Over wedding ceremony

[Biscuitsgalore18]

Hello,

We are getting married in August, lots of our family/friends are having to book accommodation to stay over and as we all know attending weddings can be expensive. We have planned a really lovely event, so that everyone would have a good time with live music, lots of food and a semi-free bar.

The issue is I have mentioned to a few people that we are having a celebrant wedding with a hand fasting, rather than traditional exchanging of rings etc. we had planned to visit the register a few days beforehand to complete the legal paperwork. So we will be legally married. However, people are saying this is fake, that our guests are being cheated out of attending ‘the real wedding’. Basically we are being completely unreasonable and tricking people and I have my parents and brother wanting to attend the registration office to see us ‘actually get married’ which wouldn’t be possible as we have just booked a £50 one where it’s a maximum 4 people, us and 2 witnesses.

Anyway they are suggesting we cancel the celebrant and arrange for a registrar to attend the venue. I am so upset, I have wanted a hand fasting ever since I was about 10 years old and watched Braveheart. I am 42 now!

AIBU for having a celebrant? Is this an unacceptable way to treat our guests?

Usually someone's Avington hello, or good bye, or enjoying music. Fuck all to do with this post though.

I've never been at a wedding that was separate to the actual marriage part. I do think I'd feel a bit "cheated". Your guest will go to expense to be there, probably expect to give you a gift etc - and I think, for a lot of people the marriage is the actual event that they want to witness. So the legal bit. The rest is just a party.

I think as a previous poster mentioned, you probably should have done it your own way, just not actually told anyone that was what was happening. Nobody would have noticed on the day. As a matter of interest, what will your anniversary be? The date of your marriage, or the date of your celebration?

To op, the hand fasting is the actually getting married. The paperwork is sorted separately. You would be missing nothing.

How very unpleasant of you.

We had a humanist celebrant, and had already had our legal ceremony at the registrars office with two witnesses only, none of our guests expressed anything other than happiness for us. I think our neice and her husband did the same. No big deal, it's your day.

Lots of people do this and you're entitled to get married however you choose.
However, I went to a destination wedding a couple of years ago, a boutique hotel (converted monastery) in the middle of nowhere, forced to eat and drink at the VERY expensive hotel, no alternative as it was too far away from any town, cost an absolute fortune only to find out it wasn't a "real" wedding but a blessing.
The couple were planning on having a registry office wedding on their return.
I was pretty p'd off as I was happy to pay to attend their "wedding" but it wasn't a wedding.
Two years later and they've still not had the official ceremony 🙄

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride that’s so cheeky! See my earlier post for my views one destination weddings but to not even get legally married at all, what was the point?

You have different beliefs. To you, the hand fasting is the real marriage and the registry office is just the legal bit, unimportant.

To them, and me, the legal marriage is the important bit and the hand fasting is just a party with a fake ceremony in it.

Neither of you are wrong, you just have different beliefs, BUT if you ask people to spend money to see you get married, imo you ought to let them see you get married. Seeing a hand fasting means nothing to me and it seems they feel the same.

If possible I would suggest you rearrange so that the registrar marries you while your family are there.

This is the reason we eloped, and why I never attend a wedding if I can possibly help it. Everyone with an opinion on how things should be done (when presumably they organized their own weddings the way they saw fit), the pressure to conform with an identikit ceremony, completely predictable itinerary, 'unique' themes that are really a small variation on a very narrow set of ideas, and the tedium of a tried and tested format because it's 'tradition', and because relatives and others expect that's the way it will be done.

But apparently it's a-okay to leave people standing around for hours whilst endless photos are taken, or expect half the guests to bugger off and entertain themselves whilst the others eat, or indulge in other inconsiderate ways to treat guests because 'it's our day', as long as Tradition is followed to the letter. I'd far rather attend a wedding where the couple actually behaved as hosts and considered the guests who are doing them the favour by attending, rather than the other way round.

Frankly, a hand fasting ceremony and something a bit different would be a welcome relief in comparison with any of the above. In memory they all look the same after a while.

Nothing turns me off faster than the word 'tradition'.

I think it's fine
A good friend of mine had a fasting on her farm. Her, hubby, bro and sil had popped off to the Lakes the week prior and done the paperwork stuff. We got to see their personal vows. We got to sing their song choices. We got to see them make a dedication to each other about love rather than legalities.

I'd say anyone offended at not seeing the official bot is missing the point

?

@SerafinasGoose I agree those weddings sound like a massive ball ache. Your wedding sounds lovely. It's not one or the other. It's just that not all guests will consider that they are witnessing a wedding when it has no legal standing. FWIW for me, the irritation comes from the same place - the sense that I'm supposed to really care about the couple's personal feelings and beliefs, rather than simply wish them well in a universal and important rite of passage, and enjoy a knees up. I feel that with Instagrammy weddings too, believe me!

Ok, to clarify, I understand that a hand fasting may feel more meaningful to the couple, but the reality is that it is not more meaningful in the pursuit of becoming legally married which is the whole point of a wedding. Humanist /pagan ceremonies can be lovely, but they are not actual weddings no matter how much you wish they were.

OP if you go ahead as planned it’s best to be open with your guests in advance. That way you will know that everyone who attends is on board and you don’t risk there being any bad feeling on the day itself.

but the reality is that it is not more meaningful in the pursuit of becoming legally married which is the whole point of a wedding

Really? If thats true, people would not have religious or big weddings, they would just go to the registry office and do the bare basics. A lot of people dont because this is not the most important thing to them.

you don’t risk there being any bad feeling on the day itself.

Anyone who would whip up 'bad feelings' because they dont approve of the way the couple organized their day is a twat.

I've not been bothered at UK weddings I've attended before- at Hindu weddings for example it's totally normal for the legal bit to happen early in the week of celebrations.
In that sense I don't think you're being unreasonable.

It's not really relevant to OP but the situation I did get a tad annoyed about was when I went to an abroad wedding that really was just an excuse for a piss up with a five minute 'ceremony'. I knew they were having the legal bit before but they ended up making a big deal out of that too and having a lunch for 30 after, which made me a bit perplexed as town hall and lunch for 30 would be many people's idea of a nice wedding. The three day bender in a vineyard in the middle of nowhere abroad really was just a party and I wouldn't have dragged the kids along if I had been clued in!

Very common, for anyone who is a religion other than Christian. Religious ceremony not legally binding, so you nip off to the registry office before or afterwards.

Your friends are a bit dumb, that's how plenty of other people 'get married' ... Hindus, Muslims etc. The ceremony is the variable. The signing the document is the legal bit. It's unfortunate when you find out your friends and family are a bit thick! Hope it all works itself out.

This is so dumb, sorry of I've misunderstood you. The ceremony whatever religion is just made up stuff. Signing of the register is the legally binding part. I'm shocked people don't even realise this. A Christian wedding would be meaningless in about 80% (or whatever that stat is) of the world.

I’m surprised at the number of people who say it is normal to separate the legal bit and the party / show bit. I have never come across this.

I am with the guests, I would also be very unhappy if I had paid to travel and stay overnight only to find out it was not the actual wedding. I would be especially upset to be left out of the actual wedding if I were the parent or sibling. I think it should be my choice as to whether I want to attend to watch a married couple tying strings around each others wrists,

They're being unreasonable really, let them know there's no obligation to come if that's how they feel

When we looked into getting married we found there is ONE hotel in the town that is licenced for weddings. A few barn type venues in the surrounding countryside, and on Saturdays, only the library which is limited to 30 guests if you want the registry office - the big room is only available on Fridays. So as a couple who didn't want a church wedding, didn't want to spend thousands of pounds on the one and only naff hotel in town or a vastly expensive barn venue, what were we meant to do? We decided to have family only at the registry office and have a separate ceremony where we wanted with the number of people we wanted officiated by a lovely, professional celebrant. I'm not sure how else we could have had a wedding on a budget with the guests we wanted on a day people could make it! There is apparently a plan to relax the rules to allow registrants to marry people in other places which would be sensible, but it isn't the case yet.

I’m a Sikh, handfasting is an extremely important part of the wedding ceremony.

This. I agree that I'd want to be at the actual wedding as a family member.

I can only say again, I have never in 50 odd years been to a “wedding” where the actual wedding occurred separately and people were only invited to the party part. I have been to loads of venues that have a licence for weddings, or have attended the church / registry office to watch the exchanging of vows and then transfered to a hotel for a meal afterwards. I can’t really comment on what you were meant t do because I have no idea why you found this so difficult, I don’t recall anyone I know having such trouble. 🤷‍♀️

I mean, I said in my post why we found it difficult

local authority venue is limited to 30 on Saturdays

only licenced venues in the area were £££££

we aren't religious

what's the alternative? I expect your friends and family spent ££££ on a ceremony and meal at a licenced venue. That's out of the reach of many people.