Family help when you had a newborn

[Overthebow]

If you have a mum who is able, did they come and help out when you had a newborn? What help did they give? I have a toddler and a newborn, DH is back at work and to be fair does do a reasonable amount for baby but he works long hours and I do the majority of the nights. I don’t have any family close by. My mum said before baby was born she would come and stay for a week when DH went back to work to help out, we don’t have the best relationship so I was really grateful she said this. However when baby was born and she came briefly to meet baby I asked about her coming again to help and she has booked a holiday instead so now won’t be coming. Aibu to be upset about this? I see my friends mums all helping a lot and I guess I just feel a bit alone.

I didn't expect help we have 3 toddlers the twins were the last pregnancy and we just got in with it. They've recently been going to my parents every other weekend and they love it and I love being able to catch up with the housework etc, but I didn't expect the help but it sure is very much appreciated

My mother always said 'Ive done my years of changing shitty nappies, I won't be doing it again'. Which is fair enough. I never left my kids with her as she was violent to us as kids, and my nephew. But she made it clear she wouldn't help and that was fine by me.

In-laws were great but even then we only asked for occasional baby sitting and they were more than happy to do it.

Wow I didn’t expect so many replies! I’m ok and not struggling too much. It’s a lot harder having a toddler around then when I had my first and it was just the baby to look after, but my DH does do as much as he can around his work and we do have our toddler in nursery a couple of days a week so it’s not that bad. I think it’s just that it is hard and of course I’m tired and there are hard days and it hurts a bit that my own mum hasn’t come to give a bit of help and is on holiday instead. I know we can’t expect help and I don’t, I just hoped that she might want to help for just a couple of days or just ask how I am really.

I have been very fortunate with my mum and intend to pay it forward with my own children. She was still working full time when my eldest was born, but by the second was working part time and I have been extremely spoiled that she came every week for a couple of days, she then retired fully when my youngest was two. My children have an incredible bond with their Granny and I always make sure she knows just how very grateful we are

With my 1st child my in laws helped out a bit, for context we had my 2 dss living with us so they already were involved with them a lot. With my 2nd. They helped out a bit, it was just my husband. Ds and baby (and me) by then but they took them out a handful of times for days out. My own parents would babysit less as my mum worked long hours. With my 3rd child no one really wanted to know. By then my fil was terminally ill, my mum.had to give up work because she became too sick to work. It made me appreciate the help we had with the other 2.

I didn't expect any help as no family live nearby and to be honest I was happy to be at home in my baby bubble. I was lucky to have a very chilled baby so I didn't want or need any help.

But it's not good that you were expecting help and your DM then backtracked. Try and let your upset go... enjoy the bond you're building with your baby... it's your DM that's missing out.

Zero help

Everyone kept saying “I want to help” but what they meant was “I want to pop in for an hr and hold your gorgeous baby while she sleeps in the middle of the day, also can you fetch me some tea and biscuits”

No one wanted to actually help like with housework or nappy changes or night wakings or buggy pushing or amusing toddler etc

It is very very hard, especially when you see other families behaving differently.

I hope you’re ok. If you are sitting and crying that is pretty normal at this time.

I’m a grandma. I’m happy to help and if I’d been asked to visit for a week following my grandchildren’s births I would have been thrilled. However my husband and I have worked our entire lives and now we want to do stuff for us too. I’m sure it’s great to have help but you must remember they are your children and your responsibility.

That's awful op. I know how tough it is.
My dear mum loves about 6000 miles away and yet came over for 3 months each time my dc were born.
All I had to do was just focus on myself and baby. She took care of everything. I think I only cooked one time in 3 months! When my second was born, she helped us so much again. Filled in the gap with my older one so that he adjusted well, did all the school runs, fed us and stocked up our freezer before she left! It's our culture though, and in turn we take care of our parents when they get older.

I never asked for help because I definitely didn’t want it. I just got on with it, even with three under five.

I get it.

it’s not that your not coping. It’s just that you had hoped that she might be there for you and she’s not. I’m guessing this isn’t the first time you’ve felt let down by her ?

I’ve worked my entire life too, I’m fact I’m still working more than full time and I’m in my 60s. But I’d be happy to help my DD / DIL after childbirth.

Saying that you’d “ be thrilled “ to be ask but then implying that you’d refuse because “ you need to do stuff for you” doesn’t make you sound great @Lovepeaceunderstanding . I can only assume you have a very distant relationship with your children and their partners.

I’m pretty sure that @Overthebow is well aware that her kids are her responsibility . Having support from a close family member for a week is not the same as relinquishing responsibility for your child for the next 21 years.

She’s not asking for her mother to move in permanently , just to give the support that she promised.

I've never had any practical help from family but I've never wanted or expected it. DH gets a good paternity package (full pay for 6 months) which covered all the help I needed, and we had a bigger gap so DC1 was in nursery when DC2 arrived. I loved being in our family bubble with a newborn and I would have hated anyone coming to stay with us (PILs did offer but they wouldn't have even been that useful as they are in their 70s and not in great physical shape). We also liked getting out of the house every day, either to do interesting adult things like visiting art exhibitions with the newborn in tow or taking DC1 out on days out, I didn't want visitors who just wanted to sit on our sofa for hours.

None - family don’t live here and in laws are not that type.

I get absolutely nothing from my parents. We don't have a strained relationship - I've just accepted that they don't actually care much about my family/children and that's how their personalities are. Always been like that, looking back.

Sad really.

I'd bend over backwards to ensure I can help with my grandchildren down the line.

Yes I was very fortunate to have help from my aunt and PIL and DH had 6 weeks off.

We were abroad but never wanted 'help', never felt the need for it really, I usually put my tin hat on at this point, not conforming. I preferred to be able to say, when family eventually saw number 1, that only two opinions mattered, me and OH. It wasn't too popular but my mother thought everyone was entitled to her opinion!

I can't wait to be a Mil and grandmother. I just hope I'm asked to help!

No, she visited the day all 3 of my DC were home from hospital and expected drinks and lunch be made for her during her visits. She continued to visit multiple times a week, expecting the same, and each time asking when she could take the baby out on her own. She made every DCs birth and first few months more stressful than it had to be.

MIL insisted on doing housework, washing and dishwasher loading/unloading and offering me to go and have a break on each visit.

After our son was born my mum promised to come round during the day to help when my husband went back to work. I didn’t ask her to do this she volunteered. She didn’t do it once. No idea why she would promise something like that then not do it. Nobody has helped us with our son at all and he’s 7 months old now.

I had zero help whatsoever. It was such a shock to the system.

They've done bits and pieces more recently, but no consistency. How they start I'd how they go on.

She would have had to take time off work. She was only 60,
so still a good few years from
retirement. Plus if she traveled to visit for any length of time my father would wanted to join. His presence would not have been helpful.

they visited for a couple of days to meet the baby and then went back home.

I’m sure it’s great to have help but you must remember they are your children and your responsibility.

^

Yeah, cos she needs to be told this!

Ffs

I totally understand how you feel @Overthebow. My mum, who I am close to, was super enthusiastic about helping with my son (her ONLY grandchild) & was full of plans of how we could all spend days together & she would be no.1 babysitter & would be my back up for the times my husband had to work away (his job sometimes required that). Then, our son was born &.....hardly anything.

When he was newborn/young, she was fit & well, local to us & retired. Aside from the odd babysitting stint & daytime couple of hours of care at her house only (pretty inconvenient & impractical), that was it! Never any offers for more, clearly not keen, excuses galore, so I gave up asking in the end. Our son was not at all difficult or remotely tricky to look after.

There were so many occasions when I was on my knees with exhaustion (& occasionally genuinely ill with something debilitating) but she'd tell me to call my husband home from work (I didn't!) - never once offered to come & take our son for a bit.

No overnights, no days out, no birthday party help, no school run help, no 'come for tea at nanny's, etc etc...nothing.

It really affected my relationship with her at the time & it still niggles now.

My mum helped a bit when they were babies but I always wanted more. My mum and I live our lives separately but we respect each other. She's had her children and wanted to spend her life living the way she wanted. It is crap though and many mothers help lots. This is how it's supposed to be. But my mother and I have drifted apart. It's just how it is sometimes.