Family help when you had a newborn

[Overthebow]

If you have a mum who is able, did they come and help out when you had a newborn? What help did they give? I have a toddler and a newborn, DH is back at work and to be fair does do a reasonable amount for baby but he works long hours and I do the majority of the nights. I don’t have any family close by. My mum said before baby was born she would come and stay for a week when DH went back to work to help out, we don’t have the best relationship so I was really grateful she said this. However when baby was born and she came briefly to meet baby I asked about her coming again to help and she has booked a holiday instead so now won’t be coming. Aibu to be upset about this? I see my friends mums all helping a lot and I guess I just feel a bit alone.

I don't think we're really talking about childcare here, longterm, but support for a new family in the immediate aftermath of birth. Which may have gone smoothly or may have meant days in hospital and severe injuries. Partners only get two weeks statutory paternity leave and many companies don't offer any extra on top of the statutory amount - it cost us a lot financially for my DH to take the two weeks off. He took some annual leave too but we were in and out of hospital for much of the first ten days.

I found the HCPs just assumed there were all these people around to help! We had an urgent readmission in the first week and the midwife kept insisting we get someone to drive us to the hospital (DH doesn't drive for medical reasons) and couldn't understand there was no one to ask and we'd have to wait for a taxi! It was daytime so all of our friends were at work and we had no family support.

I've helped out numerous friends since in the early weeks with dropping meals off, offering to unload dishwashers etc or hold the baby whilst they go to the dentist type stuff. I always remember the neighbour who we didn't know very well and who dropped some food off for us - the one person who offered us help.

@RidingMyBike it's crap in this country. Our culture is that children (and women) should be seen and not heard. I remember trying to talk about my bad experience and immediately someone shutting me up (fil), saying that it was over with now and that I had two wonderful babies (I had twins).

It is sad that you would have liked help and support and yet your parents/family didn’t support you just because, no real reason behind it. However we live in such an individualistic society and culture that is evident from stock respondents on mn. “No one owes you help, it’s your baby, blah blah”. However it is a self centred way of thinking and YANBU to feel disappointed.
My mil visited every time I had a baby, but it was to welcome the baby, not to offer any help at all. She sat and enjoyed lunch as if she was in a restaurant. It’s the culture I’m afraid. In my family, we embrace “it takes a village” and with this accept other people have opinions and will tell our children off as needed. Now this… is a hanging offence on mn. So you see. You can’t have it both ways.

My mum "loves babies" but even though my eldest was her first grandchild she didn't express any interest in coming to see him, granted we did live a fair way away in a different city (same country), but we had a spare bedroom and fil managed to visit within 3 weeks of the birth and my eldest sister (who lives near mum) when he was about 4 weeks old. Mum only first met him at 9 weeks old when we took him to see her (and other family).

We have had very little help from family.

@Lighrbulbmo this

It's like saying I can't walk after an accident and someone telling you that you chose to drive into the tree and that it ain't their problem that you did. Things happen, babies happen, either by accident or by thinking that you want them (which could also be a mistake/accident). The narrative is cruel.

Postnatal depression is always blamed on hormones. Not the lack of support no. Just shut them up with pills.

My mum helped by visiting briefly then leaving us to it. MIL visited briefly - then followed up with a half dozen more brief visits over the next few weeks, all of which disrupted my ability to get into a flow with my newborn, which largely involved sitting around semi naked doing skin to skin. Kept proclaiming that people were "desperate" to see him. Which they weren't, because they flaked on arrangements.

Have just had January largely to ourselves meeting friends locally, and have found it much easier to do everything without frequent guests.

Myself and my siblings were almost entirely brought up by my grandmother. Parents ran a business and went on holidays without us. She took us to dentist, optician, doctor, holidays , bought our shoes and most of our clothes.

Fast forward to when I had my children. My husband worked away during the week . My in laws were older and not in a position to do much and , to be frank, were not really into children much. My husband and siblings had been brought up mostly by an aunty when my in laws were running their business. My mother in law did offer to pay for a cleaner for me (working and children by myself during the week) but I turned it down as accepting money in this way (however well intentioned ) always has a cost in terms of independence and I prefer to be captain of my own ship.

The biggest disappointment was my mother who never changed a nappy , or had charge of my children at all until they were older and even then would leave it a year or more before seeing them which would involve us travelling to her. When one of my children was born my husband was admitted to hospital , I had a third degree tear and she wouldn't help because when she had us she had to get on with it once she got out of hospital . She had ten days in hospital , I was discharged the same day and as a result of rushing around my repair tore and I had to be re stitched.

My older generation relied on their parents and family for child care so could run businesses, go on holidays etc with little worry. By the time my children came along they had all retired early and were used to pleasing themselves .

I used to be very upset , particularly with my mother, that my children didn't have the relationship with her that I had with my grandmother , but also she really does not have much interest in them and will not instigate contact .

However the only person that affected was me and over the years I've learned to let go as I cannot force her to care or want to be with our family if she does not want to . Looking back I do not know how I managed (or I do most of my wages went in child care until they were older) and I feel for you. I know that if my children ever give me grandchildren (hint hint) I will want and love to provide as much support as possible and my partner is desperate to sniff new born baby again.

We can't force our parents to be the people we want them to be and realising that we need to let the sadness and anger go .

I also had no family help at all. DHs parents live close but CBA as they had already helped DHs older sister with hers and ageing grandparents so were sick of caring.

My mum lived 60 miles away.

Tbh it’s only really helpful if they live nearby as having them staying just creates more stress and work. I’d have loved to drop off one or more of them for a couple of hours once a week for a break but I never got anything.

I did have some help esp with my eldest but she was very very sick as a baby.

I worry that when my kids have their own children I’ll still be at work and not able to be much help. Or else so ground down with working full time whilst having my children that I won’t be in good enough health to help
much.

I think those of us esp who have children in our 20s and 30s don’t realise how much harder a lack of rest is for older people, and they might not be up for having the physical hard work of helping out with a newborn.

Trust me if you don't have the best relationship it is a GOOD thing and is not coming to help with the baby! It would probably be tense, awkward, stressful etc.

I had a relative who was dodgy and her 'helping' with the baby was a disaster and really highlighted her selfishness. I said she couldn't do something with the baby as he'd be upset and she laughed and said 'well who cares?!' Many years zero contact now.

I'm not saying go no contact with your mum too obviously but maybe keep your distance and focus on making some nice mum friends instead. I've got some amazing mum friends and they are really there for me and my kids, as am I for them.

I'm in both camps because my youngest (of 4) is still in primary, but i'm a new first time granny as well now 😍

My own mother set out in clear terms that she ''wouldn't be babysitting all the time'' when i was preg with my eldest (gee thanks mum) and is not good with kids and stayed true to her word. I'm an only child and she failed to hide her confusion/surprise/annoyance ? when i did differently to her and went on to have more (i was married and mortgaged) and our relationship is just not close. I've never asked her for much and that's the way it is.

With my eldest just having had her first i'm now the new nan, and i'm trying to do it right! We're very close though, and we live in the same village, and she asks me straight for what she needs (if i haven't already done it) and i love to help! She seeks my advice which i find very lovely. We've been seeing each other a lot more than usual since baby came because of mat. leave. She likes to come round for the day, or we got out and it's lovely. We text all the time.

My main concern is not treading on son in law's toes too much as he wont's want his MIL sticking her oar in all the time! 😂 Do as you would be done by is my motto.

Sorry so i meant to say - if your relationship with your mother is already strained, having a baby won't always heal anything.

It didn't with me 🙄If anything it shows the cracks.

Be strong

My mum lived a 5 minute walk away. I'd had a terrible pregnancy and birth (baby fine). She popped round once, empty handed, did a bit of vacuuming and declared herself far too busy looking after my DSis 1 year old to be doing anything for me. I could never treat my DCs the way she treated me. It's tough when you aren't the favourite.

But no one's asking them to single-handedly care for the newborn? They can still sleep all night and get plenty of rest.

All I wanted was someone to offer to cook/drop off a few meals, offer lifts to the hospital, make cups of tea, wash up or hold the baby whilst I had a shower or nap [those last of after DH went back to work and I was already well into PND]. I mean, it would have been nice if someone had even thought to gift us some Cook ready meals or similar instead of piles of babygros. I wasn't looking for 24/7 baby care!! That's mine and DH's job.

Ironically the nice neighbour who did drop off some meals was a woman in her 60s with a full time job and heavily involved in the local community...

I think we have the same mum OP. My mum did that same, never helped me, luckily my late MIL was an absolute angel, and helped me so much. You will be ok, it does get easier, but it is really tough I agree. Many congratulations on your new baby.

Evidently you’re not asking for this - but some people on here do! Some expect “sleepovers” etc from very early on, with little ones who still wake at night.

Moreover, I was talking more about what I’d like to be able to do than what you or any other specific person was asking for. I’d like to be able to give my children and their partners (if they had them) some breaks over night, or for more than a very short time in the day, but I’m concerned I won’t be able to do that in my 60s.

Sorry you're not getting help.

My parents, despite living a 5 minute drive away, didn't come to see me for more than an hour at a time. They just didn't want the hassle.
I'll never forget the first time I went to their house with my month old DD, I was a little early and my dad told me off for interrupting his lunch 😕
My parents just aren't into grandkids or their own kids . It does suck when many people around you have help. I remember that feeling.
MIL was more helpful. What are your ILs like?
You will find a routine. It's early days x

No help at all for us with both children. It's due to both sides of our family living far away. When they came to visit, we had to provide food, drinks, sleeping areas and even entertainment whilst caring for a newborn, and then a newborn and a preschooler. Never again. I'm still sad and resentful of this, as I would have loved someone to help with our load. I remember people gifting us flowers and baby clothes and thinking "all I want is a nap knowing my baby is safe and cared for by people I trust and who love me ". I couldn't have cared less for flowers and baby clothes at that point. I wanted being taken care of. That's never happened. I struggle with PTSD due to adverse childhood experiences with my mum mostly so I was never going to get what I wanted the most and realised as I became a mum, someone who loved me unconditionally and would have done anything to make me feel better. I feel sad just writing this.

I didn't get any help from family, they did come to visit. That was fine for me, I never asked for or expected help.
I do think it's really unfair of your mum to offer to stay though and then book a holiday, especially when you had felt grateful for the offer. You are not unreasonable to feel upset, I would feel very let down if that had happened to me.

Yes, exactly the same with me! I was discussing it with a friend who also had the same experience. My grandparents were a huge part of my life, I spent most weekends with them and had holidays and lots of days out with them. My children have never slept at their grandparents house and I could count on one hand the amount of times they have done anything without me.