Over wedding ceremony

[Biscuitsgalore18]

Hello,

We are getting married in August, lots of our family/friends are having to book accommodation to stay over and as we all know attending weddings can be expensive. We have planned a really lovely event, so that everyone would have a good time with live music, lots of food and a semi-free bar.

The issue is I have mentioned to a few people that we are having a celebrant wedding with a hand fasting, rather than traditional exchanging of rings etc. we had planned to visit the register a few days beforehand to complete the legal paperwork. So we will be legally married. However, people are saying this is fake, that our guests are being cheated out of attending ‘the real wedding’. Basically we are being completely unreasonable and tricking people and I have my parents and brother wanting to attend the registration office to see us ‘actually get married’ which wouldn’t be possible as we have just booked a £50 one where it’s a maximum 4 people, us and 2 witnesses.

Anyway they are suggesting we cancel the celebrant and arrange for a registrar to attend the venue. I am so upset, I have wanted a hand fasting ever since I was about 10 years old and watched Braveheart. I am 42 now!

AIBU for having a celebrant? Is this an unacceptable way to treat our guests?

It’s up to you to do what you want, but I would be upset if I missed my son actually get married and that for me would be the legal ceremony. I’m not even in to wedding/marriage but I still would feel cheated to miss the main part of it. Can you at least change the ceremony to include parents and siblings?

People are so rigid minded.

If your venue is licensed for marriages the actual legal bit takes minutes, including the signing. You need a qualified person for that. The rest of your ceremony can be anything you want - so long as venue and the qualified person agree. So registrar can do the "I do" bit and someone else the rest.

They're being ridiculous. I went to a wedding like yours recently. They had a legal ceremony with just 2 witnesses and then a few weeks later hand the wedding. It was a pagan ceremony including a tying the knot piece. It was beautiful and very meaningful for them.
It's your wedding so do it your way.

They are being absolutely ridiculous. This isn’t all that unusual. Dh and I had a humanist wedding with a legal ceremony the morning of the wedding with just a few close family. We have several family who have done the same. None of them ever felt like anything other than a wedding. Actually several people have said our wedding is still the best they’ve ever been to because it was so different. And nearly everyone needed to stay over night of the wedding as too rural. Several family and friends came from New Zealand and the US.

They are being knobs. How awful to have arranged something so personally meaningful and have this response. Tell them the plan is the plan and not changing and that they will be there for the bit you find more meaningful.

On the fence with this one.

On the one hand I want to be open minded and say it’s the bit that is important to you that counts.

On the other I would probably also be miffed if someone close to me (like a sibling) did this and I missed the legal bit.

It wouldn’t bother me if it was a friend and I would happily attend.

I would appreciate the couple being up front that I am invited to a symbolic ceremony, although it wouldn’t affect my attendance if in the UK.

I tend to object for destination weddings though for this reason. All the expense and time off work and faff of going abroad and the couple are already married - but I don’t really see the point of destination weddings unless you are from that country so happy to just be called a Scrooge on that one.

Hi OP, Congratulations!! I am a celebrant and have conducted many ceremonies just like yours...honestly, once your guests are there and have taken part in your beautiful celebrant led ceremony, they will all wonder why they didn't have one themselves. It really will be wonderful, and so much more personal than any ceremony they have ever witnessed led by a registrar.

Ignore them, you don't even need to explain...just rinse and repeat, this is how we wish to celebrate our day and we would love you to join us, but understand if you'd rather not.

Have the best of days ❤️

Tbh OP I agree with them, the meaningful bit of a wedding is the moment the legal contract is made between the bride and groom. Anything else, however lovely it looks, is not a real wedding.

Doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go ahead with your plans as you want them, but maybe you could consider changing your register office package so close family can attend? Or having the legal ceremony just with parents etc at the same venue on the morning of the celebration / arranging for the legal part to be incorporated into the celebration (presuming the venue is licensed).

People always refer to ‘doing the paperwork’ when they talk about the legal ceremony, but it’s not a paperwork exercise. The marriage contract is legally formed by the vows you exchange with each other. You need to sign one signature on one piece of paper but you are married before you pick up the pen!

It's just not up to anyone else. You're not "tricking" anyone unless you're actually lying about what's going to happen and nobody is being forced to attend.

I generally have very little tolerance for the egomaniacal behaviour of brides and grooms who make ridiculous stipulations (eg get rid of your breastfed newborn for the day or you don't love me) but in this case I can't see that you are doing anything wrong. Just stick to your plan and reassure people that they are free to decline the invitation if it isn't proper enough for them.

Just to pre-warn you so that you don't build your hopes up. Depending which county you are in, some Registrars won't do this. Where I am now the Registrars are great and we work together occasionally, but where I lived previously they wouldn't allow celebrants on the premises of the venue within a 2 hour 'window' (very odd rule 🤷‍♀️) Others won't attend at venues who even allow celebrants on their premises! Like we are some kind of rabid breed of dog!! 🤣🤦‍♀️

Do people not realise this is the norm in non-christian weddings in England? Would people really refuse to attend Jewish, Hindu, Sikh and Muslim weddings purely because stupid rules in England don’t see them as equal as Christian weddings?

We went to a handfasting ceremony a few years back. They had been legally wed at the registry a week before hand. Never felt that we had missed out on anything, we had a fantastic day celebrating their marriage. It was better then the typical wedding. It's your day, have the ceremony you want.

Weddings need to be conducted in approved venues, you can't just get the registrar to come to where you are.

OP I did similar. We had the registry office at 10am with 15 family. Then a celebrant did the ceremony in the afternoon with a lot more guests. None of the guests who came to the afternoon only felt cheated: it was an amazing personal heartfelt ceremony that was well received by all guests.

Tbh OP I agree with them, the meaningful bit of a wedding is the moment the legal contract is made between the bride and groom.

The meaningful bit, to you. For the OP the meaningful bit is the hand fasting. For a Muslim bride and groom, the nikah is the meaningful bit. Etc etc.

That’s very common. And sorry but you were stupid to tell anyone. I didn’t tell anyone about what was happening at our wedding. Who cares what they think. I only wanted one ceremony which was the legal one, but personal choice.

If you read my posts I did acknowledge this may be the case, and that OP should check with the venue. It isn't the case in my area

Yes I was replying for the sake of the OP really. In England you can only marry in certain places, and she said she was in England. I didn't want her to get her hopes up about an option that wasn't there.

Better info here https://www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/plan-your-ceremony

Presumably because of the rules of English civil wedding ceremony not being allowed to contain any 'religion'. Obviously humanists shouldn't fall into this category but it may be that some regions interpret handfasting etc as pagan and regard pagan as a religion.
I know a few people that have clearly not religious music/reading declined because they contain 'oh god' 'hell yes' 'heaven' (meaning perfection) etc.

Well, really, becoming legally married is the meaningful part of any ceremony, otherwise you’re not actually married, no matter how ‘meaningful’ your non legal ceremony felt to you…

I agree with the majority saying to do what you want, but I'm not sure about the not telling people as it could create some confusion/ concern on the day! My sibling did this, and it was lovely... but one of the guests was an ex-registrar friend of my parents, who discreetly took me aside after the ceremony, very concerned that they weren't actually married - she was fine once I'd explained that the legal bit had been done a few days before, but she was genuinely worried they'd been 'had'.

the meaningful bit of a wedding is the moment the legal contract is made between the bride and groom.

No, it really isn't. It may be to you, but there are lots of countries where the legal bit is dont privately and then there is a big ceremony which is seen as the really important bit.

My niece is doing something similar in May.
If I am totally honest, I don't really want to go to some kind of "performance". I would far prefer, as her aunt, to attend the actual legal wedding.
However, this is not my choice, so I go with the flow because I love her and her intended.
Both options entail a flight and hotels, if anyone is interested.

A humanist celebration isn't a 'performance'.