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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DNA test

112 replies

Sunshin80 · 21/01/2024 09:26

Hi all, AIBU to feel upset about this...

Me and partner been together for over 10 years now. 2 children together one is 11 and one is 3. He is asking for a DNA test for the younger one as he has trust issues with anyone he's been with. The main reason that doesn't help with this is the fact the younger one has blonde hair and blue eyes and the older one brown hair brown eyes. Also worth adding he has another child with his ex who also has brown hair and brown eyes. I feel like just because our youngest has broken the mold and come out with more traits on my side he's now questioning it and it's eating him up a little inside. None of us have blue eyes we have brown and green and he has dark hair and I am quite fair. My aunt and uncle both have blue eyes and blonde hair so it's in my side. He also went to see family members and they said to him "who does he look like because he doesn't look like any of us" ( I was fuming at this as I felt it a really uncalled for comment ) my main reason for posting is I just feel really down about the whole thing and it makes me sad for the younger one aswel. He doesn't treat him any different at all and I'm also not bothered about the results as I know full well what they would say 100% no doubt about it. I also have never given him any reason to doubt me i might also add. Just feeling a mixture of emotions really

OP posts:
ZombieGirl86 · 21/01/2024 09:33

Id be angry, offended and dissapointed. If you do it he will get the reassurance but asking you has damaged your relationship permanently. Sounds like he is insecure, which isnt a one off issue.

I think you need to sit down with him and explain why this is so hurtful. X

KT8282 · 21/01/2024 09:40

My 2yo has scandi blonde hair. My newborn has red hair. Husband and I both brown haired. The kids are obviously ours based on facial appearance. Husband and I were both blonde as kids-hair colour changes with time!

Beezknees · 21/01/2024 09:44

This is a major issue. He's basically accusing you of cheating. He needs to get some kind of counselling about this insecurity.

My DS has brown eyes and neither me or my ex (his dad) do.

Mothership4two · 21/01/2024 09:46

I would have been beyond offended if DH had said this to me and would seriously have reconsidered our relationship. It sounds from your post OP that there may have been a bit of gossiping within his family which is pretty sad. Has DP had any help for his issues?

BTW DH, DS2 and I have dark brown hair and hazel eyed, but DS1 is very blond and blue eyed.

GreyhpundGirl · 21/01/2024 09:56

So you agree to the DNA test? Do you really think that will be the end if it? If he doesn't trust you to this degree, something else will always pop up.

Original poster
Sunshin80 · 21/01/2024 10:28

It does basically mean he thinks I've cheated. I do think his family have been gossiping and then that's fueled his insecurity even further. I do feel really offended and it makes me feel like I don't like him in a way. I just think if I don't get it he'll think I'm hiding something but if I do then I'm the one carrying round this little bit of hate towards him that I can't shake off. Things a good between us that the thing to

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 21/01/2024 10:31

So ridiculous. Many siblings look different. Mine are white / Asian (Indian) and our son could pass as being 100% Asian with dark hair and eyes and his skin is same colour as his dad. DD has blue eyes and very pale skin and could pass as being 100% white. He’s never questioned her parentage. I’d have been fuming if he did

ChangeAgain2 · 21/01/2024 10:33

I'd get the DNA rest done to put his mind at rest. Id then insist in counselling if he wants to continue the relationship so you can work through the hurt and anger of being accused of cheating.

Express0 · 21/01/2024 10:39

I would send him some links on how genetics work.
Im blonde with blue eyes. My parents and my sister are brown with brown eyes.

RiderofRohan · 21/01/2024 10:44

He needs therapy for his issues, not a DNA test.

Anyway, what's it to do with you? Can't he just take to child and get one himself. Why does he need you to facilitate this?

Justanything86 · 21/01/2024 10:45

I would say that HE is welcome to do one if HE chooses. You cannot stop him from doing so. You do not need to facilitate this madness.
I would also mention that he has effectively called you a liar and a cheat and you will be expecting that he comes with you to see a couples therapist when you are proven right and that he has some serious grovelling to do.

MorrisZapp · 21/01/2024 10:50

There was a really similar thread last week. Bewildered, passive op a bit put out because her in laws had questioned paternity of her child, and DH didn't shut it down. That thread got lots of engagement.

NotQuiteNorma · 21/01/2024 10:53

Tell him to get it done himself as it's only him questioning it. My parents were both brown eyed and dark haired. I am blonde and blue eyed. The resemblance is so strong that I've had complete strangers who knew both my parents approach me in the street saying that they knew exactly who I was because they said I am the image of my father but also very like my mum and they knew straight away it was me.

Sapphire387 · 21/01/2024 10:55

I wonder if he's been faithful to you tbh. Accusing you like this is very odd behaviour.

FictionalCharacter · 21/01/2024 10:55

Justanything86 · 21/01/2024 10:45

I would say that HE is welcome to do one if HE chooses. You cannot stop him from doing so. You do not need to facilitate this madness.
I would also mention that he has effectively called you a liar and a cheat and you will be expecting that he comes with you to see a couples therapist when you are proven right and that he has some serious grovelling to do.

All of this.

His accusation, that another man fathered your child, is very serious. He should understand that many women could not forgive this.

I'd also be concerned about how he treats the child if he believes he's not his son.

C1N1C · 21/01/2024 10:58

I'd be hurt, but already knowing the answer, I'd have no problems going through with it.

I'd make him make it up to you though.

"When this test comes back as yours, you've got some grovelling to do. You've basically accused me of cheating, and a simple dinner or pair of earrings isn't going to cut it."

defective · 21/01/2024 11:01

Beezknees · 21/01/2024 09:44

This is a major issue. He's basically accusing you of cheating. He needs to get some kind of counselling about this insecurity.

My DS has brown eyes and neither me or my ex (his dad) do.

brown is dominant, so one of the parents has to have it, and it has to show

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/01/2024 11:02

I'm one of 3. My older brother has dark brown hair and brown eyes, like our father had. I have dark brown hair and blue eyes, like our mother had. My younger brother has fair hair and blue eyes. I have a cleft chin/dimple, which absolutely nobody else on either side of the family has - it was long believed that this was impossible if neither parent had one; fortunately, I am like a 50-50 clone of both my parents!

Your partner needs to know quite a bit more about genetics before he starts accusing you of infidelity, which is clearly causing harm to your relationship.

C1N1C · 21/01/2024 11:06

Am I the only one who thinks dna tests should be conducted routinely, as a matter of fact on EVERY baby.

This would stop men raising children who are not their own. It would also get around those infrequent (but probably happens more than we'd think) incidents of baby swapping st hospitals...

I don't see the harm at all.

It would also mean we have a confirmed dna ancestry tree of our entire planet. I see it as an all-round win.

defective · 21/01/2024 11:07

Express0 · 21/01/2024 10:39

I would send him some links on how genetics work.
Im blonde with blue eyes. My parents and my sister are brown with brown eyes.

The trouble with sending him links about how genetics works is that he has a point. Blue is a recessive allele, so he could be carrying it and not showing it BUT one of HIS parents would likely be showing it, or one of his grandparents. it has to be in his family somewhere, and if he can't see it anywhere at all other than in his child, yes, he is going to question.

It looks from the OP that there are no blue eyes anywhere in the family. Is he of African or Asian decent? if so it is possible that a blue allele could be passed down for many generations without being obvious. But it is unusual

OP, if he has a genuine query, then maybe a paternity test would put his mind at rest? As long as you make it clear this is a one off, and you are not going to be proving yourself with other things regularly,

It is a biggy though, and if he has doubts, maybe it is best to settle them early, for the child's sake

BluePinkPurple · 21/01/2024 11:09

defective · 21/01/2024 11:01

brown is dominant, so one of the parents has to have it, and it has to show

Show quote history

It’s more complex than that. I too have a brown eyed child, neither mine nor his Dads eyes are brown. We looked into it out of curiosity (there was never a suggestion I cheated) and it’s totally possible albeit a rare occurrence

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 21/01/2024 11:09

Not normal and I'd be hugely offended if this were my partner. Our youngest looks like a tiny version of my mum and her family. His genes haven't come through at all. And yet he's never even intimated that she might not be his because of course she is. Disgusting behaviour.

LakeTiticaca · 21/01/2024 11:10

Genetics is a lottery it can throw up allsorts of combinations. I wouldn't tolerate him and his family's accusations and would be showing the whole bloody lot of them.thw door

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/01/2024 11:11

I absolutely would be reconsidering the relationship if that is the level of trust. However many times on here we see trust your gut, go through their phone, use an air tag, hire a private investigator. Is this really any different?