Family help when you had a newborn

[Overthebow]

If you have a mum who is able, did they come and help out when you had a newborn? What help did they give? I have a toddler and a newborn, DH is back at work and to be fair does do a reasonable amount for baby but he works long hours and I do the majority of the nights. I don’t have any family close by. My mum said before baby was born she would come and stay for a week when DH went back to work to help out, we don’t have the best relationship so I was really grateful she said this. However when baby was born and she came briefly to meet baby I asked about her coming again to help and she has booked a holiday instead so now won’t be coming. Aibu to be upset about this? I see my friends mums all helping a lot and I guess I just feel a bit alone.

Almost no one I know had help from family with newborns - our parents all had jobs.

I'd be really disappointed too 😔
I've got 2 small children too and no family in this country. When my second was born the 2yo was in nursery 3 days and I had a young student come in on the other 2 days as a mother's help as I found it so difficult in those first few months. The baby had colic and reflux, feeding issues and would not be apart from me and my DS was very active and it was so great to have someone take him to the playground if I couldn't, make us all lunch and help with washing etc. Was basically a second mum in the home and I think paying someone you'll get the service you want. With family I'd be afraid to ask them to hang out the washing, change a nappy etc.

I wouldn't want anyone to stay with me tbh. Still, she should not have promised and then reneged. It's really shit of her.
My parents helped in many ways, more so my dad, and would have done pretty much anything if I'm honest. I just prefer to get on with it all myself and didn't feel I 'needed' the help. On the other hand, I do know I'd be hurt if they did not seem to WANT to be there for me 🤷‍♀️

My mum came when I had DS2 (I lived at home when I had DS1) and it was quite helpful but she didn’t cook dinner so it was another adult to cook for and when I had DD we decided to drive there (250 miles) when she was 1wk and stayed for a week, had all meals cooked and no housework and that was better

After my first DD my mum came to stay for a week and did everything house related. She was a huge help and I was deeply touched. My second one she seemed to have forgotten I needed any help and it's taken me a long time to get over the hurt. She literally didn't come at all despite by then living half an hour from me. I actually rang her in tears nearly a week after my second was born saying "I need my mum". She was at a festival with her mates! The same festival she had actually asked me whether to go to or not and I'd said maybe it wouldn't be a great idea with me just having giving birth. I've raised it with her since and she claims she doesn't remember any of it!

I know it is in many cultures. However, in many of these cultures they would also live in multigenerational housing.

My Dad comes from a culture where he would have been expected to have his parents living with him. My mum also come from a culture of multi general living. Neither wanted to continue the tradition and neither did my mums parents due to to strain it out on them having my one set of parents living with them.

But as you say, it’s not the norm in the western world. So th me point still stand. The vast majority of people on MN, which is where the op is posting, won’t have people come and stay.

Both ways have negatives and positives.

So many expectations on the grandmothers, zero expectations on the grandfathers…
And someone saying it sucks to see friends who are able to meet other friends for lunch, or go out for a haircut - you too can do those things - where is the father of the child?
We are in a situation where the women (grandmothers) are expected to pick up after the men. If the fathers of these children would fairly share the responsibility, and if the grandfathers would have a fair share of involvement
too, then everyone would be able to help without making sacrifices. But no, it is always the grandmother with all these expectations on her.

This is SUCH a universal issue OP...

Almost all my friends have had to reconcile themselves to the fact their parents aren't the grandparents they thought they'd be.

All I can advocate for is acceptance working out what they do do... And working within that.

My mum was helpful but that is who she is and sometimes it felt a lottle claustrophobic not because of her necessarily because of her.

Mil is basically a chocolate teapot that expected entertainment... Even from a newborn 😵‍💫
She acted like she'd never held one... Just wanted photoshoot ops and brings gifts like ceramic ornaments (our.under 2 year old now has four... Why?)
I just go with it now. If DD isn't in "delightful mode" mil has ZERO interest... I facilitatetime together make sure Dad's needs areet and leave it there.

In my circle of friends, most had their mums nearby so could pop in, or came to stay to help for a few days here and there. I have a bad relationship with mine and so shouldn’t have expected it but I did still feel a little hurt that she didn’t even offer to help. My amazing MIL however has always been happy to roll her sleeves up and get stuck in with whatever needs doing. Even washing my maternity pants at one point!

You were promised a visit and then it didn’t happen. That’s rude and I can understand why you’re upset

It’s so tough with a tiny baby. My second DS just turned one so I feel like I’m coming out of the fog now but it’s such a hard time.

I also got 0 help from my mum/family. Although me and my mum have a ‘good’ relationship, and she was quite involved with DS1 (though not in a helpful way, more of a coming round for a brew for an hour a couple of times a week way) she has since got remarried and moved about 45 mins drive away. I can count on my hands probably the amount of times she’s seen DS2. Then she gets upset/mock offended when she does come round and he doesn’t want to go to her because he doesn’t have a clue who she is 🤷🏻‍♀️

Although this time is hard you can absolutely do this! Although the help would be nice you will survive.

Not at all, these are all people I know (ie who live in a Western country) and their mothers or MIL have come from other countries or their own house to stay with them. Obviously of you already live with them they will help you. I agree pros and cons, but definitely in Western culture families aren't usually as tight knit (from my observation). But equally they accept the good and the bad which is probably why it works, whereas we tend to want it our own way on our terms. I've been quite fascinated seeing this now that I've had a DC and imagine how helpful it would've been if I had this support

DM came and stayed for 3 or 4 days when DH went back to work when DC1 was born. Helped get him into a v. loose routine ( bathing etc) babysat so we could go out to dinner.

Looking back he was about 2 weeks old.

No, my parents are so incompetent I didn’t ask and they didn’t really offer either. The couple of times they had them as young children (had so. Overnight at 9 months) I had to provide all food and do a break down of everything, then they seemed like they hated it when they dropped him home. Even if they had offered to help with a newborn all I would have wanted is the odd hour of help, could never cope with them staying with me for a whole week and they’d have been totally useless anyway I suspect.

It's rotten your offer of help was retracted but to answer your question my mum stopped with me for a week back in 1986 when I was an 18 yr old FTM. When my DD had GC2 last year I stopped with her for a week on her request. She'd had PND following her first birth in lockdown and midwife suggested family support be put in place. SIL doesn't drive so I did lots of hospital and nursery runs. Tried to remain unobtrusive while sifting through lots of washing and cleaning and keeping GC1 entertained. It worked well but maybe if your relationship with your mum isn't great it may not have been such a good experience anyway?

No one stayed with us right after he was born because I would've hated it.

Dropped him off at Grandparents house when he was 2 weeks old so we could out for dinner and then he had his first sleepover at Grandparents when he was 6 weeks old.

I completely understand the disappointment, but unfortunately people do this all the time.
I hope you are managing, the first few months with 2 young ones are tough. It does get better though!
If you can afford it, a few hours of nursery or babysitting for the eldest is a great option to give you a break.

That sucks OP I’m sorry.

my mum didn’t come much for my first newborn as we were in lockdown.

for baby 2 when I had a toddler, she came
for the first week and then roughly every 4-5 weeks since for 3 nights. She lives 2.5 hours away

I don't know bout anyone else. But has anyone noticed, that those who had their grandparents heavily involved in their choldhoods their parents don't like to be involved so much? If that makes sense.

My grandparents practically raised me and it was expected of them. Yet my mum can't tell you my kids middle names or birthdays
And has only met them a few times over the years.

Yes my mum came and stayed for about a week after my first baby, once DH had returned to work. I don't live close to my parents. This was very helpful as I had a difficult birth . She didn't come after the second one as it was lock down , but that birth went much better and I felt really good in comparison to the first time around, so didn't need it so much. I believe she helped my sister after her babies were born and my Aunty helped my cousin when she first had her twins. We're from British / Western culture but have a mentality that families help each other, I think it's more common than you might be getting the impression from on this thread.
I understand why you're disappointed - your Mum said she would help and then didn't bother which is shit.

I live 4 hours away from my mother and she works full time.

She scheduled annual leave around my due date and cared for my toddler for 5days whilst i i had a long hospital stay. she then stayed with us to help until her annual leave had finished

She works full time 9-5 and aims to visit us 1x weekend per month to help us/ spend time with her grandchildren

she is very sad that she is unable to reduce her hours/ retire due to cost of living/ her large mortgage and having only a minimum wage job: she says she would love to help more if she worked less/ lived closer

I think you're right to be upset!

No help. I didn’t have any sections though and tbh was happy to get into my own routine.

Help is nice, but can’t be relied upon.

My mother did nothing

I was 19,on my own with no idea

She didn't lift a finger (she has 4 of us-last two are twins)

The only two things she did was tell me I was doing it all wrong and tell everyone she was doing everything as I was a shite mother

Massively helpful

Zero help. They live too far away. Dh and I never had help and tbh didn't need it. However if your mother offered to help why didn't she follow it up and come and stay and help.

Zero family help except from dsis who watched baby for two hours while I went to get my hair cut, in week 10. I even had to take 7 week old ds with me when I had a smear.

My ex had also decided on day three that nappies and all other baby related stuff were 'wife-work' and had refused to get up at night at all, because 'he worked and needed his sleep'.

It's rubbish isn't it. Can you buy in some help. 🙄