Family help when you had a newborn

[Overthebow]

If you have a mum who is able, did they come and help out when you had a newborn? What help did they give? I have a toddler and a newborn, DH is back at work and to be fair does do a reasonable amount for baby but he works long hours and I do the majority of the nights. I don’t have any family close by. My mum said before baby was born she would come and stay for a week when DH went back to work to help out, we don’t have the best relationship so I was really grateful she said this. However when baby was born and she came briefly to meet baby I asked about her coming again to help and she has booked a holiday instead so now won’t be coming. Aibu to be upset about this? I see my friends mums all helping a lot and I guess I just feel a bit alone.

Oh I can see why you're so disappointed. I guess you now know that you just can't rely on her. To answer your question, I got loads of help, my retired parents live miles away but came and stayed nearby for a few weeks to give me a hand. I suppose it was nice when they went as I could start to get my own routine going, but I'm very grateful to them for being there

It’s shit.

After 2 sections one of which was emergency with a general anaesthetic I got nothing from nobody apart from dh on paternity leave for 2 weeks.
After 2 weeks when dh had gone back to work, I was pushing the pram through the snow taking my other child to school as I couldn’t yet drive.

My mother and sister turned up to see the baby, sat in their coats in my dining room waiting for me to finish breast feeding so I could make them a cup of tea.
I shouted to them “stick the kettle on, I’m gasping, not had a drink yet today” to which the answer was,” no it’s ok, we will wait for you to do it”.

Cunts.

Luckily none of them have even a crumb of interest in us so it was a few years before I had to be in their company again.

Same with my (multiple) miscarriages , I was in hospital alone and alone when I got home during and after them. DH had to stay home with our little one because no one would babysit to allow him to be with me.

It’s not a great feeling knowing that not one person gives a shit about you. Neither my family nor my ILS.

I went back home a few weeks before mine were born and moved in with my parents until they were eight weeks old.
My parents did everything except feeds, as I was breastfeeding.
Sorry yours let you down op.

My parents changed their working hours so that one of them could pop in from 4-6 most days. They would take the baby out in the sling or buggy and I would have a shower!!!!! or/and a nap. When they came back they would hand over DC and do a quick wash up, before heading off just as DH was coming in from work.

It was wonderful and kept my sanity! We had a particular door bell on that rented flat, and if I ever hear it I get a Pavlovian reaction of relief from all those 4pm arrivals!

Zero help from family here although plenty of unhelpful advice . I found HCPs just assumed there was an army of family around helping!

A lovely neighbour cooked us some freezer meals.

With hindsight I wish we'd bought in help, probably a maternity nurse (didn't know these existed!), or paid for a nursery place for half a day a week from six weeks. DH did all the housework and laundry for weeks.

We didn't have a second child!

I don’t blame you for being disappointed and hurt. You should be able to expect help from your mother if she’s well and fit and not working. As she won’t help, could you get a postnatal doula to help a few hours a day?

It's so hurtful that she offered help then booked a holiday. Worse than never offering to help. Is she generally shit?

ILs didn't visit for months and then were lovely but not actually helpful. Dp came about once a week, would bring food and order to hold baby while I napped, entertain toddler etc.

To be honest, it's not always easy to know how people can help. Getting a cleaner in for an hour a week made the biggest difference, and sending dc1 to nursery.

I’m from a huge family and in a culture that generally does help but I’ve had absolutely zero. I remember being v sick with v high temp and three kids under 5 …. My husband was away and my kids were bad sleepers when small . I got loads of “ get well” messages from my family but no offer of any practical support . Dentist trips with kids , all three with me in a+e once …etc etc . I actually would have loved even my mum wanting to spend time with me and kids in a playground etc but it never happen and now my kids are older and my parents are older it never will.
Im lucky that my dh and I are a good team and we are really independent but childcare in our case has been a nightmare, actually much harder once in school as our area has v v little childcare . We juggle everything. We’ve done everything on our own , my in laws actually cause work so are completely no help either . We are thinking of moving abroad again far away , why not! It is what it is , extremely odd but what can we do . I’ve given up a long time ago. Of course no one’s obligated to help ever but I’d never do the same.

@RidingMyBike I agree , I hate the assumption that everyone has help or re people who don’t think they do and them mention “ oh my parents gave them 3 days after school but that’s about it “ ….em so loads of help then !

my own mother came and helped when all my babies

Got no help from my mother, I had had EMCS and haemorraged too, she was present for that bit but she preferred to minimise. I was so envious of my friends whose mothers came, stayed and looked after them and helped with the baby for a week or so after coming out of hospital. I got none of that and I think I could have done with a bit of TLC after my DC were born. I plan to offer and be available for my own DD's in a way my own mother wasn't for me, if they would like it. I wouldn't go off on holiday if they said thanks but no thanks mum I think we can manage without you, because my own experience was that it wasn't until I was home with the baby and didn't know where to start that I really could have done with her support.

My mum only lived 5 miles down the road, it wouldn't have been that much of an effort for her to rock up every morning and let herself in...

I had no help at all and ex husband went to rehab for 6 months when baby was 2 weeks and toddler 2 years and we had just moved into this enormous house with lots of stairs and beige carpets and it was so very tough but I got through it.
so yes it will be hard and you will cope.

It’s such a minefield to get right. You have posts like this complaining of no help and then lots of people posting that they’re banning visitors for months from birth. Nobody knows what to do anymore!

What about your husband/partner? How did he feel about that?
I couldn’t think of anything worse!

Where I come from, it is customary for your mum/ family to help for the first 45 days.

That sounds really tough, especially when you expected help based on what she'd said.

I had the opposite issue. DM offered to help but then she decided what the help looked like. It's wasn't helpful. My mental health really struggled as she's too sensitive to cope with direct chats about it, so I had to pussy foot around whilst coping after a c-section.

And she was always "there". The memories of bringing DC home are mingled with what did mum and I argue about that day.

I'm sorry your mum's like that. Mine did nothing, not even a visit. I had to bring my baby over to see her a few weeks later. My parents were not interested and never helped out. It is, what it is. Congrats on your new baby, enjoy your time together ❤️

my mom came for about a week with all 3 of mine. nothing since. Eldest is 16. My mother in law has provided childcare for 2 of them 5 days with my second from age of 2 and 3 day for my 3rd from 6 months

DM didn’t offer to help and I didn’t need help. I was happy to get on with it and learn on the job. DH had a week off work. Didn’t have any help when I had the second one either although DM did look after our first while I was in hospital.

First time CS,ex H had a week off. Parents lived some way off,DM, didn't drive,both working long hours. By the time I had my last DM was dead,DF born 1926, never even made a cup of tea,no way any sort of childcare. DH had a week off work.

When I had my first my mum would come frequently for a few hours at a time she was brilliant I was very fortunate. My MIL worked f/t. When I had my second 15 months later my mum had gone back to work p/t and on the days she wasn’t working she looked after my nephew 9 months old. I was dreading my DH going back to work however I managed fine. I did not put pressure on myself to do household tasks apart from cooking everything else was done at the weekend. I think if my children have babies at the same age I did I will still be working for financial reasons but hope to do what I can to help out.

No help at all from my mother, who at the time didn't work and was as fit as a fiddle. She did however regularly drive past my house to clean for her son, a grown adult who lived alone in a small house. Whilst I struggled to even walk after suffering severe PGP throughout my pregnancy.

When my sister had kids (before me) she took a week off work and moved in with her to help!

I personally don't think there can be any expectation in regards to family and childcare. My mum (and in-laws) helps out if I ask but this is more so with our 4y/o than the baby. I managed just fine with pre-schooler and new baby when my husband went back to work, as I think most families do without relying on family members to stay and pick up the slack.

My son in law had two weeks paternity leave and I stayed for the week after that. We didn’t live close by, so I had to stay, rather than visit each day.

Loads of help from my mum. And my Dad.

Sorry she let you down. That's shit.

Be kind to yourself. Don't take.on anything you don't need to yet.