Over wedding ceremony

[Biscuitsgalore18]

Hello,

We are getting married in August, lots of our family/friends are having to book accommodation to stay over and as we all know attending weddings can be expensive. We have planned a really lovely event, so that everyone would have a good time with live music, lots of food and a semi-free bar.

The issue is I have mentioned to a few people that we are having a celebrant wedding with a hand fasting, rather than traditional exchanging of rings etc. we had planned to visit the register a few days beforehand to complete the legal paperwork. So we will be legally married. However, people are saying this is fake, that our guests are being cheated out of attending ‘the real wedding’. Basically we are being completely unreasonable and tricking people and I have my parents and brother wanting to attend the registration office to see us ‘actually get married’ which wouldn’t be possible as we have just booked a £50 one where it’s a maximum 4 people, us and 2 witnesses.

Anyway they are suggesting we cancel the celebrant and arrange for a registrar to attend the venue. I am so upset, I have wanted a hand fasting ever since I was about 10 years old and watched Braveheart. I am 42 now!

AIBU for having a celebrant? Is this an unacceptable way to treat our guests?

It’s completely normal to do the registrar separately and a few days before. Don’t listen to your family and don’t cancel anything. Your wedding day is the day of celebration and not “fake”. Just laugh and tell them they can come or not, but you aren’t changing it for their opinions. It’s your wedding.

Could you have the registrar at the venue followed by the hard fasting?

Ignore them. If they really want to see you get married then they’ll come to the bit that you’ve invited them to.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to have your wedding - it’s not a day to please others, it’s a day for you and your partner to celebrate your union.

Ignore them. Your plan is normal amd sounds lovely

We did this, but we never told anyone. That was your mistake.

Loads of people do this - your guests are being totally unreasonable. We had a legal ceremony during Covid (11 people) and then our wedding day, with everything we had originally planned but that time we had it led by a celebrant and it was wonderful. Other reasons are that venues aren’t licensed for marriages so couples do the legal bit before. Nothing fake about it. If they keep on about it, uninvite them as they clearly don’t care about you.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to do things exactly how you want to but I think it’s odd to call your hand fasting ceremony the wedding part. How are you planning to word any invites? I’d prefer for you to be upfront about what I was actually being invited to. I’d still come and it sounds amazing 😊

Absolutely fine to have any sort of wedding you want . For me personally though , getting married is the day when you legally get married . The party and anything else to celebrate your wedding is not you actually getting married , it seems to be more popular at the moment , which is fine , but I’m not convinced at calling anything other than the day you get married your wedding day .

Smile, nod, say “uh-huh”.
”Anyway, as i said, you’re invited to our wedding celebration on xxx date. If you don’t want to come let me know asap so i can invite some more friends who do. Thanks!”
then ignore their waffling. They can design their weddings the way they think they should be.

Who are the people saying it's fake? Why is it such a big issue?
Wouldn't bother me one bit, as long as there is a decent party 😉
Tell them to decline if it bothers them so much

We have had friends do the legal stuff beforehand and then have the ceremony and afters with guests. It's allowed for interesting venues that otherwise couldn't have been used for whatever reason. The only time it became an issue was when it seemed to be 'hidden' and we all found out about the actual legal bit accidentally. Otherwise, it's been clear on invites about 'Following the legal bit, please join us to celebrate etc etc'

The paperwork and the ceremony really are separate things even if they are often done simultaneously. You are handling the government side of things a few days ahead of time. Your guests are not being robbed of anything.

Your wedding so you do what you want. If they are not happy then they needed bother coming

I take it you're in England (or other rUK that's not Scotland?). I do find this odd if I'm honest, interesting to hear a lot of people do this. I can't see the point, your guests want to witness you get married at the ceremony. Otherwise it's just a party. We had a celebrant/humanist wedding, with hand fasting and quaich, but we also exchanged rings and got legally married at the same time (celebrants can legally marry you in Scotland). Are you Scottish..? The Braveheart thing is a bit cringe really. Is it possible to get a registrar to attend the venue and legally marry you, or is that not legally possible?

What is a ' hand fasting ' ?

Google

Would you consider rebooking the legal bit so your parents can come? We just had our 4 parents with our mums as witnesses, with the symbolic ceremony at a later date. I think we were all surprised at how emotional we found the legal bit!

Do what you and your partner want - it's your day, those invited can choose to attend or not.
you'll never please everyone whatever you choose to do - and are these mouthy rent-a-gobs offering to pay the additional costs?

Have a lovely day.

It’s not hard to find this out for yourself.

Ignore these muppets. If they don't want to come they can decline. But you have the wedding that you want.

Why don’t you get the celebrant to carry out a humanist ceremony as part of it? Why go to the extra expense of a registrar or our rules different where you are??

Not sure if it's just in Scotland, but our humanist could formally marry us at the venue

I would have registered afterwards, so my family were at what I saw as the symbolic and important ceremony, and the paperwork was dealt with a few days after. I know it’s no different, but I do get that seeing a ceremony after the wedding does seem a bit anti climactic, but it’s your wedding and no one else’s opinion really matter…

To be honest I agree with them. But that's because I am religious and for me a wedding is a religious ceremony. So in reality neither of your ceremonies are actually weddings to me, and I doubt it would make any difference which one I saw. In their case I don't really understand why one civil ceremony is any more/less important than another.

You do exactly what you and your partner wants. It’s your day as a couple that’s important. Hope you both have a fantastic day and a further great day celebrating with friends and family.