Over wedding ceremony

[Biscuitsgalore18]

Hello,

We are getting married in August, lots of our family/friends are having to book accommodation to stay over and as we all know attending weddings can be expensive. We have planned a really lovely event, so that everyone would have a good time with live music, lots of food and a semi-free bar.

The issue is I have mentioned to a few people that we are having a celebrant wedding with a hand fasting, rather than traditional exchanging of rings etc. we had planned to visit the register a few days beforehand to complete the legal paperwork. So we will be legally married. However, people are saying this is fake, that our guests are being cheated out of attending ‘the real wedding’. Basically we are being completely unreasonable and tricking people and I have my parents and brother wanting to attend the registration office to see us ‘actually get married’ which wouldn’t be possible as we have just booked a £50 one where it’s a maximum 4 people, us and 2 witnesses.

Anyway they are suggesting we cancel the celebrant and arrange for a registrar to attend the venue. I am so upset, I have wanted a hand fasting ever since I was about 10 years old and watched Braveheart. I am 42 now!

AIBU for having a celebrant? Is this an unacceptable way to treat our guests?

People are nuts. You do you OP, as a PP said just tell them they're invited to the celebration and you hope they can make it. My cousin did exactly what you're describing in Ireland and it was lovely. A brief ceremony of their own design and then we partied x

What is hand waving?

It’s completely normal to do the registrar separately and a few days before.

I have never been to a wedding that has been split into two parts. I know it is common in Europe where couples often have the legal bit then the church ceremony, but all non religious weddings I have been to have been just the legal bit followed by a reception.

I wonder how common the two part ceremonty is in the UK?

You’re not the OP, though.

@Biscuitsgalore18 It’s your wedding and your guests are being ridiculous. You’re inviting them to the part that YOU find most meaningful and they need to pipe down about what they think a wedding has to be.

Lots of non-Christian religious wedding ceremonies aren’t legally binding which means the couple have a separate legal marriage. I know a few people who have done this. As far as they are concerned, the legal ceremony is not a wedding - it’s just admin. If you feel the same way, then it is perfectly reasonable not to have family at that. Do not have a wedding that isn’t right for you. It’s your marriage and you should do what means most to you.

Thank you for all the replies. To answer a few questions.. we are in England. Our venue recommended just doing 1 ceremony otherwise guests would get bored and become restless. Hence why we were not having the register come on the same day.
Yes totally the Braceheart thing is cringe, but I was 10 and sometimes childhood dreams stick.

Well, you could find most things out for yourself instead of coming on Mumsnet. But people don't. They come here to ask countless things. So we help and we try and answer and explain.

I understand not having two ceremonies on the same day, but why can't the registrar just do the legal bit in the middle (takes about 10 minutes) and the celebrant lead the rest of the ceremony? Our friends did this, the bride's brother acted as celebrant but they needed a registrar as he wasn't licensed.

Do what YOU want. We get far too many people on here telling us their families are browbeating them about weddings. What YOU want is what counts.

I've been to two weddings where the legal bit was done on a separate day - one in England, one in Italy. The "celebration" part -which in both cases involved a celebrant - was the part I attended and in both cases was just wonderful.

It’s really common for non-Christian religious weddings to be done in two parts.

It’s also quite common for some ‘destination’ weddings and any wedding that takes place somewhere that doesn’t have a licence for the legal ceremony.

@kintra i didn’t realise this could be an option! I will enquire with the celebrant and registry office tomorrow. Thank you

But why should the couple have the registrar do the legal bit in the middle if that isn’t what they want?

What @kintra said. Can the registrar not come to the venue, marry you both, and then a friend or relative can do hand tying speech? Does it need a celebrant? It must only take a minute or two.

Anyway, have your wedding and not-wedding however you want. Guests will whine anyway.

I think actually the majority of weddings I've been to haven't been the legal ceremony! For a variety of reasons. Sometimes the venue isn't licensed for legal weddings. Sometimes because one of the couple is from another country so they've the legal ceremony in that country, and then one single big wedding in the UK. Some because their wedding plans were mucked about by COVID and they had a small ceremony when they could and then the big wedding later. It never bothered me.

If they love watching legal process so much they can head down to the local courthouse and get their fill there.

To me what matters is being together in community watching people commit to each other in front of their loved ones.

Our friends did this and no one minded at all, I got to go to the fun bit!

Given the choice of attending a registry office, or a garden leading down to the river with drinks on tap, sunshine , and a beautiful, meaningful to them ceremony , I know which I'd pick.

It might depend on the venue, I don't know the ins and outs of the legalities, but definitely worth asking. Good luck!

I wonder what the reaction would be of those that are whining already, if you do as kintra suggests and had the registrar slip the legal bit in the middle of your hand-fasting ceremony?

I would hope that they'll immediately shut their traps, having got what they wanted, but I suspect they'll find something else to complain about.

Do your wedding whichever way you want, OP. @C00k is quite right- Guests will whine anyway.

This is what my brother did a couple of years and no one batted all eyelid. It was a lovely day and everyone was very positive about it.
I think your guests who have an issue with this are being ridiculous.

Invite people to witness and celebrate your hand fasting ‘the ceremony in which we will make our vows and affirm our our commitment’.

Just make sure your guests know what to expect

I kind of agree with them. Not that I'd moan its bride.

I want to see the legal bit. That nervous "I do"
It jeans not much if it's not legal or already done.

So if you are doing legals another day make it clear it's not a wedding but a celebration. Then it's up to people whether they attend or not without any deception.

One friend had a big overseas wedding (I didn't attend) but I did attend the low key legal ceremony a few months later.

Perfect response 👌🏻

Yanbu

It's your day, do what you want

Move to Scotland. Humanist celebrants are qualified to carry out legal marriage ceremonies, including a handfasting if you want. Possibly independent celebrants can be qualified too.

My sister did exactly the same as you. I seem to remember that there were some similar mumblings before the wedding day re. the wedding day not being "real" bc they would already be technically married.

On the day it was absolutely beautiful, the hand-tying ceremony offered everyone something a bit different to the usual wedding, the love was clear and there wasn't a single person who said anything negative.

Just go ahead with what you want - it's your wedding! ❤️