splitting up with someone is that you don’t have to see them any more.

An amicable relationship with an ex for the sake of the kids simply means friendly handovers. It doesn’t mean continuing the same warped dynamic that presumably led to the split and continuing the relationship from different houses.

So - you need to step back, detach. You speak to him only on handovers and you don’t socialise with him. Most particularly he doesn’t get to announce he will construct furniture, demand you make him lunch, and then criticise your personality.

There aren't really set rules for a relationship with your ex, maybe this dynamic of roast dinners and favours does work for some but it's not working here. I agree with PP just stick to brief handovers and essential messages regarding the children for a while. Maybe later you can do some trial and error to see what other socialisation works and doesn't.

So in future just say no it’s fine, thanks I can manage.

And is he perfect? Clearly not.

Don't waste any more time thinking about him. Just be glad you're free!!

Straight up gaslighting right there! Saying he doesn't need help but then saying you didn't help....gaslighting 100%

You shouldn't have asked him to do it - he's your EX.

You only contact him about the child.

I clearly say he AGREED to help - to agree to something you first need to be asked.

He’s gaslighting you. What you’ve done wrong is accepting his help. Learn from this. He will offer his help then passively roll his eyes and make comments then assassinate your character for not doing the very thing he said not to do. And now you’re sat there absolutely baffled as to why you’re such a horrible person.
Hes a dick

if that happened and the man kept asking can I help I would say yes and give him a list, pretty simple

To be honest he sounds like he’s completely gas lighting you, and trying to be they hero all woe is me crap. I’d just ignore him but I would t give him the satisfaction in future of thinking you need his help