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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family help when you had a newborn

121 replies

Overthebow · 21/01/2024 01:39

If you have a mum who is able, did they come and help out when you had a newborn? What help did they give? I have a toddler and a newborn, DH is back at work and to be fair does do a reasonable amount for baby but he works long hours and I do the majority of the nights. I don’t have any family close by. My mum said before baby was born she would come and stay for a week when DH went back to work to help out, we don’t have the best relationship so I was really grateful she said this. However when baby was born and she came briefly to meet baby I asked about her coming again to help and she has booked a holiday instead so now won’t be coming. Aibu to be upset about this? I see my friends mums all helping a lot and I guess I just feel a bit alone.

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 21/01/2024 01:45

I'm really sorry, OP. That is a bit shit.

However I wouldn't even depend on my own mum if she made an offer like this.

Can you put your toddler in nursery? Thankfully ours was already in nursery when our second baby arrived 6 months ago. So this really helps us.

HerRoyalNotness · 21/01/2024 01:48

Zero help from family in 16yrs. Apart from MIL who came and watched the baby when I went to register them. 🤷🏽‍♀️

it’s shit, I know

WandaWonder · 21/01/2024 01:51

Bit you knew what she was like when you had your first child so why would it be different when you had another, it can't really be a surprise

You will have to cope somehow she won't be living with you, all you can do is get into a routine now

coxesorangepippin · 21/01/2024 01:54

Oh god op I know exactly how you feel. It's so disappointing.

I must add that we do live abroad, so it's not easy for my family to just pop over from the UK.

My mum visited when both my kids were three months old, stopped for ten days each time.

Very, very little support from DH's family.

The kids are older now, and looking back on how tough it is with a newborn, I cannot believe how little help we got. Unbelievable.

HeddaGarbled · 21/01/2024 01:55

No. She was working, but I didn’t know this was a common thing that people did. TBH, I was glad to have the house to myself and to start to try to get into my own routine without interference. I don’t think my H would have been thrilled to have my mum in the house every evening and night either, impinging on our privacy.

Literallyshakingrn · 21/01/2024 01:55

My own mum died when I was 13 and we live hundreds of miles from inlaws so never had any help with 3 kids, unless it was paid.
It's one of my few ambitions to hope we live close enough to my daughters & daughter in-law to be able to help them if they have babies/small children. DH would be a fantastic grandparent as he is very hands on. When our kids were tiny he was working very long hours.

coxesorangepippin · 21/01/2024 01:56

The best approach, op, is to do things to make it easy for you. Cos no-one else will!!

So no massive long journeys visiting people with the baby, complicated hosting responsibilities from you and your DH etc.

Get the kids in daycare if possible, etc..

WinterSnowFox · 21/01/2024 02:13

No help and I didn’t have a partner I was a lone parent but no family didn’t help and never have done even now my mum lives 10 mins away and never helps with my children

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 21/01/2024 02:14

Zero support from family. DH’s overseas and v low income, mine lived far away but never helped when we/they visited. Didn’t help with first and pre eclampsia, or second with a 1 yr old, special care and me massive blood loss.

GreyhpundGirl · 21/01/2024 02:34

My mum died years before my daughter was born. My dad, who lives the other end of the country came to visit when she was 3/4 weeks old but he came to see us (only grandchild) , not to help as such. I wouldn't expect anyone other than my husband to help but I didn't have a difficult birth etc.

Popcorn23 · 21/01/2024 03:44

Hmm, that's not great that you haven't had the help you were promised.

On the flip side, I had overbearing family members who wanted to do things I should have done in the first few weeks because 'they knew best'. I'll always regret I didn't say anything.

Badgerandfox227 · 21/01/2024 03:55

No no help here either, grandparent visits to hold the baby but that’s all. Agree it’s hard when you see other moms having more involved grandparents, and now I know how I’ll be when my children eventually become parents.

Xis · 21/01/2024 04:24

In my culture it’s standard for your mother and often your mother-in-law to land for a few months at a time, so much so, it has a unique name. Obviously it is usually very helpful but can be challenging if you don’t get on with your MIL and she insists on coming! My cousin took advantage of her MIL’s visit to finish her thesis.

However, this sort of thing is strongly influenced by culture. Country culture, community culture and family culture. You will only be disappointed if you expect help because your friends or your neighbour had help. Consider what’s usual in your country, your community and your family.

I suggest people explicitly ask for help before the baby arrives if they think such a request would be acceptable. From what I read on Mumsnet many people seem to want to keep the world out in the early days and some women like to project the image that they are totally in control. Relatives may not want to be seen as interfering so sometimes you have to ask for help if you need it.

HungryandIknowit · 21/01/2024 04:26

No help either. I would try not to dwell on it. It's great if grandparents have a v close relationship with kids due to caring responsibilities, but I think a lot of them don't really want to as they are older or have their own lives to lead. They can still have a good relationship with them. If you can afford it I would recommend putting the older one in nursery a few days pw.

Lizzieregina · 21/01/2024 04:34

I didn’t live anywhere near family, so didn’t have any help, and quite frankly I was ok with that. I loved being alone with DS when he was a newborn, and was fine with both him and DD when she was born (he was almost 2).

My MIL did come when #3 was born because I was actually ill and needed to have surgery almost right away. Honestly, she just held the baby all the time while I did all the running with the other two (after I’d had my 3 days recovery) so if not for the surgery I’d have been fine alone with the three of them.

I plan to be available if my kids have kids, but I’ll definitely wait to be asked as I really preferred not having anyone around, and will give them that choice too.

Govangirl · 21/01/2024 05:01

Yes she did, she came up on the day I went into labour, and stayed for 10 days as I had an emergency c-section and was more or less bed bound. She was a godsend, but by day 6 I did start wondering if she’d ever leave and I’d be allowed some quiet time with my baby (and could she please stop rearranging my crockery drawer)! DH’s family less so, they were really clingy which wasn’t helpful or conducive to my healing (mental & physical).

Sorry about your mum OP. I think yanbu to be upset about this, especially if she expressly said she would be there. I probably wouldn’t get into a blazing row about it, but when the time was right I might say something like “I was a bit upset that you weren’t there when you said you would be Mum, I could have really used the support.”

You’ll get through it either way, though I know it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Congrats on your lovely new baby!

tokesqueen · 21/01/2024 06:41

What about dads? Family help doesn't have to be female.
As it was, we had zero. PIL an hour away and DM who was still working pt and not that interested in helping anyway. She lived 15 mins away and we often went weeks without seeing her.
It's why I went back to work or at four and five months each time. It was the only break we ever got.

Beezknees · 21/01/2024 06:43

No help. I was 18 as well. I don't resent my mum, it's my child after all but I'd like to think I'd help my DC with grandchildren where I can, that's what families do imo.

MaryShelley1818 · 21/01/2024 06:46

My mam doesn't drive, but if I'd wanted to I could have drove to my mam or DMIL and they would have watched the baby. I didn't want to though so just did lots of visits to them. Since I returned to work they both looked after DS once a day each until he started school and now both look after DD each for one day a week. We don't ask for any other help as feel they do enough doing that. Both children absolutely love their Grandparents though and we do regularly see them socially.

Wadermellone · 21/01/2024 06:47

I don’t think it’s norm to have someone stay a week when a baby is born. Unless the person lives so far away they won’t be visiting much.

Though having made the offer it’s a big shit that she is now not doing it.

My parents came and visited. They didn’t live far so would come a couple of times a week. They wouldn’t expect to be waited on but came for baby cuddles. That’s all I really wanted them to do. Good chance to have a shower and to drink a cup of tea.

I liked being able to establish my own routine with my babies when their dad went back to work.

quisensoucie · 21/01/2024 06:51

Sorry, but this is the case for many, many women.
Was she involved with your first? If yes, ask her why she isn't getting involved with this one. If not, well perhaps you were expecting a miracle to occur...

duckpancakes · 21/01/2024 06:53

None really as it was covid times and the government led us to believe we should all isolate ourselves

Missingmybabysomuch · 21/01/2024 06:54

I know people on here will say "it's your baby so your problem" effectively.
Yes. We know. We know we chose to have a baby. We know no-one has any OBLIGATION to help us. But it doesn't stop it feeling shit when you own mum is happy to see you struggling and be absolutely exhausted and yet not want to help. It sucks to see other mums getting to meet friends for brunch or get their hair done or even have a shower and a cup.of tea while someone else helps. I feel for you @Overthebow
I have 2 DC and my eldest is 7 and in 7 years the only.help we've had is that my mum looked after my eldest for an hour and a half after school while I was in labour (Baby was born at 4pm and my DH cuddled her briefly then left to see to the eldest).
I have 2 girls and there is no way I would willingly watch them struggle rather than help. Not saying I'd be there 24/7 but I would ensure they got a break. Besides which, I would want to spend time with my grandchildren!

Dazedandfrazzled · 21/01/2024 07:00

Unfortunately we went into lockdown 3 weeks after I git home, so I was isolated and alone. Even then, I have elderly parents so don't ask for much as they would want to help but can't. It's hard, really hard, so sympathies with you. Please make sure the father steps up, as my H didn't and for some reason I didn't say anything for about a year after I was nearly broken

Justfinking · 21/01/2024 07:02

Wadermellone · 21/01/2024 06:47

I don’t think it’s norm to have someone stay a week when a baby is born. Unless the person lives so far away they won’t be visiting much.

Though having made the offer it’s a big shit that she is now not doing it.

My parents came and visited. They didn’t live far so would come a couple of times a week. They wouldn’t expect to be waited on but came for baby cuddles. That’s all I really wanted them to do. Good chance to have a shower and to drink a cup of tea.

I liked being able to establish my own routine with my babies when their dad went back to work.

It definitely is in many cultures. Not my thing, but I know so many people whos mothers (or MIL) will come to stay with them for months and help them to look after the baby (or toddler, plus cook and clean). It's actually quite incredible to see, I don't think many Western grandparents would do the same.