Over wedding ceremony

[Biscuitsgalore18]

Hello,

We are getting married in August, lots of our family/friends are having to book accommodation to stay over and as we all know attending weddings can be expensive. We have planned a really lovely event, so that everyone would have a good time with live music, lots of food and a semi-free bar.

The issue is I have mentioned to a few people that we are having a celebrant wedding with a hand fasting, rather than traditional exchanging of rings etc. we had planned to visit the register a few days beforehand to complete the legal paperwork. So we will be legally married. However, people are saying this is fake, that our guests are being cheated out of attending ‘the real wedding’. Basically we are being completely unreasonable and tricking people and I have my parents and brother wanting to attend the registration office to see us ‘actually get married’ which wouldn’t be possible as we have just booked a £50 one where it’s a maximum 4 people, us and 2 witnesses.

Anyway they are suggesting we cancel the celebrant and arrange for a registrar to attend the venue. I am so upset, I have wanted a hand fasting ever since I was about 10 years old and watched Braveheart. I am 42 now!

AIBU for having a celebrant? Is this an unacceptable way to treat our guests?

I wouldnt even entertain the comments. I'd say something like, I'm sorry you feel that way....thankfully my guests dont/If you've changed your mind about attending please let me know by the end of the week so I can extend the invitation to someone else.

ETA- guests re being invited to the event you are organising, the arentbeing invited to plan it or offer an opinion. They can take it or leave it.

The legal bit is really short so not sure why the venue is worried (unless the handfasting is quite long? Never been to one…). My friend got married last year and literally only had the bare bones of the legal service - no readings, music etc - just vows and signing the register- we must have been through it in about 10/15 minutes. I can’t see how that plus a handfasting would be much longer than half an hour or so which seems perfectly fine for a ceremony (and less than many traditional religious services).

I’ve been to few weddings (mostly post covid) that were separate from the legal bit and they’ve been fine. The only one I didn’t like was an hour plus and outdoors with no plan b for the unseasonably cold June weather. That I thought was a little self indulgent/the couple should have maybe rearranged some of the people speaking etc to do so in the marquee before the meal etc rather than part of the ‘ceremony’ seeing as they were already legally married so it’s not like any of it was essential to be said at that designated time.

Do what you want. If you don't explain they won't notice. Just say you are looking into it until they forget.

Probably not your thing, but the traditional Book of Common Prayer church ceremony has handfasting. I know because we had this when we got married. And a vicar can do both the hand fasting and the legal bit. Surely, there are registrars who do both.

It’s so normal now days for people to get married before their actual wedding.

The last wedding we went to they got married the day before, but did a ceremony at the wedding still they just couldn’t get married there because the venue was her parents farm. I know people as well who got married before having their wedding abroad etc. it’s so common. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

How rude of them to say such nonsense. I'd un-invite anyone who doesn't like it. Who gives a stuff whether its 'legally binding' or not, it's your way of celebrating your commitment. Anyone else can shove their pointless opinions.

People seem to be forgetting, although it's nice to see the actual ceremony, it's not necessary and only 2 witnesses are required to make it legal .

The mistake of OP was to actually mention the handfasting and legal ceremony were on different days . You should have kept it all quiet.

Dh and I ' eloped ' to Gretna Green for a hand fasting when we got engaged. It's a fond memory.

Wedding venue owner here! (Who is licenced for legal weddings)

I've seen some beautiful celebrant led weddings. They add a different element to your wedding and are much more personal, as the celebrant takes time to really get to know the couple. Registrar led weddings are nice but they are all incredibly similar.

I always suggest celebrant led weddings to couples and explain that it is a bit like registering the birth of a child and having a Christening. One is legal, the other symbolic.

Your Wedding will be a celebration of your marriage so you can just word it like that and no one can get upset!

At the end if the day, it is your wedding, your marriage and your commitment to each other which is important. So make sure it is perfect for you!

Wishing you and your Fiancé all the best for your future together! Xx

I would not consider this a real wedding, and no I would not be wasting money on attending it.

Obviously it's up to you what you invite people to, and up to them to accept and decline.

But I do see it their way. I would feel like I was being treated to a show, not witnessing a wedding. Maybe a "show" and free dinner is a nice way to spend a day, but it's not the same thing as watching my loved one get married.

Many religious people, for example, do not feel this.

If you attend a big Muslim wedding, the Nikkah, that will very much be considered ‘the wedding’, with the ‘civil wedding’ havjng bern undertaken as a formality a couple of days earlier. Same with many Hindu weddings. It is a privilege of our establishment that Christians who see marriage as being in the eyes of God rather than the Registrar can nevertheless have their religious ceremonies legally recognised.

Yes, the legal bit is crucial, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it is the most meaningful bit for many couples.

Would you feel the same about a Muslim or Hindu wedding that you were invited to?

Yes.

Do what you want. We had two “weddings”, one at a church for family and the wedding party and the other was a massive bash in France, all accomodation, food, drinks paid for by us. My MiL was our celebrant in France, we all wrote our own parts. Not one person complained. If anyone had said they didn’t want to come because of it, we’d have said that was fine and not held it against them. Marriages are personal things first and foremost in my view and our French wedding was by far the most moving and personal one even though it wasn’t the “legal” one.

It costs a lot more for the registrar to come to your venue. Lots of people do things just as you have planned. Hand fastings are a beautiful part of a ceremony, it all sounds wonderful. Please do your wedding your way and don't let some miserable twonk taint your joy. Congratulations @Biscuitsgalore18

@BananasInThreePieceSuits
With an attitude like that I'd imagine the happy couple might be more than happy that you didn't attend.

I think most people don't tell. That's your problem. I married overseas twice and the legal but was town hall two guests then a fake wedding few days later for the guests

But people will often work it out later. Then you have the drama of "Auntie Eileen just told me that it doesn't count legally if you marry on a beach, so I said "That can't be right, what about my Melanie's wedding?", but she looked it up on Google and showed me, so what was that all about?!". Why not just be upfront and let people make an informed decision?

It's not 'fake'. Hand fasting has real, spiritual meaning to some people. And if this is the case for the bride and groom, they are not selling guests short whether or not it has similar meaning to them.

Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage, OP. Hope your day is everything you wish it to be.

@Alwaysalwayscold You are religious so I'm assuming you would have had a religious ceremony in the holy building of your religion e.g. if you are Christian you would have been married in a church.
Likewise my husband and I have no religion so did not believe it appropriate for us to marry in a religious ceremony in a religious building; we married in a very small civil ceremony in a local pub. For me, I was not comfortable with making promises to a God I have no belief in.
I'm baffled when you say: "So in reality neither of your ceremonies are actually weddings to me."
Why was your ceremony an "actual" wedding but mine not? Surely we both married according to our own personal values and beliefs?

Sorry but I'm not keen on not inviting people to the real wedding but having a fake ceremony instead either. Why not have a registrar come then have the humanist afterwards.

I'm a wedding Celebrant...so I am a bit biased!

It's like registering a birth, which is then followed by a christening...you don't see anyone wanting to come to the registering of the birth. They do however all want to come to the christening!

OP - your wedding sounds wonderful, and that you've made it very special for yourselves.

I can almost guarantee that after the ceremony they'll all be saying how wonderful it was. I'm often told by guests that they hadn't been sure about a Celebrant wedding but are now converted after seeing how personal, funny and emotional the ceremony was.

Yeah, but a legal wedding has real legal meaning to everyone, whether they like it or not. I have no particular interest in watching people partake in their own spiritual beliefs. I want to see where it actually happens - the actual legal change - not something subjective and internal between the two people involved.

(I mean, I'll still come, and I'll enjoy the celebrations and food and drink - don't get me wrong 😅).

FWIW I also have no interest in the idea of having people watch me undergo something which has spiritual meaning to me but not to them. Like, they can come, but I don't expect it to mean the same to them.

I went to a handfasting wedding. Sure the couple got married earlier in the registry office but it was obvious the handfasting ceremony was the 'really wedding for them, even if it technically wasn't the legal bit.
Your guests are strange.

Handfastings were traditionally sort of like an engagement, a 'marriage' to bind the couple for a year and a day and then they'd go through with the legalities (I'm talking hundreds of years ago), so I'm not sure why anyone (especially non-Celts) would view it as the 'real' ceremony

Fuck that. You have invited them to come and share the bit that is important to you. Anyone disrespecting that is a dick.